30 Days of Truth: I wish I hadn't...

22. Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.

There are a great many things I regret, although most of those are things I wish I'd done.  So which one of the things I regret doing do I regret the most??  I have no idea.

I try to not regret my choices, because I don't really believe you can live happily if you wish you could take back everything you've done.  That said, I also know you can't not regret anything, as there are always some things you just know were stupid.

So I'm gonna go with fucking up school.  I won't even be specific about when, because, let's be honest, I've fucked up school pretty bad every time it counted: high school, all attempts at post-secondary....

I also wish I hadn't taken journalism, that I'd taken something more secure in college: paralegal, law clerk, some sort of tech.  Even cabinetmakers have it easier.  Journalism is super hard to break into.   Or maybe I just suck as a writer??   It's also changed since the heyday of investigative journalism, which, to be honest, was the reason I got into journalism in the first place. 


So there you have it.  Maybe I'll write a normal update soon to go with this one.  That'd be great, don't you think??

30 Days of Truth: If my best friend was hurt...

21. Scenario: Your friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before.  What do you do??

Well, unless my best friend slept with my boyfriend, physically hurt my family, set me up for a crime I didn't commit, or had me kidnapped and sold my organs, I'm pretty sure the first thing I'd do is rush to the hospital to make sure they're okay.  We can always work our shit out later, but if there was an accident, then I'd need to make sure that I let my best friend know I'm there for them no matter what.  No matter what stupid shit we fight about or what retarded shit we say to each other, 'cause those things don't matter in the end. I'd make sure they were okay, and see if they needed anything, and help out any way I could.

Unless they did one of those three things I mentioned (or something equally as bad).  In that case, well, all I can say is, "Ha!!  Good.  I hope it hurts."

Yeah, I can be incredibly mean.  If it helps, I'd also call or text them that.  'Cause there's no point in being a bitch about things if they don't know you're being a bitch about things.

30 Days of Truth: my not-so-secret love for booze!!

20. Your views on drugs and alcohol

Tequila good.  Rum better.  Drugs bad.

I think that about sums it, right??  No??  Fine, I'll elaborate a little.

St. Patrick's Day, 2012.  Made by Kasia.

So I started drinking when I was legal at 19...  hahahaha, you didn't really believe that, did you?? It's almost as if you don't know me or something!!

So the first time I was drunk I was 14.  Someone had gotten a lot of beers, and I drank many of them.  They were gross, but it was the thing to do, you know??  And it was a good time.

I didn't actively start drinking again until I was about 17.  That was when it became a common thing at parties.  Kasia's parties were awesome!!  And usually they involved lots of drinking.

Back then I was the queen of coolers.  I loved Smirnoff Twisted in watermelon and green apple.  And I loved Woody's Blueberry.  But sadly, coolers started giving migraines.  I don't know why.  They're instant -- as in, I take a drink and less than five minutes later, I'm in pain.  And if I drink coolers all night anyways (or even just like 3 or so), I'll throw up the next day as if I've drank my weight in vodka.  Also, vodka is the tool of the devil (no, seriously, it is!!).

And that was when I discovered the greatness that is Captain Morgan.  White rum, spiced rum, and (the best one!!) silver spiced rum.  I love me some Captain. It is my go-to for all parties.

Lobsteritas from Red Lobster are super yummy!!

A few years ago I also discovered tequila.  At first, I thought it was gross.  But then I stopped being a moron and decided it was awesome!!  Sadly, I can't drink gold tequila (instant migraines!!), so I drink silver.  I have also learned that salt does NOT help.  In fact, it makes it worse.  So now I just do the shot and have a lemon (the green one.  Yes, I know.  Leave it alone.).

Patrón is now my drink of choice.  It's not for everyday, 'cause $90 a bottle is crazy, but it's so good. Rum and coke is my usual drink, although I do enjoy amaretto sours, mojitos, and slushie margaritas. 

Jello shots are awesome too.  They're super fun!!  And you can drink sooooo many of them!!

But drugs are bad.  No drugs for me.  If you do weed, I don't care (as long as I can't smell it, it gives me migraines).  But anything harder than that and you're not welcome at my party.  Just say no.

Now I'm really looking forward to camping!!  So much rum to drink....

