So Anthony told me today that I'm emotionally high maintenance. I guess I can see how he'd get that. I mean, I demand a lot. Not really with money, though I'm not the best with that, but with time and effort. I need a lot of his time, and a lot of his effort. It's almost like I need to be his number one priority, and I know that's not right.
It bothers me, though. I used to be so good. I didn't need the guy to spend all his time with me, or talk to me all the time. I mean, I've always been huge on phones and talking for hours, but with friends. I used to talk with Jarx a lot, and then that stopped. I don't even talk to Kasia anymore because she's really too busy. I talk to her basically when we're making plans, that's about it. She's always busy with homework, or with Tom. Same with Robin, really. And I guess they must see the same of me. Maybe I need to do something to fix this, and start talking again. Maybe it'll help once Kasia moves back here.
I should find something to do. Some sort of hobby or something like that. A new job would be good too. That way, I'd have something that takes up my time, instead of being upset that he doesn't have time for me. But you know, I have no idea what I could do. Obviously having a job would help, and then I could pay for some sort of class or something like that. I just really have no idea what.
So I talked to my sister today about the whole depression thing, and she said that she's noticed that I haven't been myself. She says that she knew something was wrong, but she didn't want to say anything and start an argument. I told her that next time, she should talk to Anthony, that way he can tell me. It's funny, I never would have thought that she would know that I wasn't doing okay. Maybe because I still see her as a little kid, when she's 14 and in grade 9. And while she's not an adult, she's not as little as I think she is.
She told me that she could see that I was too unhappy and mad. And she saw that my mom didn't see anything. My mom's of the belief that depression isn't real. It's all in your head. You just have to smile and be happy. And I know it's not that way. It's extremely real and it's hard to deal with, and I need help from the people around me. But she ignores it because it's not something she really thinks is bad. And I can kinda understand, I mean, there's a few things I think don't really need to be treated by drugs, but I wouldn't tell that to someone who felt the suffered from it, I would support them.
I don't know. I think the hardest time is right now, when I know what's wrong but I have to wait for the drugs to help. It sucks because now I know why I don't want to do anything and why I'm so tired and why I want to quit everything, but that doesn't change the fact that I still feel that way. I know I have to do it anyways, because once I'm better I'll regret it, but it's hard. It's really freaking hard.
So in about nine days I'll know about the program in Quebec. I applied for the Explore program again, which is a six week program at a school in Quebec so I can learn french. The tuition, room, and board are paid for, I just have to worry about getting there. Which should be too hard, I should be able to find a way and be okay. Hopefully I get in, I think it'd be good for me to be away for six weeks. Give me and Anthony some time to do our own thing. He could play his games or whatever else he wants to do, and I could feel like I'm travelling and exploring somewhere new.
But anyways, I really should go do my essay now. So far, I only have a topic picked out. And I only have 24 hours to write it!! This is not gonna be good. But it's okay, I just need to pass these classes, and then I have the whole summer to feel better. And then by next semester, I can put more effort into it. And hopefully it'll be better.
Okay, enough stalling. Essay time now. And 8 am class tomorrow. Bye bye!!
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