Saturday 31 March 2012

30 Days of Truth: Things I could live without


16. Some­one or some­thing you def­i­nitely could live without.

I don't really get this one.  Am I supposed to say something like my dad and debt??  Or something like disease and famine??  'Cause I could live without either.

And really, if I could live without something, shouldn't I have gotten rid of it by now??  Shouldn't I have done my best to not have it in my life??

I guess I should talk about stuff I do have in my life that I wish wasn't there but isn't easy to just  get rid of. So although it would be nice if disease and famine were eradicated, that's so not what this question is asking.

So I'll stick with my dad and debt.

I'm not sure that those really need an explanation.  If you don't know why I don't want my dad in my life, you should probably just read a few posts back.  And if you don't know why debt is shitty, well, then let's trade!!

So yeah, that's about all I've got for this one.

Tuesday 27 March 2012

30 Days of Truth: Things I don't want to live without.

15. Some­thing or some­one you couldn’t live with­out, because you’ve tried liv­ing with­out it. (Finally halfway!!!)

 So this one was a little tricky. First, I really don't like the idea that I couldn't continue on or would fall to pieces without someone or something, so I've decided to treat this as a "wouldn't want to" as opposed to "couldn't." Secondly, there are a lot of things or people I wouldn't want to live without, but I haven't tried to or experienced it. So all the obvious ones (my mom, my family, Matt, Lucky, etc) don't fit here.

So after a bit of thinking, I've decided on two things: frequent contact with my mom and my little pillow. I cannot imagine any kind of situation, other than short-term ones like vacations, where I would be okay with not talking to my mom at least every few days. I was in Montreal for a summer, and I've spent time not living at home with her (either on my own or with my dad), and not being able to talk to her was always terrible. I mean, I can do it for a few days, and if there's a vacation or something involved I can deal, but prolonged, deliberate not talking?? Terrible.

If someone had told me, when I was a teenager, how much I'd need even a short conversation with her, I might have laughed at them. I probably would have gone on about how she didn't care, or I didn't care, or she wouldn't notice anyways. I was a pretty angry kid. But yeah, need to talk to her.

 The other thing is my little pillow. for those of you who don't know (although, really, who doesn't know??) my grandma made me a small pillow when I was born. It's nothing elaborate, it's seriously just a small pillow. But like I just said, I've had it since I was born. It always has to come with me on trips and be near me when I sleep. The only time I can sleep without it is when I'm with Matt, and even then I miss it sometimes.

 Honestly, the idea of losing it terrifies me more that you can imagine. It's a part of me. It's been around just as long as I have!! And it's always been at my side. Always. I've cried tears into it; screamed in frustration into it; punched it in anger; hugged it when I was lonely; and laughed into it when I was happy. It's necessary for me. If I go, it comes with me.

There's been a few times I've gone somewhere and forgot it, and believe me, it wasn't pretty!! I've tried vacations and weekends without it. And all I've learned is that it's for the best if I pack it. There was also the one time I actually left it behind in the unmade bed at the hotel in Vegas, and only the fact that Jarx thought to check the bed before we left saved it (thanks, Jarx!!).

 So there you go. Two things I wouldn't want to live without.

Monday 26 March 2012

Since you asked for it: an update.

So I got a text message this weekend telling me I don't update this often enough and you wanna know what's up in my life.  Really?? I mean, hello?!?!  Didn't you see the barrage of posts??  There's, like, 4 in the last month.  That's pretty freaking incredible for me!!

God, you're so demanding.  Yeah, you know who you are.

So I figured that I'd update, since I should have been having coffee with you, except you bailed, asshole.  although you know, if you had met me for coffee like you were supposed to, you'd know what's up in my life.  Yeah, I'm sticking my tongue out at you.  That's right, I am mature.

So yes, update.

What's new??  Nothing.  I'm still applying to tons of jobs everyday.  At least now I'm starting to get some call backs or emails and interviews.  So I guess that's progress.  Hopefully I'll be able to join the land of the employed soon.

I've been reading a lot.  I was feeling sick all week, so after sending out some resumes in the morning, the sick would catch up with me and I'd lay down and read a book.  Man, I forgot how much I love reading, and just how fast I can go through a book.  Last week I read 10.

Now, none of those books were epic-sized.  They were about 300-450 pages each.  So although I wasn't as awesomely productive as I was hoping to be, at least not in the job-search department, I did manage to get some reading done.  I'm now re-reading the Witching Hour by Anne Rice.  I love her books, but I forgot how much she goes on and on and on and on and on (you get the point, right??) with useless information and descriptions and backstory.  But still, love it.  Haven't read them since high school.  Hopefully they're just as good as I remember.

Lucky is pretty blind now, so it's a challenge to make sure he's eating and drinking water and making sure he doesn't bang his head against the wall 400 times a day.  He's lost all his energy and just lays near me all day.  It breaks my heart to know that he can't see anything.  I still remember the crazy, palm-sized mini puppy that would run outside and was impossible to catch.  I just wish I could fix him and make him last another 10, 15, 40 years.  I can't pretend it's not gonna kill me when he dies, and I haven't yet accepted the possibility that it could be soon.