30 Days of Truth: religion and what I believe.

19. What do you think of reli­gion? Or what do you think of politics?

This one is much, much harder than the last one.  I can't decide which question to answer.  So I flipped a coin, and we'll be talking about...religion. 

Hmmm.  Where to start without pissing everyone off??  Well, I was baptized and raised as a Catholic.  I went to a Catholic elementary school (go, go STM) and I had my first communion and confirmation.  Then I went to a Catholic high school (yeah Pocock).  I even joined Heart Ministry, which was the group led by the priest at our school and did things like food drives and Christmas baskets.

But honestly, I haven't been inside a church in a long, long time.  Well, other than Ste. Anne-de-Beaupré outside Quebec City, but that was more of a touristy thing than a religious thing.  I don't think I went to church during my high school years at all.  Except maybe if my siblings had a communion or a confirmation.  Even then, I may have skipped it.  What?? I was like 14.  I had way better things to do, you know.  I was a good sister like that.

So what do I believe??  Well, I'm not faith-less.  I'm not atheist (like I used to think I was).  I just don't believe everything I'm told to believe or in the church (any of them) itself.

What does that mean??  I believe there is a god, although I don't really believe it's the god of any one particular religion.  I mean, it could be Zeus for all I know.  But really, I do believe there is a higher being.  I'm not so sure about Jesus.  I feel that Jesus could have been some guy that they picked to write about, although I admit I don't know, and I could very well be wrong.  As for the Bible, well, I feel like it could have been written by anyone.  And you hear all about these books that should have been in there but weren't because they said something different, and while they could all be lies, it's just enough to make me doubt them all.

I don't believe in priests absolving you of sins, and I don't believe confession is the key to Heaven.  Honestly, I don't know if I believe in Heaven.  I like the idea of reincarnation better, if for no other reason than it means we get another chance at life.  But I don't believe that confessing your sins makes you clean and pure again.  How can someone who kills a bunch of people, or rapes and tortures women, or hurts children, suddenly be okay because he told a priest all about it and said a few Hail Marys??  That doesn't make sense to me at all. They should be born again as a slug.  Or, if I'm wrong and there is a Heaven and Hell, then they should burn forever.

Also, I'm all for gay marriage.  I think being gay is something you are, not something you learn, and I believe they should have the same rights to a legal marriage as everyone else.  I'm also all for birth control and pre-marital sex.  Yeah, let's not pretend that it doesn't happen, 'cause it does.  And I like things that will help keep all the pre-marital sex-havers baby-less.  

Do I want to get married in a church??  Not really, but if it meant a lot to the person I was marrying, then I'd be willing to do it. I'd prefer a non-religious ceremony, if only because they're so long!!  Also, there is that "obey" line I take offense to, although that's easily removable. 

I could totally get more into it, but that's the basics.  I don't think I'm missing anything super big. 

Check out this post, from Avitable, called "Why You're Probably Stupid If You're Giving Something Up For Lent."  It's pretty good, and totally in line with what I think.  Actually, just check out his whole site.  It's pretty funny.

There is a song by a Spanish singer named Ricardo Arjona that I feel really sums things up well.  It's called "Jesus Verbo No Substantivo."  My mom played it for me when I was younger, and I've loved it since then.  He's got a bunch of songs that are awesome and fairly protesty.  And he sings one of my favourite songs ever, called "El Problema."  Too bad it's in Spanish and most of you can't understand it.  Maybe look for a translation??  

I guess you can always ask me later.  I'll translate for you.  Or, to be more honest, I'll email you a translation that I Googled, which you can really do yourself.  Don't be lazy.  Only one of us can be, and I'm already doing a great job at it.

30 Days of Truth: I don't care who you marry.

18. Your views on gay marriage.

This is probably one of the easiest to answer.  I don't care who you marry.  I'm all for everyone being able to marry whoever they want.  I don't believe the word "marriage" is a religious term, so I don't see any reason why it can't mean something besides the union between a man and a woman.

As far as I understant it, 'marriage' used to mean that, legally and politically.  But it was changed (at least, it was here in Canada) to "the union between two people." Or something like that.  I don't see why this is a problem.

