Friday 30 March 2007

No homework!! I'm bored...

So I'm in the weird and rare situation of not having any homework. It's new for me. I mean, I have nothing due next week. I have stuff due the week after, but nothing I can really do. The design assignment has to be done at school, because I can't transfer it back and forth from the PC Quark to the Mac Quark. So I have to do it there. The COMM one, I have to finish reading the book, which I'm slowly doing. It's kinda boring and I'm not really in a reading mood. So I can't write the essay until I read it. And the two for Thursday, I haven't gotten them yet!! I get them this upcoming Thursday, and they're due the week after.

So yeah, I'm bored. I don't really know what to do with myself. I could clean my room, or do my laundry. Or I could read the book. But none of those sound too appealing. So I'm at a loss as to what to do.

So maybe I'll just go play some more Neverwinter Nights. Such a good game.

Oh, and just to confirm it for everyone, I am definitely gonna be going to Seneca in the fall. I know my reasons for making that decisions weren't the best, but it's done and I will stick by what I've chosen. I basically decided that I let it get too far and I screwed up too bad. And sadly, I don't really want to try and fix it. I'd basically have to redo 2nd year, and I don't want to. So I'm gonna start over somewhere new and do something different. The option of going back to journalism when I'm done will always be there, but for now, I'm going to Seneca, and then to a BA at York. That's the plan, and I will stick by it.

Hopefully the ride isn't as bad as it seems. Apparently I have to go to Kipling by bus, take the subway to St. George, switch onto the other subway, go to Sheppard, and then get on a bus. Yeah, far. I'm gonna hate this. On the plus side, I get to sleep. Maybe do some homework?? Maybe I'll just buy a few more books and read. Ooh, I'll bring the PSP. Good plan!!

Anyways, I'm off to play Neverwinter now.
Bye bye!!

Monday 26 March 2007

Seneca, here I come!!

So I've decided that I second-guess myself too much.

I made a decision. I won' tbe staying at Humber, I will be going to Seneca for their General Arts and Science Diploma. It's a two year program, and it leads basically to York. My courses will be at the Seneca@York campus, which, as you can tell, is at York University. So I've decided that it will be better for me, maybe meet some new people, do something general and then go on to York. This program gets you in to their Bachelor of Arts degree, which includes Criminology and Political Science as options. So that's my plan.

But now I'm wondering if that's a good idea. Am I wrong to leave?? Am I being retarded?? Yesterday, I was happy with my decision. I really was. And then today I tried to drop my magazine course, and they wouldn't let me because apparently friday was the last day to drop a course. So now I'm mad, because I'm stuck in it anyways. So now I don't know what to do.

You know, I'm gonna go to Seneca. Like I told Anthony, although I love writing and I love the news, it's too much. I like deadlines and all, but it's too much pressure and too much work and I'm not organized and disciplined enough to do what I need to do.

So yay, Seneca!! It better kick ass!! Also, on the happy side, I finally get a school email!!! So exciting. I can now join another facebook network. Happy day!!

Anyways, gotta go. Back to my essay!!

Friday 23 March 2007

Magazine??

So, I think I've screwed up magazine class really bad. Everything else, I'm doing okay in. But magazine class?? I'm so screwed. I don't even know if it's not too late to fix it by now. I think right now it's because I really don't care about anything. And I know that if I fail it, it's okay, because I can do it next year. I mean, I'm one year behind for one class already, so what's just one more class??

I don't know. I don't really want to do it again, so I guess I'll have to email Bill and hope that he passes me. I don't think depression and lethargy count as a valid sickness, though. Cross your fingers for me.

On the happy side, I got an 85% on my dangerous earth essay!! Yay for me!!

So Janna's bday at the bar is tonight, and I think I'm gonna give her a cash for life ticket. She always gives me them, with the hope that I win, so I think I'll do the same. Imagine winning?? What a great gift that'd be. But then I'd be mad that it wasn't mine.

Anyways, at the bar, they have these nachos made with potatoes instead of chips. So I'm gonna try them, they sound interesting. I'll let you know how they were.

You know, I forgot how much writing helps. I should write a book!! I don't know what about, though. Self-help books suck, and I'm bad at fiction. Oh, well. No book, then.

But yeah, so I need a job. I think I may go to Eaton's Centre tomorrow and apply at the stores there. Hopefully I can find a job soon, I'm in need of money.