I don't really have any other updates.  I'm looking forward to watching The Hunger Games; I'm excited for the day it's warm enough to go to the beach; I'm looking forward to possibly seeing Matt's baby pictures soon.  I've been doing insanity, and I'll prolly write an update on that one eventually.  I've decided e-readers are NOT tools of the devil.  I really want to go kayaking or canoeing this summer, preferably while camping up in Tobermory.  I'm thinking of planning a May 2-4 trip, since I've promised Gaby for years I'd take her.  I'm making a family tree, and I've realized I've got a shit ton of relatives.

Yeah.  So updated.  Happy, jerkface??

Friday 9 March 2012

A trip home?? So exciting!!

So my cousin is getting married in November, and I'm super happy for him.   I'm also happy that he gave me advance notice, and hopefully I'll be able to go.

Now, I haven't as of yet been able to find a job, so I'm running short on time for saving. I'm still hopeful, though, that if I get a job soon, make a budget, and stick to it, I'll be able to go with no problem.  I know, I know.  A budget.  But in the end, if I really want to go, and I really want to be there for his day, then I'll make it happen.  I've always said I'll be there for it, and I'll do whatever I need to make it happen.

Happily, Matt has agreed to come with me.  I'm super excited to show him around and introduce him to all the people I love and miss.  I'm also super excited to take him to the beach and show him my favourite place in the world.  Los Cobanos is my little piece of heaven.

I'm not sure yet where we'll be staying.  I want to go for a little longer than a week, that way I can spend some time with my cousin before he gets married and goes on his honeymoon.  So I'm thinking we can fly in on the Wednesday or Thursday before the wedding, and stay at my aunt's until Sunday.  After that, I'm not sure if we should find a hotel in San Salvador, or even just stay at my aunt's, so we could have her drive us and go sightseeing and stuff every day, or go stay at the Royal Decameron Salinitas, which is the all-inclusive resort on the beach I love so much.  The only problem with staying at that hotel would be that it's too far for my aunt to drive us every day, so we'd have to either pay for hotel tours or only go sightseeing maybe three days.  I guess I'll have to figure it out with Matt and my aunt closer to the actual date.

But there are a bunch of places I want to show him!!  I want to go see el volcan de Santa Ana, and hopefully try and go to the crater.  I read that it should be done with a police escort, but those can be arranged the day before.  I also want to go to el lago Coatepeque, and maybe go to Illobasco.  I also want him to be able to walk around the little towns, 'cause they're totally different than walking around the city here.  And of course, I want to take him to a pupuseria and to Los Cebollines and the restaurant in Punta Roca.  I'm just not sure what's safe and what's not.  I figure if my aunt says it's not safe, I'll call my cousins (on my dad's side) and see if maybe they can help.

I do plan on calling the Silvas and trying to meet up with all of them.  I assume my dad will be there, since they'll prolly invite the whole family.  I'm okay with that, 'cause I want to see my brothers.  I'm hoping they can put something together.  I just don't want to see them on the 11th, because as petty as it may sound, that's my dad's bday, and I don't want to it to seem like I'm there for his day.  Unfortunately, though, that might be the best day to do it.  I guess I'll figure that out when I call them, which I don't plan to do until I know for sure when I'll be there.

I'm so excited!!  I'm gonna have some mango cumbia, and some chancletas, and some maraƱones and jocotes.  And some atol de elote.  And some tartaritas!!

Yeah, beyond excited.  I love the things my country has to offer.  Food is awesome, and the places are great.  And it helps that I have family there.

Of course, Matt's not happy that it's the second most dangerous country in the world.  Yeah, apparently, it has more deaths per 100,000 people than most African countries.  That's freaking crazy!!  But since most of those deaths are gang-related and not directed at tourists, I'm thinking we'll be okay.  I think as long as we stay out of dangerous neighbourhoods, we should be okay.

But yes, excited.  I'm hopeful that everything will, for once, go according to plan and work out.  so I guess I'll keep you updated.

And is it weird that after living in Canada for almost 20 years, I still say that I'm going 'back home' or just say 'home' when I refer to El Salvador??  Home is clearly in Canada...

Thursday 8 March 2012

30 Days of Truth: A letter to a hero that has let you down.

14. A letter to a hero that has let you down.

I've never really had a hero.  There wasn't any one person that I looked up to and wanted to be like.  There wasn't anyone that I greatly admired, at least, not anyone that has let me down.

I guess really the person that has let me down the most is me.  So I'll just write me a letter as though I was trying to give my 16-year-old self some advice.

Dear me,

Lately you've been skipping a lot of class and ignoring all your homework, and I know you feel this is a great plan, but I need you to reconsider.  Right now, all you say to that is something like, "meh, whatever," but a few years down the line, you'll wish you'd done it differently.

Class and homework are more important than you think, and so is going to a good school and getting a degree.  I'd like you to put a little more work towards your future, as right now it's looking kinda bleak.

You also need to know that people do love you.  I know it seems like no one cares and it wouldn't matter if you were gone, but believe me, it would.  You have made an impact in people's lives and there are people you will meet whose lives will be much better for having you in them.  You will also find someone who loves you for who and how you are, so you don't need to pretend for anyone.