I can see why people have a problem with changing the religious version, but honestly, we don't need that.  As long as you're legally recognized, who cares if you can't get married in a church??  I mean, I don't even want to get married in a church, and I'm allowed to.  It's not all great to have to stand there for an hour and agree to obey someone else.

Anyways, back to the original answer: I'm all for it. 

30 Days of Truth: Books that have changed my world.

17. A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Hmm. I've been thinking about this one, and I really can't come up with anything. I can't say that there are any books that have made me look at something differently or made me change my life in any kind of drastic way.

The closest I can come to books that have influenced or made changes in my life are "The Giver" by Lois Lowry, "Coming Home" by Rosamunde Pilcher, "The Third Magic" by Welwyn Wilton Katz, and "Animal Farm" by George Orwell.

None of them were epic, life-altering, opinion-changing books, but they did have an impact, in their own ways.

"The Giver" is the first book I remember reading and loving. I was like 9, I think, and I thought it was fantastic. It was the first book I'd read that wasn't set in a world that was like mine - they had different rules and customs and way of living. It made me realize that books could show me something different - a different life, world, situation - than mine, and that made me want to read more.  I started to read any and every book I could.  It was also the first book I read more than once.

Honestly, I didn't understand the word 'dystopia' until many years later, but even now, I love books about dystopian societies. "Number the Stars" by Lois Lowry, was also big for me, actually.  It was the first book I read about what the Jews went through during World War II.  It made me want to research more into it, although I didn't really do that until I read "The Diary of a Young Girl" by Anne Frank a year or two later.

"Coming Home" was the first book I read that I couldn't put down.  It wasn't anything fantastical or whimsical, but it was the first 'adult' book I'd read.  It's about a British girl living alone and growing up her parents abroad in Singapore (then Sri Lanka) and spanned from when she is 14 in 1935 until she's 24 in 1945.  This book was hardcover and approximately 700 or 800 pages.  I was only about 10 years old when I read it, but it made my thirst for books so much more pronounced.  I wanted more!!  And suddenly, I wasn't afraid to read books that weren't in the children's section.  It was incredibly liberating.  I was so proud of myself and I felt like a grown-up. Although it's been a few years since I read it (for the hundredth or so time!!), this book remains one of my favourites.

I found "The Third Magic" in a pile of books during 'reading time' at school, and it was the first fantasy book I read.  It was amazing!!  There was magic, and weird creatures, and laws and natural things that aren't like here at all.  I loved it!!  I read it over and over and over and over again.  The best part was that it was about a normal girl, living in 20th century Earth, that ended up somewhere else.  It was incredible.  Even now, those are my favourite kinds of books.  I'm pretty sure I was in grade six when I read it, so I would have been about 11 or 12.

I didn't read "Animal Farm" until I was about 15, and when I did, it spawned an intense love of all things Russian history for me.  I loved reading anything and everything I could get that was related to the Tsars and their stories.  I read anything and everything I could about the revolution and Russia's political life around that time.

So there you go.  Books that made an impact.  At least, those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.

30 Days of Truth: Things I could live without

16. Some­one or some­thing you def­i­nitely could live without.

I don't really get this one.  Am I supposed to say something like my dad and debt??  Or something like disease and famine??  'Cause I could live without either.

And really, if I could live without something, shouldn't I have gotten rid of it by now??  Shouldn't I have done my best to not have it in my life??

I guess I should talk about stuff I do have in my life that I wish wasn't there but isn't easy to just  get rid of. So although it would be nice if disease and famine were eradicated, that's so not what this question is asking.

So I'll stick with my dad and debt.

I'm not sure that those really need an explanation.  If you don't know why I don't want my dad in my life, you should probably just read a few posts back.  And if you don't know why debt is shitty, well, then let's trade!!

So yeah, that's about all I've got for this one.

30 Days of Truth: Things I don't want to live without.

15. Some­thing or some­one you couldn’t live with­out, because you’ve tried liv­ing with­out it. (Finally halfway!!!)

 So this one was a little tricky. First, I really don't like the idea that I couldn't continue on or would fall to pieces without someone or something, so I've decided to treat this as a "wouldn't want to" as opposed to "couldn't." Secondly, there are a lot of things or people I wouldn't want to live without, but I haven't tried to or experienced it. So all the obvious ones (my mom, my family, Matt, Lucky, etc) don't fit here.

