Yeah, I really can't think of a title.

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you
Everytime I do I feel good
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I keep on wasting all my time
------------

So I lived through Christmas. Yay for me :D

Christmas Eve I worked during the day. Pretty crazy work day, and I so didn't finish berfore I left. So thursday morning is gonna suck. But yeah, so I got home at around 1 pm, went to Price Choppers for some stuff. Helped make dinner, ate around 6:30ish. It was good.

Then we opened presents. I got the Spice Girls cd/dvd set, a ticket to Three Days Grace, $100 cash, a $140 gift card to Old Navy, the first three Die Hard movies, two sets of earrings, the Live Luxe perfume set, and a fantastic hair straighterner.

And then 8 pm came around, and the boxing day specials started on Best Buy. So I bought Angel (seasons 1-3), Buffy (Seasons 1-3), the 4th Die Hard movie, and a 4 GB memory card for my camera. And my mom bought the reciever for the surround sound we have, so now we can hook up the cable box to it. I'm excited about that.

Then there was today. I was really worried, because it would be the first Christmas Day in five years that I don't spend at Anthony's house. But it wasn't too bad. I woke up at about 10 am, and Jack got here at about noon. Then we watched Battlestar Galactica. Pretty good show, actually. So I stole his season one. Hopefully I can watch it, but I don't know. He wants it back before he goes back to Lindsay, but I still have work, and then Rose will be here, and then there's the Christmas dinner and then New Years, and so on. So hopefully I'll finish.

Anyways, and then Ela came over, and we watched a few movies. And then we watched the last episode of the O.C., which was awesome.

And then tomorrow we're going shopping. Ela will be here at 6 am, and the earlier we leave, the better. I'm looking forward to shopping :D

So on saturday is the Xmas dinner at Kasia's. Definitely looking forward to that. And then there's new years. And in the end, I've decided if people don't want to come, I don't give a shit. I'm going, and so is Ela, and Rose, and Kasia, and Tom, and Jessica. And we're gonna have a kick ass time. And Nida and Tatjana may come, because Tatjana really wants to come. And I know Tamara wants to come, so maybe her and Sal will. And Jarx, the one who talked me into going, can go screw himself if he doesn't come. I won't be speaking to him if he doesn't. And Jack, well, go wherever you want. We'll have fun regardless. And so we're going to Body English, so hopefully that's fun. And then we're going back to Kasia's, so that should be good too. And I told her if me and Rose find boys, we're bringing them back to her place. Hahahaha, that's be funny.

And then not to long after that is my Girls' Night. There's gonna be at least like 8 or 9 of us, so it should be good.

And then my bday. Any ideas???? Montreal is the best plan so far, and I've got a few ppl interested. So we might just do that.

And Patrick got a new puppy!!! It's so cute, I want it. And Kasia got Spice Girls tickets, so I getto go :D yay!! It just sucks that I have to pay her mom back for half of it. If I didn't want to see them so bad, I'd say no. I mean, I always take Ela when I get tickets, and never have I made her pay for them. And Bon Jovi and Mama Mia were not cheap tickets. But whatever, I get to see them. So I'll pay.

So yeah, anyways, it's bedtime now. I have to get up super early tomorrow to go shopping.

Nighty night.
Susana.

I hate everything about you....why do I love you??

Me está gritando
ya sé que no se entera,
el corazón escucha tu cabeza, pero ¿a dónde vas?
¿Me estás escuchando?
qué hay de tu orgullo que habíamos quedado

La noche empieza
y con ella mi camino
te busco a solas
con mi mejor vestido
pero ¿A dónde estás?
¿Qué es lo que ha pasado?
¿Qué es lo que queda después de tantos años?

Miro esos ojos que un día me miraron
busco tu boca, tus manos, tus abrazos,
pero tú no sientes nada y te disfrazas de cordialidad

Ni una sola palabra, ni gestos, ni miradas apasionadas,
ni rastro de los besos que antes me dabas,
Hasta al amanecer
Ni una de las sonrisas por las que cada noche y todos los días
sollozan estos ojos en los que ahora te ves

Como un juguete que choca contra un muro
salgo a encontrarte y me pierdo en cuanto busco
una oportunidad, un milagro, un hechizo
volverme guapa y tu guapo conmigo

Frente a los ojos que un día me miraron
Pongo mi espalda y algunos cuántos pasos
Y me apunto otra derrota mientras mi boca
Dice nunca más...

Ni una sola palabra, ni gestos, ni miradas apasionadas,
ni rastro de los besos que antes me dabas,
Hasta al amanecer
Ni una de las sonrisas por las que cada noche y todos los días
sollozan estos ojos en los que ahora te ves

No puede ser, no soy yo,
me pesa tanto el corazón,
por no ser de hielo cuando el cielo me pide paciencia

Ni una sola palabra ni gestos ni miradas apasionadas
ni rastro de los besos que antes me dabas
Hasta al amanecer
Ni una de las sonrisas por las que cada noche y todos los días
Sollozan estos ojos en los que ahora te ves
---------------------------

So yeah, that song is my new obsession. I listen to it like 18 times a day. Non-stop. Over and over. I know, I'm special.

