Oh, Lucky, how I miss you.

So it's been a little over three weeks, and I still miss my baby.  My Lucky.  I still think I'm gonna see him when I leave my room.  I still think he's about to scratch my door so I can let him in my room.  I still wake up thinking that he should be on my bed.

I come home, and my heart breaks because no one is barking excitedly at me.  No one is so happy I'm home that they run to see me so I'll pet them and hug them.  I don't have him to take out for a walk.  I don't have him to hug.

The love of my life.  RIP Lucky.

I just want to hug him.  Everyday, that's all I want to do.  Just cuddle with him.  Give him a kiss and tell him I love him

Every time I feel down, I look for him, because his hugs and cuddles soothe my every hurt.  But he's not there, and it kills me every time I realize it.

I miss him so much.  It still feels like there's a hole in my heart.  I've always known that he was a part of the family, I just never though I'd have to say goodbye.  I know it seems like I should have known, but I wasn't ready.  I just want another few minutes with him.  Is that so much to ask??

I went to Aidan's house last weekend to drop off my mom, and I went out into the backyard.  Nelson showed me where they buried Lucky. Never in my life have I had such a strong urge to do something.  But I can't dig him up and hug him, 'cause he's gone.  And what's there isn't him.  It breaks my heart to think of him, in the ground, cold and alone.

I always hated the phrases "Give it time," or "It will get better."  Neither of those tell you how long it'll take.  I just want someone to give me an actual timeline.  Like, "It'll hurt for six months, but then you'll be okay."  Something like that, so I know when this hole will stop feeling like it's drowning me in sadness.

I keep thinking that maybe if I had another puppy, I'd feel better.  But then I feel like I'm replacing him.  Is that crazy??  Regardless, no new puppy for me until I don't cry every time I see a puppy on TV.  Or every time I think his name.  Or every time I picture him.

I'm gonna make a shadow box to put in my room, and I'll take it with me wherever I go.  I saved some of his toys, and I'll take a piece of his blanket and put it in.  And a few pictures.  I found some of his hair a few days ago from the last haircut I did (and it wasn't pretty, I cried for like an hour), so maybe I'll put some of that in there as well.  I don't care how creepy it sounds.

That way, I'll always feel like I have a part of him.  Something I can't forget.  Something others can see and remember him by.  Because he was my love and my baby, and he should never be forgotten.