So after a bit of thinking, I've decided on two things: frequent contact with my mom and my little pillow. I cannot imagine any kind of situation, other than short-term ones like vacations, where I would be okay with not talking to my mom at least every few days. I was in Montreal for a summer, and I've spent time not living at home with her (either on my own or with my dad), and not being able to talk to her was always terrible. I mean, I can do it for a few days, and if there's a vacation or something involved I can deal, but prolonged, deliberate not talking?? Terrible.

If someone had told me, when I was a teenager, how much I'd need even a short conversation with her, I might have laughed at them. I probably would have gone on about how she didn't care, or I didn't care, or she wouldn't notice anyways. I was a pretty angry kid. But yeah, need to talk to her.

 The other thing is my little pillow. for those of you who don't know (although, really, who doesn't know??) my grandma made me a small pillow when I was born. It's nothing elaborate, it's seriously just a small pillow. But like I just said, I've had it since I was born. It always has to come with me on trips and be near me when I sleep. The only time I can sleep without it is when I'm with Matt, and even then I miss it sometimes.

 Honestly, the idea of losing it terrifies me more that you can imagine. It's a part of me. It's been around just as long as I have!! And it's always been at my side. Always. I've cried tears into it; screamed in frustration into it; punched it in anger; hugged it when I was lonely; and laughed into it when I was happy. It's necessary for me. If I go, it comes with me.

There's been a few times I've gone somewhere and forgot it, and believe me, it wasn't pretty!! I've tried vacations and weekends without it. And all I've learned is that it's for the best if I pack it. There was also the one time I actually left it behind in the unmade bed at the hotel in Vegas, and only the fact that Jarx thought to check the bed before we left saved it (thanks, Jarx!!).

 So there you go. Two things I wouldn't want to live without.

30 Days of Truth: A letter to a hero that has let you down.

14. A letter to a hero that has let you down.

I've never really had a hero.  There wasn't any one person that I looked up to and wanted to be like.  There wasn't anyone that I greatly admired, at least, not anyone that has let me down.

I guess really the person that has let me down the most is me.  So I'll just write me a letter as though I was trying to give my 16-year-old self some advice.

Dear me,

Lately you've been skipping a lot of class and ignoring all your homework, and I know you feel this is a great plan, but I need you to reconsider.  Right now, all you say to that is something like, "meh, whatever," but a few years down the line, you'll wish you'd done it differently.

Class and homework are more important than you think, and so is going to a good school and getting a degree.  I'd like you to put a little more work towards your future, as right now it's looking kinda bleak.

You also need to know that people do love you.  I know it seems like no one cares and it wouldn't matter if you were gone, but believe me, it would.  You have made an impact in people's lives and there are people you will meet whose lives will be much better for having you in them.  You will also find someone who loves you for who and how you are, so you don't need to pretend for anyone.

Your father's opinion doesn't matter, so stop trying so hard to get his attention.  Your mom's love and opinion matters, and she's there if you're willing to try.  She'll always be there.  Your siblings will be awesome...one day when they're not young and annoying.

Also, learn to manage money.  Please.  This is key.

Love,
Susana

30 Days of Truth: Music that gets me through the days.

13. A band or artist that has got­ten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

So I've been trying to think of one band that has helped get me through some days, and honestly, I can't think of just one.  So I decided to do songs instead.  I can think of a few songs that helped me get through some tough days or really got to me by saying everything I felt or everything I wanted to say.

"Wonderful" by Everclear is one of the songs that made me feel as if they knew how I felt when they wrote it.  Even now, it's hard for me to listen to without feeling like I did back when I was 12 and life was changing so much. 

"Emotionless" by Good Charlotte is a song that  describes how currently I feel in regards to my father. With the exception of one line, everything said in that song feels like it could have been written with me in mind.  Some days I wish I could send him the lyrics, and let him know how I feel.  And some days, I wonder if he even cares or remembers.  And like the song says, I wonder if misses me, and I wish I could hate him, but I'm pretty sure that the song tells you just how much it hurts to not be able to hate him.

Anyways, moving on.