I gotta get going, I have to go take a shower and get ready. I still haven't finished my 10 page essay. I'm at 2 pages. But I don't really get a choice about Janna's, so I'll finish tomorrow.

Okie, bye bye now.

P.S. Does anyone even read this?? It makes me feel better, so I'll keep doing it, but I'm just curious if anyone else reads it.

Wednesday 21 March 2007

I don't really have a title...

So Anthony told me today that I'm emotionally high maintenance. I guess I can see how he'd get that. I mean, I demand a lot. Not really with money, though I'm not the best with that, but with time and effort. I need a lot of his time, and a lot of his effort. It's almost like I need to be his number one priority, and I know that's not right.

It bothers me, though. I used to be so good. I didn't need the guy to spend all his time with me, or talk to me all the time. I mean, I've always been huge on phones and talking for hours, but with friends. I used to talk with Jarx a lot, and then that stopped. I don't even talk to Kasia anymore because she's really too busy. I talk to her basically when we're making plans, that's about it. She's always busy with homework, or with Tom. Same with Robin, really. And I guess they must see the same of me. Maybe I need to do something to fix this, and start talking again. Maybe it'll help once Kasia moves back here.

I should find something to do. Some sort of hobby or something like that. A new job would be good too. That way, I'd have something that takes up my time, instead of being upset that he doesn't have time for me. But you know, I have no idea what I could do. Obviously having a job would help, and then I could pay for some sort of class or something like that. I just really have no idea what.

So I talked to my sister today about the whole depression thing, and she said that she's noticed that I haven't been myself. She says that she knew something was wrong, but she didn't want to say anything and start an argument. I told her that next time, she should talk to Anthony, that way he can tell me. It's funny, I never would have thought that she would know that I wasn't doing okay. Maybe because I still see her as a little kid, when she's 14 and in grade 9. And while she's not an adult, she's not as little as I think she is.

She told me that she could see that I was too unhappy and mad. And she saw that my mom didn't see anything. My mom's of the belief that depression isn't real. It's all in your head. You just have to smile and be happy. And I know it's not that way. It's extremely real and it's hard to deal with, and I need help from the people around me. But she ignores it because it's not something she really thinks is bad. And I can kinda understand, I mean, there's a few things I think don't really need to be treated by drugs, but I wouldn't tell that to someone who felt the suffered from it, I would support them.

I don't know. I think the hardest time is right now, when I know what's wrong but I have to wait for the drugs to help. It sucks because now I know why I don't want to do anything and why I'm so tired and why I want to quit everything, but that doesn't change the fact that I still feel that way. I know I have to do it anyways, because once I'm better I'll regret it, but it's hard. It's really freaking hard.

So in about nine days I'll know about the program in Quebec. I applied for the Explore program again, which is a six week program at a school in Quebec so I can learn french. The tuition, room, and board are paid for, I just have to worry about getting there. Which should be too hard, I should be able to find a way and be okay. Hopefully I get in, I think it'd be good for me to be away for six weeks. Give me and Anthony some time to do our own thing. He could play his games or whatever else he wants to do, and I could feel like I'm travelling and exploring somewhere new.

But anyways, I really should go do my essay now. So far, I only have a topic picked out. And I only have 24 hours to write it!! This is not gonna be good. But it's okay, I just need to pass these classes, and then I have the whole summer to feel better. And then by next semester, I can put more effort into it. And hopefully it'll be better.

Okay, enough stalling. Essay time now. And 8 am class tomorrow. Bye bye!!

Tuesday 20 March 2007

And the doctor says....

So I got back from the doctor's a little while ago, and I decided to post what I found out. Mainly because I need to tell someone and Anthony is still sleeping for another hour. And I've already waited forever!!


So although I'm still diagnosed as pre-diabetic, because once you get that title, it's there forever, I don't think I really have anything to worry about. And the doctor agrees, I'm fine. Only once has my blood sugar tested above normal, which I think was on the fasting test. I had high sugar when I hadn't eaten, but the icky orange stuff they made me drink didn't really make any difference to the sugar. But every other time, I've tested fine, within normal range. Apparently 7.0 is diabetic, 6.0 is pre-diabetic, and I normally test around 5.2 or 5.4, never really any higher. So I think I'm gonna stop worrying about this one. I'm fine. On the plus side, all my eye exams are free now.


