Monday 6 August 2007

I'm in Montreal, and life sucks.

So it's been a while since I updated. So there's tons of things new in my life right now, I don't even know where to begin.

I guess I'll start with Anthony. We're not together anymore. He broke up with me about a month ago, and he's been seeing a new person for a month now. So I'm pretty sure that he was seeing her or at least there was something there before we broke up. Nothing he says will convince me that it was a coincidence that they got together like a day after he broke up with me.

And even worse, he's being an ass. He doesn't understnad that I don't want to go home and go to someone's bday or something and see him with his new whore. I mean, I'm not saying that he shouldn't see his friends or go just because I'm there, but he should have some consideration at least, and not bring her. That's not really asking a lot.

So I haven't been doing okay. Even worse, I'm in Montreal, and it seems like he waited until I left so that I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. And then, when I wanted to go home, he decided to blackmail me and tell me that if I did, I'd have to pay back the $500 he borrowed from Sal for the trip. Yeah, so he's an ass who yells at me and tells me to stop being a baby and blackmails me. At least now I know who he really is.

But I hurt. Mainly because I can't accept that his arms will never be around me and that I won't kiss him. And that it's not me he wants and needs and misses. And I can't grasp that he really won't be there when I get back. And that he's not mine. That he belongs to someone else now. And it hurts so much to know that I was so unspecial that he was able to move on in a day. I meant so little that he could just forget.

And I can't think of the bad times for some reason. I can only think of good times, and the fun we had. I think of that day in the park, when it was raining. And I think of when I met him. And of cuddling, and hugging him. And how I never felt safer than when I was in his arms.

But I guess I never knew him. The Anthony I knew would never have hurt me this bad. And even worse, I think he does it on purpuse. He says things just to hurt me more.

And I don't know what triggered it. I mean, I knew we had some issues, but I thought we were doing great and were okay. And suddenly, he doesn't love me anymore. And then he's with someone new. And I don't get it.

And I want them to hate her. I want her to not be included. I want it to be hard for him too.
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So seven hours later, and I'm writing again. It's almost 10 now. I got a little emotional (well, a lot emotional), and then Ela and Jack were fantasticl and made me feel better. And then I took a nap (for like half an hour), and then went to Carlos & Pepe's for dollar tacos. It was awesome. And now I'm back.

So yeah, I'm in Montreal right now. Funny, I don't think anyone thought I would really come. It seemed like another one of those things that I plan and look forward to but never happen. And yet, here I am. I've been here for four weeks now, and I leave in 5 days.

It's been pretty cool here. I've met some great people, I've gone to some nice places, and I got to try a bunch of new things. And I've been practicing my french. Not too much, 'cause I suck, but a little. Most people here speak english too, so it's hard to just practice.

I've been put in level one advanced, and I'm still not sure if it's where I should be. Listening and understanding-wise, I should be higher. Speaking-wise, I'm good where I am. But sometimes I get mad because I'm not allowed to use certain things. I mean, we're not even doing passe compose!!! But overall, it's not too bad.

So I'm thinking of applying next year. But I guess I'll wait to see if Rose and Carri are coming back. If they are, I will too. And I'm gonna get Jack or Matt or someone to come with me too!!

So yeah, moving on. My back problem came back while I was here, and I may have to have surgery. The doctor here said that she believes it's probably a herniated disk. If it is, I guess I need surgery. I really hope not, though. Then again, it's not really hurting anymore, so maybe it's nothing to worry about. I almost went home, though, because the doctor here and the doctor back home told me I should. But then Anthony said that if I went home for medical reasons, I'd still have to pay Sal back for half of it. So I had no choice but to stay.

And yeah, so I'm thinking of moving to BC. I applied to Langara college, which I've been told is pretty good, for Journalism and a University Transfer program. If I get in, I will do what it takes to go. I think that somewhere new may be good for me. Somewhere that I can start over and make new friends (though not all the ones I have now are bad) and start a new life. And be near a beach. I would love a beach.

If I don't get in to the school, then I'm gonna work my ass off at Humber. I'm gonna do what I can and get the best grades I can. And since I'll have a few empty spots, I'll also work on getting that other certificate, in the study of human behaviour. I've already got half the courses, I should be able to do it.

And then once I'm done Humber, with my two certificates and an advanced diploma, I'll apply to UBC. And hopefully, my marks will be good enough that I get in and I can move there and get a degree. And even better, I'll prolly be able to do it in less than four years. I like that plan too. I guess it'll all depend on what happens when I get home and with my application to Langara.

Anyways, so Montreal. I really like it here. It's a nice city, and it's interesting, and I love that it's a freaking island. And the Metro (subway) system is fantastic!! Toronto should look at this system and learn from it!! But yeah, I could see me living here. Really, I could. I would just have to learn some more french.

Wow, who knew that all those years of extended french were almost a waste?? I mean, I remember enough, and I say some things that the teacher asks me not to use because their too 'advanced' for a level one class, but I can't speak it. I can't pronounce it, I can barely make it sound right. But I guess trying is better than not. Slowly, I'm getting it back. At least, in my head I am. Out loud, it still sounds bad.

Thankfully, I'm over the horrible homesickness I had when I got here. I was pretty bad, and then the thing with Anthony made it worse. But then I moved floors, and that helped. And then Jack, Matt and Ela came to visit, and then Jack, Matt, Kasia, and Tom. So I'm pretty good now. But I go home in five days, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm just worried about life once I get there. I mean, I have to pack up his shit and give it to him, and get mine. I just hope he doesn't argue over the camping stuff, which I'm so keeping. He hates camping anyways.

But then I have to deal with seeing him at birthdays or at things like that, and I have to deal with him bringing his whore. I shouldn't have to, but apparenlty after four years, he doesn't give a shit about how I feel at all.

Yeah, bad topic to start again.

Anyways, this is getting long, and I should prolly go find people and see what they're up to. So maybe I'll write again later. I may need to.