So yeah, it's been like two weeks since I wrote. So I guess to catch up now.

I got pretty bad after the whole thing where Anthony made a big deal out of the xmas dinner. I even almost felt bad and gave in. But in the end, he's not coming. I saw him last friday, Krystal invited me to the Fox, so I went with them. It went okay, I just pretended he wasn't there.

Then we went to Jack's place in Lindsay. Which was pretty good. The place we went to eat was good, and the club was so much better than the Fox. Music was good, there was more people, and the drinks didn't seem to be too expensive. And then we went home, and me and Jack had a really good talk, though sadly I was too tired to really participate. We should do it again!!

This weekend, we had our work Christmas party. It was pretty good. Food wasn't bad, there were enough people there. But the weather was super shitty, so some people didn't come, and most people left as soon as all nthe gifts were done being handed out. I didn't stay too long after that, since most people were leaving anyways. So Ela and Jack came to pick me up, and we went to Body English for Kasia's bday. The club sucked. It was pretty empty, and I didn't hear one song I liked. And I'm not sure if there were more ppl or not at Kasia's dinner part, but it seemed to be the same ppl as always at the club.

And yeah, so me and Ela decided on the way home that we weren't gonna go there for New Year's. But we didn't know what to do. We don't want to go to a club downtown, and we don't want to go to the ones in Mississauga. And we couldn't all just stay home separately, that would have been boring and mean to Rose. So I mentioned it to my mom, and she came up with the great idea that I should use the furnished apt in the building and just have ppl over. So that's what we're doing now. A relaxed new year's. It's not that we can't drink or play music or anything like that, but we don't have to dress up or go out or wait an hour at the bar. And it's too bad Kasia doesn't want to have a party at her place, because I managed to invite 18 ppl, and that's only because I really can't invite more to a 2-bedroom apt. If I'd had a house, I would have invited like 30, and then there's Kasia's other friends on top of that......

Anyways, so work is good. I still like what I do, even thought it's hectic. And now I have more fun, 'cause Nardeo's gotten better now that he really knows me and Nick's back to help him. And I'm making good enough money, so that I can still pay my cell phone and the digital cable, and still go out and still do Christms shopping....yeah, I like it.

So I still have more ppl to buy for. I found a great gift for my secret santa, and its exactly $40!! So I'm just gonna give what I'd bought already to someone else. But I still have to buy something for Jose, and for my mom, and for Kasia, and for Ela, and for Robin..... I'm really only done Patrick, Gaby, and Nelson. I know what I'm getting Ela, but I have no idea what to get everyone else. Yeah, it sucks. Malls are gonna be so crowded when I go, since I'll prolly go on saturday. Though I'm gonna need Ela to love me and drive me to Future Shop and Ikea, since I can't carry what I want to buy.

So yeah, I'm also planning a girl's night. It's for Jan 12th, which I know is the Sat of the weekend Anthony will do something for his bday, but oh, well. I know Krystal, Tamara, and prolly Robin will end up going with him if he does something, and that's fine. But I can't see it mattering if Ela, Kasia, and Jessica don't go to his. So with them three, plus Nicole and her cousin Shannon, and maybe Tatjana and Nida, and maybe Deanna, we can have a pretty good girls' night. Once again, we're using the furnished unit. I love that place.

And yeah, so I'm trying to plan something to keep busy on the 25th. This is the first time in four years that I won't have a dinner to go to. So we're gonna be at home, watching movies and all that. I know Ela will come, and maybe Jack too. I just really hope I'll be okay. I mean, I can't guarantee anything. Christmas is a lot harder than I thought. I just don't want to hear about the new girl being at his place, or even worse, at his family thing on Boxing day. I love his family, and man, am I gonna miss them.

But I'll be okay. Eventually. At least, I really hope so. I don't know how much time it'll take, but I know eventually, I'll be good. I know I'm doing pretty good for myself, with the job, and the car I'm getting on wed, and the travelling....but man, I miss those arms. But it's okay. I'll find someone for me, when I'm ready.

On a happy note, I will be getting my gym membership on the 28th. That's right. I'm gonna be going to the gym. My plan is to go three times a week after work. And I'm gonna ask Nikki for the L.A. Weight Loss diet that she was gonna give me, and I'm gonna do everything I can to follow it. By next summer, I plan to have lost at least 40 lbs., at least. So yeah, that's gonna take some work on my part.

Anyways, this is getting much too long now. Time for me to go.
Bye bye
Susana

They say, "Time heals everything." But I'm still waiting.

So the last few days I've been feeling like a horrible, evil bitch. About what I said to Kasia, even though she's okay with it.

