Blogging Challenge: hardest thing

8. What is the hardest thing you have ever experiences?

I don't know that I could pick just one thing that has been the hardest.  At the time they were happening, there are many things that I felt were incredibly hard and would never end or get better, but looking back, they weren't really all that bad.

I guess if I were to pick a one of these experiences, I'd have to say my parents' divorce was probably the hardest. Not just because they were splitting up, but because my dad was pretty manipulative with our feelings and picked favourites between my siblings and I to play us off each other, but also because my mom, in an effort to move on, jumped into a relationship with a man I absolutely hated.

Of course, there were other things involved in this terrible time in my life, and it led to me being an angry and depressed teen that tried to end it all, and honestly, I'm still an angry (although less so) and emotional adult. But thankfully the anger and resentment doesn't rule my life as much as it used to.

Recently, I'd have to say that my dog's death hit me hard.  I loved him more than I love some of the people in my life, and I honestly thought he'd be around for years and years to come.  I've been lucky most of my life, never having really lost anyone.  The last funeral I remember was my grandpa, and I was 6 at the time.  So death wasn't something that touched me, and this felt like it came out of nowhere.  Even now, a year and a half later, I can remember what it was like to hug him and sometimes I stare at the places he used to sit and picture him there.  I miss him so, so much.


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Oh, Lucky, how I miss you.

So it's been a little over three weeks, and I still miss my baby.  My Lucky.  I still think I'm gonna see him when I leave my room.  I still think he's about to scratch my door so I can let him in my room.  I still wake up thinking that he should be on my bed.

I come home, and my heart breaks because no one is barking excitedly at me.  No one is so happy I'm home that they run to see me so I'll pet them and hug them.  I don't have him to take out for a walk.  I don't have him to hug.

The love of my life.  RIP Lucky.

I just want to hug him.  Everyday, that's all I want to do.  Just cuddle with him.  Give him a kiss and tell him I love him

Every time I feel down, I look for him, because his hugs and cuddles soothe my every hurt.  But he's not there, and it kills me every time I realize it.

I miss him so much.  It still feels like there's a hole in my heart.  I've always known that he was a part of the family, I just never though I'd have to say goodbye.  I know it seems like I should have known, but I wasn't ready.  I just want another few minutes with him.  Is that so much to ask??

I went to Aidan's house last weekend to drop off my mom, and I went out into the backyard.  Nelson showed me where they buried Lucky. Never in my life have I had such a strong urge to do something.  But I can't dig him up and hug him, 'cause he's gone.  And what's there isn't him.  It breaks my heart to think of him, in the ground, cold and alone.

I always hated the phrases "Give it time," or "It will get better."  Neither of those tell you how long it'll take.  I just want someone to give me an actual timeline.  Like, "It'll hurt for six months, but then you'll be okay."  Something like that, so I know when this hole will stop feeling like it's drowning me in sadness.

I keep thinking that maybe if I had another puppy, I'd feel better.  But then I feel like I'm replacing him.  Is that crazy??  Regardless, no new puppy for me until I don't cry every time I see a puppy on TV.  Or every time I think his name.  Or every time I picture him.

I'm gonna make a shadow box to put in my room, and I'll take it with me wherever I go.  I saved some of his toys, and I'll take a piece of his blanket and put it in.  And a few pictures.  I found some of his hair a few days ago from the last haircut I did (and it wasn't pretty, I cried for like an hour), so maybe I'll put some of that in there as well.  I don't care how creepy it sounds.

That way, I'll always feel like I have a part of him.  Something I can't forget.  Something others can see and remember him by.  Because he was my love and my baby, and he should never be forgotten.

R.I.P. Lucky - the love of my life, the best friend I ever had.

As most of you know, one of the biggest loves of my life is an adorable, 12-year old bichon-poodle mix named Lucky, who is my baby.  On Friday, we had to make the most painful decision I can imagine, and we had to put him down.

I was sixteen when we first got Lucky, and I wasn't living with my mom at the time, although I moved back home not too long afterwards.  And even then, from the minute I saw him, my heart was his.  He was so full of life, so happy, so lovable and cute and cuddly.

I loved him instantly.

And he was so tiny!!  He could sit in the palm of my hand back then.  He slept in a bed we'd made, wrapped up in a blanket.  Sometimes he'd sleep with his arms around one of his stuffed toys. 

Back then, we lived on the first floor, and we didn't have a balcony, really.  Instead, our sliding door opened to a cement patio the same size and shape as the balconies, but with no fences. Beyond that was the grass and trees that were part of the building property.  So it was almost like a backyard.

Going outside was a game to Lucky.  As soon as you opened the door, he would run out, faster than any of us, and run around all over the place.  It would take all of us, and sometimes our friends, too, to catch him.  And even then, we'd need some sort of coordinated attack or he'd slip right past us.

Until one day, my mom threw a shoe at him.  After that, he would patiently wait until you would give him permission to go outside.

He used to love toast.  It was his treat back then, a piece of toast.  Then he got bored of that and it was a piece of cheese.  To his last day, he loved cheese.  He was the pickiest eater.  He loved perogies, but only if they has some sour cream.  And he loved salad, but only if it had three-cheese ranch dressing.  He loooooved frozen green grapes.  Not unfrozen, only frozen ones.  In the summer, when we got ice cream, we'd get him one too.  He liked vanilla, and we'd hold it so he could eat it right from the cone.

He loved to be near people, and his favourite spot to sit was right behind where you were standing. We had to learn for a while to look behind us before we stepped back.