"Over You" by Daughtry was another one that got me through a tough time. I would listen to it over and over again, knowing that one day I'd agree with all the lyrics.  The day it finally happened, when I realized that was how I felt, was a great day. Kelly Clarkson's "Never Again" helped through this period too, but not as much.

Shakira is usually pretty good at cheering me up and making me dance, and Rise Against is my go-to for getting out my rage and frustration.  Goo Goo Dolls and 30 Seconds To Mars calm me down, and a playlist that includes LMFAO, Ke$ha, Britney and Pitbull will get me ready for any party.

I can probably think of many, many more, but then this list would go on forever.  So I'll leave it at those for now.

30 Days of Truth: Some­thing you never get com­pli­ments on.

So I'm back on this 30 Days of Truth thing. I kinda wanna finish it. So, on to the next one: Something I never get compliments on.

I can't really think of something I never get complimented on, so I guess I'll write about something people often tell me I need to work on fixing, or sucks about me, or whatever. So I've got two: my laziness and my lack of drive and ambition, and my terrible handling of money.

So as most of you know, the way I live my life is simple: if I can do it tomorrow instead of today, I will. Procrastination has always been something I practice regularly. This goes for everything in my life - health-related (I should so be going to the gym), work (I shouldn't be writing this now), writing (I really should update my soccer blog), and everything else you can think of. It is probably one of the things about me I get shit for the most often. I know I need to change it, and I will...later.

My way of money management, or lack thereof, is what I hear the most of. I can make an awesome budget on paper, but I can never translate it to real life. I spend before I pay bills, I go places and do things before I even consider how I'm going to pay everything I need to. I buy pointless things and spend tons on food and eating out. I waste money and having nothing to show for it. I suck at paying people back. Trust me, I know. I've heard it all. I've tried to change it, but it never happens. Maybe I'll leave my debit card locked up?? If anyone knows of a way to do better at this, let me know!!

So there you go. I'm sure if you ask people who know me, they can come up with more. But those are the two I'd say I hear the most.

~ Suz

30 Days of Truth: Some­thing peo­ple seem to com­pli­ment you the most on.

So I thought about this one, and it's taken me a while to come up with what people compliment. I've come up with my writing, and my personality (I know, that's super surprising to some of you).

My writing is something that most people will compliment me on, if they've seen it. Sometimes, people I didn't know were reading my stuff will tell me they liked it, which is super awesome to hear. Sometimes I'll get messages from people I've never met in places I've never been telling me that they liked what I wrote, or that they agree, or that they disagree...still, having a total stranger care enough to write a comment is awesome. Now if only I could find a writing job, that would be great!!

Surprisingly, my personality gets me a lot of compliments. If someone were to ask me to describe myself, I'd use words like bitchy, moody, or lazy. But for some reason, a lot of the people who know me tell me how much they appreciate my friendliness, my enthusiasm, my selflessness, my willingness to help out, my ability to listen and offer advice, and so many other things I would have never used to describe me.

So yeah, those are the two I get the most. I get hit on a surprising amount, so I'm assuming that people think I'm good looking, but don't normally tell me that. My awesome boyfriend tells me that all the time, though :D That makes me happy.

~Suz

30 Days of Truth: Some­one you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

There are actually a lot of people that fit in this category. I've recently come to the conclusion that a lot of people in my life are not healthy for me. This doesn't make it any easier for me to walk away from them. As we all know, I will fight forever to make something work...until I can't anymore.

I've actually been thinking a lot about this recently. I would absolutely love to lead a drama-free life and just be happy in the knowledge that all the people I know are honest with me and would have my back if I needed them....but that's sadly not the case. I don't really believe that everyone I know would stand behind me if I needed them to.

I'm not a fan of fake people. I try to be honest, and I tell people what I think and how I feel 90% of the time. I don't want to talk about someone behind their back and then pretend that I'm their friend when I'm with them. I don't want to beat the same topic to death and I don't want to hate anyone. But at the same time, I'm not sitting her listing everyone that I'm thinking of, because like I said, I'm only honest 90% of the time. It's not that I hate them or want to never speak to them again, I just wish it could be different.