Secondly, she says my depression is back. She asked me how I've been feeling, and I gave her an honest answer. I've been having insane mood swings, and the emotions are pretty extreme. I haven't been sleeping well at all, and I'm always tired. Everything scares the crap out of me. I'm not really happy, ever. I get upset easily. I even thought about dropping out of school because I couldn't handle everything.


So she has put me on medication. I'm not a big fan of daily medication, mainly because I am the worst person at remembering to take pills. But you know, if it'll make me feel okay and I won't be such a bitch, then maybe it's not such a bad thing. Plus, I know now that it's not forever. I cana take it for a while, maybe a year or two, and then I can be okay without them for another year or two. And it comes and goes. So I'll learn how to deal. Not happy with it, but I don't really get a choice.


She's also given me the phone number of a clinic to call. She says that I have to call them and talk to them and they'll help me figure out what kind of councelling I need, be it a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or whatever. So cross your fingers that I'll be better by the summer.


I also know now that I have to work on the school stuff, because once I get better I'm gonna kick myself pretty hard if I've screwed it all up. I know I will. So now I have to work twice as hard, because I'd put off so much stuff because I didn't know if I wanted to stay in school.


But at least I can feel better knowing that I'm not retarded and I didn't just suddenly hate something I'd wanted for so long. And it's funny, because in all that time I said I hated it, I knew I didn't. But I just didn't want to do it. I didn't want to do anything at all but lay in my bed and cry. Maybe that's part of the reason I quit Zellers. But oh, well. Now I know, and now I can get better.


But right now, I've gotta focus on the magazine article due tomorrow and the essay due thursday. I know I'm pretty screwed. But I've gotta get them done. That way, I don't have to worry abou them anymore.
So I've decided to post a picture of my sheep. She makes me happy. And yes, I know she has horns and is probably neither a she nor a sheep. But whatever. Her name's Clarisse, and I love her. I got her last weekend when I had my wisdom teeth out and asked my mom for a sheep while I was all drugged up (we'd seen them on the way to the dentist's). And in the ledft bottom corner, you can see my little pillow, which is my most prized possession. My grandma made it for me before I was born, and I still have it. And I still sleep with it and take it absolutely everywhere!!!! It has been everywhere I've been.
Anyways, off to do some homework now. Wish me luck on finishing it. Bye bye!!

A new blog

So I've decided to move over here and start a new blog. I was getting a little bored of livejournal. So I figured I'd try something new.

Anyways, welcome to my blog. I can't guarantee that I'll update it too often, because sometimes things just get so hectic. And homework must come first. Though I do love to procrastinate!!

So my name's Susana, and I'm 23. I was born at the military hospital in San Salvador, El Salvador. I lived there until I was 7 years old (except for 6 months, when I lived in Argentina). Then we lived in Buffalo for about a month, and then we moved to Toronto.

My parents are divorced, and I live with my mom, my two brothers, and my sister. I haven't seen or spoken to my dad in about three years now.

I'm in 2nd year journalism at Humber College. Next year, when we get to pick, I will be doing print (newspapers and magazine). I'm one year behind, because I failed the one very important class, but I won't feel bad because half the class failed it with me. So I will be staying on an extra year for only one class. Since I will be paying full tuition, however, I will also be doing a Certificate in the Study of Human Behaviour. I figure, I'm paying for it, why not?

I've been with my boyfriend, Anthony, for almost four years. It'll be four years May 20th. We're doing pretty good, but we have our moments. We like to disagree a lot. But I love him, and he makes me happy.

As for school right now, I have six classes. Comm 401 (a fancy way of saying English class), Design, Magazine, Dangerous Earth, Origins of Life, and Surveying Society. And yeah, they all like to give lots of homework. This week isn't really too bad, only my magazine article and a 10-page essay due. I know of at least 3 things due next week, and I don't really want to think of how bad it will be after that, as it gets close to the end of the school year.

I just can't wait for May, when school is over and we go camping. It's such a good weekend, when it doesn't rain badly or snow.

Anyways, I have to get going. Many things on today's to-do-list. I have to go to the doctor's, I have to clean my room and do my laundry, and I have to finish my magazine article. It's due tomorrow. And I have to dye my hair, because it did a weird thing with the pink highlights, and so we must get rid of that.

Anyways, here's a picture of me and Anthony, just because I love it and I can post it here.
Bye bye!!