Your father's opinion doesn't matter, so stop trying so hard to get his attention.  Your mom's love and opinion matters, and she's there if you're willing to try.  She'll always be there.  Your siblings will be awesome...one day when they're not young and annoying.

Also, learn to manage money.  Please.  This is key.

Love,
Susana

Monday 5 March 2012

30 Days of Truth: Music that gets me through the days.

13. A band or artist that has got­ten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

So I've been trying to think of one band that has helped get me through some days, and honestly, I can't think of just one.  So I decided to do songs instead.  I can think of a few songs that helped me get through some tough days or really got to me by saying everything I felt or everything I wanted to say.

"Wonderful" by Everclear is one of the songs that made me feel as if they knew how I felt when they wrote it.  Even now, it's hard for me to listen to without feeling like I did back when I was 12 and life was changing so much. 

"Emotionless" by Good Charlotte is a song that  describes how currently I feel in regards to my father. With the exception of one line, everything said in that song feels like it could have been written with me in mind.  Some days I wish I could send him the lyrics, and let him know how I feel.  And some days, I wonder if he even cares or remembers.  And like the song says, I wonder if misses me, and I wish I could hate him, but I'm pretty sure that the song tells you just how much it hurts to not be able to hate him.

Anyways, moving on.

"Over You" by Daughtry was another one that got me through a tough time. I would listen to it over and over again, knowing that one day I'd agree with all the lyrics.  The day it finally happened, when I realized that was how I felt, was a great day. Kelly Clarkson's "Never Again" helped through this period too, but not as much.

Shakira is usually pretty good at cheering me up and making me dance, and Rise Against is my go-to for getting out my rage and frustration.  Goo Goo Dolls and 30 Seconds To Mars calm me down, and a playlist that includes LMFAO, Ke$ha, Britney and Pitbull will get me ready for any party.

I can probably think of many, many more, but then this list would go on forever.  So I'll leave it at those for now.

I'm alive!!!!

So finally I get around to updating.  I guess it's been enough months that my internal screaming voice is saying, "Hey, remember that other blog you write??  Yeah, that one.  Go update it!!"

So here I am, updating.  And I guess I do have a few things to update about.

So let's start with the basics: I am currently unemployed.  RBC decided to not renew my contract, and so I've been searching for something new for a while now.  Hopefully something will come soon, 'cause I'm getting really worried.  And I can only handle so much stress in my life!!  I should prolly be sending out more resumes every day than I am now, though.  I guess I'll work on that.  And maybe call some agencies again.  And if anyone knows of something new, let me know!!

I'm still living at my mom's.  Clearly.  It's not really likely that I'll be moving out anytime soon, especially now that I'm unemployed.  I'm hoping to find a steady, non-contract job soon, and move out once I've been there for at least four months.  Maybe five.  I love my family, but I miss having my own place.

Matt and I are doing pretty well.  We try to see each other at least two days a week.  I'm glad I've got him, he makes me happy.  Plus, I like hugging him.  And waking up next to him.  I like it better on the weekends, when no one has to rush anywhere, but still.  I love it.  I've invited him to come with me to El Salvador in November for my cousin's wedding, and I'm really hopeful he'll be able to come.  I'd love to show him my favourite places.  I'm also hoping we can go camping this summer again.  Maybe a long weekend at Bruce Peninsula National Park??  That would definitely make me happy.

I've also been doing some research into El Salvador and the civil war...but that will have to be a different post.  I don't really want to get into it now.

So I've spent my time lately with my new blog, "Since You Asked..." which is on Wordpress.  I like writing that one a lot.  It's basically just my opinion on anything I can think of, but it's not about my life, like this one.

I've realized recently that this thing I do, where I get bored and move on to a new blog, is just hurting any possible readership I may have.  I've had tons of blogs in the last few years.  This one is the only constant one, and I don't even update it regularly.  I really should get on that, so that people will know where to follow me.  I mean, as of right now, none of my friends follow my new blog.  Even my boyfriend doesn't read it!!

Then again, I have no idea who reads this one either.  Does anyone??  I'm not sure.

Still, more updating should be done.
 
I turned even older about two weeks ago.  Yes, I turned 28.  That's ancient!!  It was a fairly low-key affair, with only a few friends and family.  We had Mexican food and I spent the weekend with Matt.  Overall, it was an okay birthday.  Next year, I'm thinking Vegas.  Or maybe Montreal.  Or maybe just dinner.  I guess I'll see when it gets closer.

I'm okay with my age.  I'm more upset with the fact that I'm 28 and I haven't gotten anywhere remotely stable or independent or anything.  It's kinda sad.  Hopefully by 29 I'll be an adult??  I'll do my best.

Oh, and I got rid of Facebook.  I just didn't want it anymore.  If you really want to know why, you can read the explanation on my other blog here.  Suffice to say, I don't plan on getting it back anytime soon.

I think I'm done now.  I should be sleeping anyways.  I'll try to update in a few days with my thoughts on El Salvador.

Okay, nighty night.