A few people I really did wish I could let go or wish I'd just never met: my dad, my ex, my mom's ex, a few people at Lavalife. Yep, that's about it.

30 Days of Truth: Some­one you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Well, this would be an incredibly long list. I've come to the conclusion that I am terrible at keeping in touch with people. I don't call, I don't always go to events I'm invited to, I don't txt or send msgs.

I try to stay in touch, I do. Well, I guess Facebook doesn't really count, so maybe I don't, then. It doesn't help that my phone number has changed a million times in the last 10 years, that I've moved a few times, and that I don't work at the same location.

I don't actually hang out with anyone from high school, much less elementary school. That bothers me, 'cause there were tons of people that were awesome and that I'd love to see again, but like always, I never do anything about it. The only people I hang out with that I met in high school didn't even go to Pocock!! And the few people in my life that went to Pocock I met long after I (and they) had left.

And what about STM people?? What about the BFFs??? I suck. Maybe it's about time I start msging ppl and seeing if we can catch up. Maybe it'll be awesome!!

So don't be surprised, if you haven't heard from me in a while, to get a call or msg or facebook post from me. It's just me missing you.

~Suz

30 Days of Truth: Someone who has/had made your life hell

Hmmmm...how to answer this one. Well, I'm gonna take the easy (and kinda truthful) way out, and say no one. There really isn't anyone who has made my life incredibly hellish, and there definitely isn't anyone who has done it purposely and for a prolonged period of time.

I think it'd be unfair to name people here who have done something that made my life difficult for a small period of time, or who did something, not on purpose, that made my life hell.

I can think of a lot of people who have done shit to me that makes my life hard, or made me feel worthless, or have done what they can to bring me down. But I don't really want to start a list of everyone who has ever hurt or wronged me.

Also, I'm trying to have less drama and gossip and I'm trying to learn to let things go, so that's all I'm going to say on this one.

~Suz

30 Days of Truth: Someone who has made your life worth living for

So this one is harder. I guess it depends on what they mean by "made your life worth living for." I'm gonna assume it's not meant in a "I-love-you-so-much-and-I-can't-live-without-you" way, but more as someone who has made your life enjoyable or has helped make your life more fun and interesting. Someone who is there for you when you need them and can cheer you up if they have to. Not necessarily someone you admire, just someone who you can call a good friend.

So I thought about this, and I'm going to have to say two people fit into this for me. I'm going to have to say my mom and Jarx.

I picked my mom because seeing everything she's given up for us makes me want to show her it was worth it. Watching her struggle and deal with shitty jobs and low income and four kids makes me realize that someone out there loves me unconditionally and will do everything she can, and give up anything she needs to, to make me happy and safe and loved. And that makes me want to live my life and do great things and succeed. One day, I hope she'll be able to look at my life and be proud of the person I've become and the things I've done, and she'll realize that what she did meant the world to me.

Jarx...well, I promised him I'd name him in something :p But no, really, he helps. Lets me ramble on about the shit in my life, tries to give me advice he knows I won't listen to, comes over and eats my food....but he's there if I need him. And I'm determined we should go on more trips. We have fun, and you know it!!

....so trip soon, Jarx??

~Suz

30 Days of Truth: Something you hope to never have to do

Well, this one really wasn't too hard. I hope I never have to watch a friend die. I hope I never have to bury a child. I hope none of my friends or family ever go missing, get kidnapped or abducted, or just disappear. I hope I never have to watch someone I care about spiral down into self-destruct mode and lose everything in their life.

Yeah, short, but there's really not m uch to elaborate on.

~Suz

30 Days of Truth: Something you hope to do in your life.

Well, this is a long one. I have both a list of things I want to do next year, as well as a list of things to do before I die. Then there's a list of places I want to visit. And then there's the things I want to accomplish in life. So I guess I'll just talk about all of those.

The list for next year can actually be found on this site, a few posts down. Just look for the post titled "Things I want to do in 2011."

