30 Days of Truth: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Like the previous two, this is not easy at all. At first, I thought of things I regret, but those aren't necessarily things I have to forgive myself for. And then I thought of things I've done to other people, but they also aren't something I think needs forgiveness, at least not from myself. I thought of maybe concentrating on something I failed at that I believe I could have changed, but that opens a huge can that I'm not ready to face.

So what to pick??

Th worst thing I've ever done, in my opinion, is try to kill myself. But I've come to terms with that, and I've accepted that although it was a terrible mistake, it's done and I can't change it. I've learned that it's not an experience I want to go through again, nor is what I saw that night an expression I ever want to see on my mom's face again. The second worst thing I've done is how I treated my mom when I was younger, maybe about 15 or 16. But in the end, although I feel I was a terrible person then and I said some horrible things, it's made her and I closer. And since I love our relationship and I love how we are now, I wouldn't change it.

But it can't possibly be that I don't have anything that I have to forgive myself for. That's just crazy!!! Everyone's done things they can't get past. So I have to find something...right??

I'm going to settle on needing to forgive myself for being retarded in school. For skipping, for failing classes, for smoking, for drinking, for everything. It's always been something I wish I could change, something I wish I'd known back then: that high school was important for my future, that high school classes were important for whatever career I wanted to have. I'd also like to learn one day to forgive myself for not going to Katimavik when I got in. I'm not gonna lie, that's my biggest regret. Those nine months in three provinces with eight other people could have been amazing. The sad part is that I know I wouldn't have listened to anyone who told me this. I knew better, right?? Clearly, I was wrong.

I know it may not be as dramatic as some people hoped, but that's the best I've got. I'm pretty content and accepting of most things I've done in my life, and those I regret aren't things I really need to forgive myself for. Don't worry, I'm sure there'll be some in here that are heavy, dramatic, or emotional. Just wait until day 14!!

This update is much earlier than I'd planned. But I really have been in a writing mood. Maybe you'll be lucky and you'll get Day 4 early too!!

~Suz

30 Days of truth: Something you love about yourself

This one is just as difficult as finding something you hate about yourself, but for the opposite reason. It's not that I have too many to choose from, it's that I can't think of any. I can think of a few things I like: my love of learning, my need to write, my imagination. I guess I can sum it all up and say that I love my ability to sit down and create a story, with characters, maps, and history.

Although many of you may not have seen my story writing, I do have a few stories floating around online. Most are short stories, no more than 1500 words each. There is one multi-chaptered story, but I've only posted up to chapter three or four. But besides those, there are a few more: the fantasy world I've created, along with all the people in it, it's history, it's plot, and it's rules; there's the story of Alyssa, the young mother who loses it all and has to start her life again; there's a great story that involves angels, a human girl, and a war.

I can sit down and spend hours researching, planning, and creating characters and lands, all before I sit down and even begin to write the story.

The only downside to this is that I don't do it often enough. But this year it's on my list of things to improve (I refuse to call them resolutions), so hopefully you'll soon see more of my stories up on here or on one of the writer's websites and In The Midst of Lies will be updated a little more.

So there we go, something I love about me. Maybe I'll keep up and do Day 3 tomorrow?? We'll see. It is Christmas Eve, so maybe not. But I'll try :)

~Suz

30 Days of Truth: Something you hate about yourself.

This was surprisingly difficult. Not because I'm so awesome that I couldn't think of something I hated, but because apparently I hate a lot about myself. So I decided to pick two things to focus on: my incredibly low self-esteem and my lack of motivation.

So as most of you already know, I don't have the best opinion of myself. I mean, overall, I think I'm okay. I have good days, on which I think I'm smart, and pretty, and going places in life. But most days, I think the opposite.

I can think of a million reasons why I'm like this, and honestly, I'm not sure how to change that. I can say that if I lost weight I'd be better, but I'm not sure I would be. I could say that if I had a great job I'd change, but I'm not sure I would.

Not surprisingly, low self-confidence is fairly common amongst the female population. It's not easy to think you're great and sexy when you look at people like Nicole Scherzinger and Jessica Biel and every other actress and singer and model.

Anyways, so that's what I hate the most about myself. I would change that before I changed anything else about myself. If I had more self-confidence, then half the stuff I currently want to change might not be necessary anymore.

Second highest on that list would have to be my motivation ADD. It seems like I can only be motivated by something for short spans of time, and it never lasts long enough for me to finish anything. School, stories, work, events...anything. If I could make myself be motivated long enough to actually finish something and go somewhere and do something, that would be great.

So there you go. Day one done. Maybe day two tomorrow?? We'll see.

~Suz