Okay, so here's what happened. On thursday night, Anthony msged (or called, not sure) Robin, and asked what was going ok with the Xmas dinner, and if he was invited. So Robin told him that she has nothing to do with the planning, it's all me and Kasia. So that he'd have to ask me. Then she told him that I had a new number. So he asked her for it, and she said she's ask me if that was okay, because she doesn't want me to call her and yell at her after he's called me to yell at me. So Robin calls me, and tells me what happened. And I tell her that no, Anthony can't have my new number. I know he'll get it eventually, but I don't need him to get it so he can call me to yell at me about stupidness. And then I tell her that for the xmas dinner, as far as I'm concerned, he's not invited. But I told her to tell him to check with Kasia, because I'm not about to call him and talk to him.

So then I get a msg on msn from Kasia, telling me that both her and Tom got msges from Anthony asking if he was invited to the xmas party. She said that she can't ignore it and not answer. So she asked me what she should say. And normally, this is where I say, "well, it's up to you, it's your house, I'll still go" and so on. But then I decided I didn't want to bother lying, and it's my event too, so I told her, "Sorry to sound like a bitch, but if he goes, I don't." Now, I haven't said that at all yet. I've maintained that if he's there, I can deal, as long as I have advanced notice. But that's at other people's event, not my own. Me and Kasia aren't friends with him, and it's our thing that we're planning and organizing, so why would we invite him?? Why??

Like, if it was New Year's, and we're at Gavin's place, of course I have to deal with it if he's there. It's not my place, and not my event. But this is something that's mine and Kasia's, and I don't want him there. It's too small, to intimate. I mean, I know there's like 15 people coming, but still. I dont' want to have to be feeling uncomfortable and avoiding people and all that. I want to be able to go and enjoy the even that I plan. And cook for, because I always end up making my food, Kasia's, and sometimes even Tom's too. Thankfully, I don't have to make Anthony's too this year. So me and Ela make all that food, we make like 5 plates. And we get it ready, and it's Kasia's place. And all three of us are okay with him not there, so too bad.

So yeah, I kinda feel bad for leaving him out, but I'm feeling worse about telling Kasia staright out me or him. Now, I know that she was fine with it, and her immidiate answer was that she'd let him know, and for me not to worry about it. Which is great of her, but I still feel bad. I mentioned it to Ela, and she told me to stop being dumb about it, I had every right to say it. And then she went on to tell me that if it did come down to choosing between me and him, they know who they'd choose. But now I feel like I've put them in a situation where they may have to choose.

I don't know. I know I shouldn't worry about it, because they didn't see it that way, but I still worry. Kasia even told me that she'd tell him that she was the reason he wasn't invited, not me. Which is believable, because they've never liked each other, but that seems unfair to her. Sher even told me that she'd deal with ppl like Sal or Matt who might be asses about it, but that also seems unfair. It's great of her, and really, it makes me realy appreciate her more, but still, I can't do that to her.

I just really hope that no one causes any problems at the dinner itself. And that if anyone has something to say about it, they tell me, they don't just go off on her. Plus, if I don't go to the dinner for some reason, they're at least 5 ppl who won't go either. So that would suck.

Anyways, so friday me, Robin, and my mom went to Buffalo. We stayed the night and came back sat. Wow, we bought tons of stuff. Tons. I mean, we even though we hid half the shit in our bags, we still had to pay the taxes on the rest. Yeah, we're awesome. It was a good time, though. We dropped off our bags and went to Honey's to eat. Pizza was awesome. Then we decided to go to Wal-Mart, which was two towns over. So we get there, and it closes in 45 minutes, at 11. So when we're leaving, as it's closing, we ask where the nearest 24-hr wal-mart is. They guy says it's like a five minute drive. So like an hour and three towns over later, we're there. We were there until 2 am. And then we get back to the hotel room, and I look up where Hot Topic and Bath and Body is. So it tells me they're in a mall that opens at 7 am. Yes, 7 am. So we decide we're going there. So after like no sleep, we get to the mall at 7:30. Shop like crazy, and then go eat breakfast. Perkins is good, yummy breakfast. So then we go to the outlets. We shopped so much, that even Robin got tired of shopping!!! And then we went to Target for a little bit, and then home. The line at the border was surprising, 'cause there really wasn't one. We went right through.

So yeah, I'm happy about what I got. I bought some stuff for me (two sweaters, pj pants, a book, shampoo...), but mainly it was for other ppl. I finished xmas stuff for Gaby, Nelson, and Patrick. And I have my mom's bday present, and half of Gaby's. And half of my secret santa's. So if I buy something, that's normally $40, but it's buy one get one free, and I buy one for Nelson and one for my secret santa, do I count that as only $20, since that all I really paid for it?? Or do I say $30, because it's half of what I paid in total?? I mean, technically, it's $20, but am I working on technicalities??

I'm special, I know.

And so I looked for the new Spice Girls CD everywhere in the states, and it doesn't exist!!! But I saw it here, I had it in my hand!! And thankfully, I wasn't by myself, so it's not like I'm crazy. Gaby saw it too. So yeah, my mom went to Cloverdale today, and I asked her to get it for me. I hope they still have it.

Anyways, off to cook breakfast. I completely overslept. With the no sleep on friday night, and Ela didn't leave yesterday until almost 4 am.....yeah, overslept. So breakfast for me, then some laundry. Then a shower....Yeah, I like that plan.

Anyways, later.
Susana