The list of things I want to do before I die is quite long, and honestly, it just keeps changing. I add things all the time, and I remove things (not often), or I plain just forget some things. To name a few on that list:
- swim with dolphins
- go skydiving
- see the Northern Lights
- walk through the mountains to Macchu Picchu
- attend the World Cup
- learn as many languages as possible
- ride a hot air balloon
- learn to horseback ride
- learn to surf
- go wild water rafting in the Grand Canyon
- hug a panda
- walk the Great Wall of China
- go on a safari
- visit Mount Everest and Kilimanjaro

Yeah, there's tons more. And I'm pretty sure if I sit here I can come up with a super long list. I should start a scrapbook and put one thing per page, and put a picture when I do it. Yep, that's my new plan. Now to get a scrapbook :)

As for places I want to go, well, I want to go to every country. All of them. And I want to visit every state and province. Obviously, there's a few places I want to go more than others, so here's a list of the ones I want to see the most: Macchu Picchu, Scotland, Madrid, Australia, Ireland, London, Galapagos Islands, Jasper National Park, Thailand, Brazil. I could just go on, but I guess that's a good enough list.

And lastly, things I want to accomplish. Well, I'd like to get a great job, maybe writing, maybe doing PR, that pays me well and is stable. I'd like to one day have a PR or event planning or writing-type company that does well, or maybe just have a good position at someone else's company. I'd like to buy a condo, or a house, and have it be nicely furnished. I want to buy a car, maybe a Nissan Rogue or a Lexus RX. I'd like to get married to someone I love and trust and who treats me well and who loves me and trusts me. I'd like to have kids, two, maybe three, and one day have the kind of relationship with them that I have with my mom. I'd like to have a dog. A cute, fluffy dog.

So there you go. My lists. Apparently I want to do a lot. Maybe I should get working on that??

~Suz

30 Days of Truth: Something you have to forgive someone else for.

I've spent some time thinking about this one. There are many things that people have done to me throughout my life that I feel would take a while for me to forgive. Many of them, I haven't forgiven them, and I probably never will.

I can hold grudges for a very long time. I can be angry for years, or just not willing to let go and move on because I don't want to.

But honestly, I can't think of anything I feel the need to forgive others for. The problem with this one is that it asks you not for something that you felt was done to you and would require forgiveness, but for something I feel I need to forgive for. So I'm going to have to say that I don't feel the need to forgive anything I haven't already forgiven.

So I guess this one will be left unanswered?? Oh, well. Maybe I'll have better luck with the next one.

~Suz

30 Days of Truth: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Like the previous two, this is not easy at all. At first, I thought of things I regret, but those aren't necessarily things I have to forgive myself for. And then I thought of things I've done to other people, but they also aren't something I think needs forgiveness, at least not from myself. I thought of maybe concentrating on something I failed at that I believe I could have changed, but that opens a huge can that I'm not ready to face.

So what to pick??

Th worst thing I've ever done, in my opinion, is try to kill myself. But I've come to terms with that, and I've accepted that although it was a terrible mistake, it's done and I can't change it. I've learned that it's not an experience I want to go through again, nor is what I saw that night an expression I ever want to see on my mom's face again. The second worst thing I've done is how I treated my mom when I was younger, maybe about 15 or 16. But in the end, although I feel I was a terrible person then and I said some horrible things, it's made her and I closer. And since I love our relationship and I love how we are now, I wouldn't change it.

But it can't possibly be that I don't have anything that I have to forgive myself for. That's just crazy!!! Everyone's done things they can't get past. So I have to find something...right??

I'm going to settle on needing to forgive myself for being retarded in school. For skipping, for failing classes, for smoking, for drinking, for everything. It's always been something I wish I could change, something I wish I'd known back then: that high school was important for my future, that high school classes were important for whatever career I wanted to have. I'd also like to learn one day to forgive myself for not going to Katimavik when I got in. I'm not gonna lie, that's my biggest regret. Those nine months in three provinces with eight other people could have been amazing. The sad part is that I know I wouldn't have listened to anyone who told me this. I knew better, right?? Clearly, I was wrong.

I know it may not be as dramatic as some people hoped, but that's the best I've got. I'm pretty content and accepting of most things I've done in my life, and those I regret aren't things I really need to forgive myself for. Don't worry, I'm sure there'll be some in here that are heavy, dramatic, or emotional. Just wait until day 14!!

This update is much earlier than I'd planned. But I really have been in a writing mood. Maybe you'll be lucky and you'll get Day 4 early too!!

~Suz