30 Days of Truth: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Like the previous two, this is not easy at all. At first, I thought of things I regret, but those aren't necessarily things I have to forgive myself for. And then I thought of things I've done to other people, but they also aren't something I think needs forgiveness, at least not from myself. I thought of maybe concentrating on something I failed at that I believe I could have changed, but that opens a huge can that I'm not ready to face.

So what to pick??

Th worst thing I've ever done, in my opinion, is try to kill myself. But I've come to terms with that, and I've accepted that although it was a terrible mistake, it's done and I can't change it. I've learned that it's not an experience I want to go through again, nor is what I saw that night an expression I ever want to see on my mom's face again. The second worst thing I've done is how I treated my mom when I was younger, maybe about 15 or 16. But in the end, although I feel I was a terrible person then and I said some horrible things, it's made her and I closer. And since I love our relationship and I love how we are now, I wouldn't change it.

But it can't possibly be that I don't have anything that I have to forgive myself for. That's just crazy!!! Everyone's done things they can't get past. So I have to find something...right??

I'm going to settle on needing to forgive myself for being retarded in school. For skipping, for failing classes, for smoking, for drinking, for everything. It's always been something I wish I could change, something I wish I'd known back then: that high school was important for my future, that high school classes were important for whatever career I wanted to have. I'd also like to learn one day to forgive myself for not going to Katimavik when I got in. I'm not gonna lie, that's my biggest regret. Those nine months in three provinces with eight other people could have been amazing. The sad part is that I know I wouldn't have listened to anyone who told me this. I knew better, right?? Clearly, I was wrong.

I know it may not be as dramatic as some people hoped, but that's the best I've got. I'm pretty content and accepting of most things I've done in my life, and those I regret aren't things I really need to forgive myself for. Don't worry, I'm sure there'll be some in here that are heavy, dramatic, or emotional. Just wait until day 14!!

This update is much earlier than I'd planned. But I really have been in a writing mood. Maybe you'll be lucky and you'll get Day 4 early too!!

~Suz