He calmed down as he grew older.  He injured his back leg, so running and jumping became harder for him. We didn't have any other dogs, so he was never super comfortable with them.  He wasn't the kind to wander off and explore too far on his own, and even if we took him camping or wherever, he would stick near you.

He used to come to you when you were sad and lean against you until you hugged him.  He'd kiss your face and do his best to cheer you up.  He greet you at the door, happy, excited that you were home.  He'd go over and scratch at the couch, or at your door, or on your bed, until you let him up so he could sit with you wherever you were.  He loved car rides, and he loved to feel the air against his face as he stuck his head out the window, even in the middle of winter.  He loved his toys, and would sleep with them at night.  He knew what you meant when you said 'shower' or 'bath' and would run and hide.

Lately, he had been very sick.  We found out a few months ago he was diabetic, and it took a while to get his sugar to where we believed it was under control.  He lost about 8 or 9 lbs since Christmas (which is an incredible amount for an overweight 23-lbs doggie), and he was less lively than usual.  About three weeks ago, though, he started going blind. It started off normally, where he had a milky colour to his eyes and he slowly lost sight.  Then about two weeks ago they started turning slightly red (almost like a reflection, or red-eye in pics), and within the week they were red and there was a discharge.  A few days later, they were super swollen and slightly deformed.  By Wednesday of this week, they were swollen to the point it seemed like they would burst any minute.  There was also a small indentation in the middle of them, which is where all the discharge was coming out.  Since we don't have the $3000+ to fix everything, we couldn't help him.  We couldn't even use steroids to bring down the swelling, as they would possibly lead to liver failure for his already damaged liver.

Sadly, the choice was made, after the vet's recommendation, to put him down.


I don't think, ever my life, have I felt such heartbreak.  I feel like we failed him.  Like we could have fixed it but didn't, even though I know realistically we did what was within our means to do.

I feel like I lost a family member.  Like a little hole in my heart has been made and will never be filled.  I can't imagine another pet, or loving another one as much as I loved my baby.

He was my constant companion, spending his days laying next to me as I sent out emails or updated blogs, or read, or did whatever.  He would curl up like a baby in my arms, and cuddle next to when to sleep.

It hurts to know he's not here.  I can't hug him.  And I can't pet him.  I don't get to take him out, and see him run around in the sun.  I don't get to see him do his little somersault onto his back so he can wiggle around on the ground. I don't get to wake up to his scratching my door, and I'll never again get to sleepily let him in and cuddle with him on my bed. 

I hope that wherever he is, he is as happy, and as loved, as he was here.  I hope that maybe he's somewhere with my grandma, sitting on the couch next to her, watching TV and waiting for us to come home.

Thank you for all the years, and the memories, and the love.  I will never, ever, ever forget you, and I will love you until the day I die.  And even then, I'll hope you meet me wherever I'm going.

I love you.

Since you asked for it: an update.

So I got a text message this weekend telling me I don't update this often enough and you wanna know what's up in my life.  Really?? I mean, hello?!?!  Didn't you see the barrage of posts??  There's, like, 4 in the last month.  That's pretty freaking incredible for me!!

God, you're so demanding.  Yeah, you know who you are.

So I figured that I'd update, since I should have been having coffee with you, except you bailed, asshole.  although you know, if you had met me for coffee like you were supposed to, you'd know what's up in my life.  Yeah, I'm sticking my tongue out at you.  That's right, I am mature.

So yes, update.

What's new??  Nothing.  I'm still applying to tons of jobs everyday.  At least now I'm starting to get some call backs or emails and interviews.  So I guess that's progress.  Hopefully I'll be able to join the land of the employed soon.

I've been reading a lot.  I was feeling sick all week, so after sending out some resumes in the morning, the sick would catch up with me and I'd lay down and read a book.  Man, I forgot how much I love reading, and just how fast I can go through a book.  Last week I read 10.

Now, none of those books were epic-sized.  They were about 300-450 pages each.  So although I wasn't as awesomely productive as I was hoping to be, at least not in the job-search department, I did manage to get some reading done.  I'm now re-reading the Witching Hour by Anne Rice.  I love her books, but I forgot how much she goes on and on and on and on and on (you get the point, right??) with useless information and descriptions and backstory.  But still, love it.  Haven't read them since high school.  Hopefully they're just as good as I remember.

Lucky is pretty blind now, so it's a challenge to make sure he's eating and drinking water and making sure he doesn't bang his head against the wall 400 times a day.  He's lost all his energy and just lays near me all day.  It breaks my heart to know that he can't see anything.  I still remember the crazy, palm-sized mini puppy that would run outside and was impossible to catch.  I just wish I could fix him and make him last another 10, 15, 40 years.  I can't pretend it's not gonna kill me when he dies, and I haven't yet accepted the possibility that it could be soon.

I don't really have any other updates.  I'm looking forward to watching The Hunger Games; I'm excited for the day it's warm enough to go to the beach; I'm looking forward to possibly seeing Matt's baby pictures soon.  I've been doing insanity, and I'll prolly write an update on that one eventually.  I've decided e-readers are NOT tools of the devil.  I really want to go kayaking or canoeing this summer, preferably while camping up in Tobermory.  I'm thinking of planning a May 2-4 trip, since I've promised Gaby for years I'd take her.  I'm making a family tree, and I've realized I've got a shit ton of relatives.

Yeah.  So updated.  Happy, jerkface??