So I decided to go back and continue answering the questions I'd set up in the blogging challenge that I started forever ago. I can't even remember what's on there, so it'll be like a surprise question for me and a fun answer for you! I'll also update the reading challenge, I think, to see if I can get some of those done.
Anyways, on with the challenge!
9. Discuss your first love and first kiss.
Wow, okay, this takes me waaay back. So my first kiss was when I was 12. It was after my first date, where I went to a movie with my date and a few friends. After the movie, while we were waiting to be picked up, he kissed me. It really wasn't all that great, because, you know, we were 12. It really wasn't anything crazy or super special, but I do still remember it.
As for my first love, well, I'd have to say that depends on what you mean by love. I was head over heels in what I believed to be love when I was about 14. He was a friend, and I always regretted that there was nothing more, even when he tried to initiate it. I was too shy and afraid that it would all go wrong, as most things seemed to go in my life. But even now, I still remember the warm, fuzzy feeling I got for him and remember spending time with him fondly.
My first actual love was when I was 19. I dated someone for four years, and I most definitely loved him. Obviously, that didn't last forever, but it's been a long time since it ended, so it's not something I've thought about in a while. Either way, I'm pretty sure that technically, this would be my first love. The one at 14 was like, puppy love or infatuation or something like that.
8. What is the hardest thing you have ever experiences?
I don't know that I could pick just one thing that has been the hardest. At the time they were happening, there are many things that I felt were incredibly hard and would never end or get better, but looking back, they weren't really all that bad.
I guess if I were to pick a one of these experiences, I'd have to say my parents' divorce was probably the hardest. Not just because they were splitting up, but because my dad was pretty manipulative with our feelings and picked favourites between my siblings and I to play us off each other, but also because my mom, in an effort to move on, jumped into a relationship with a man I absolutely hated.
Of course, there were other things involved in this terrible time in my life, and it led to me being an angry and depressed teen that tried to end it all, and honestly, I'm still an angry (although less so) and emotional adult. But thankfully the anger and resentment doesn't rule my life as much as it used to.
Recently, I'd have to say that my dog's death hit me hard. I loved him more than I love some of the people in my life, and I honestly thought he'd be around for years and years to come. I've been lucky most of my life, never having really lost anyone. The last funeral I remember was my grandpa, and I was 6 at the time. So death wasn't something that touched me, and this felt like it came out of nowhere. Even now, a year and a half later, I can remember what it was like to hug him and sometimes I stare at the places he used to sit and picture him there. I miss him so, so much.
Well, this one is kinda boring, since I have Windows 8, which means that nothing really needs to be on my desktop. I'll screenshot it anyways, though.
Okay, so as you can tell, I have two monitors, both of which are widescreen. My background pictures change every five minutes from a folder where I've put in pictures of places I think are super pretty (which are labelled at the top) and pictures that have quotes that I like.
As for what's on there, well, there's two quotes in the sticky notes that I've heard recently, which are "Write every day. Not every other day. Not tomorrow. Not after the party. But before. The more you write, the more comes out of you. If you don't give inspiration an opportunity, it will never arrive," which Ethan Hawke said (wwll, wrote) in an answer during a Reddit AMA, and "It's better to write for yourself and have no audience and have no public than write for the public and have no self," which was said by Cyril Connolly.
There aren't too many programs, just a few shortcuts: Photoshop, Calibre (to read ebooks), Handbrake (to convert movies to iTunes format), iTunes, the LotR game I haven't played yet, Mozilla Thunderbird (for some volunteer work I was doing), and a few random folders.
This seems like a boring post, so I'll add a few of my favourite pictures out of all the backgrounds. The two ink ones came as part of a theme I downloaded from Microsoft. The other pictures I find mostly of Reddit's The SFW Porn Network, mainly the EarthPorn and CityPorn subreddits, as well as Trey Ratcliff's work, which he shares on his site here. Then I add the location using Photoshop (I don't change anything else, I just got tired of having pics come up and wondering where it was) and add it to my Themes folder. I've added the sources as best I can, but I wasn't able to find them all. If anyone knows, please let me know so I can credit the photographer!!
Although I prefer face-to-face, I'd have to say that texts and chat (Facebook or Gmail) are probably the way I communicate the most. I'm not sure when texting became the thing to do, but somehow, it did. I have friends who I don't think I've EVER called, although I talk to them often.
I used to love being on the phone, at least with close friends and boyfriends. I loved talking for hours about everything and nothing. When I was younger, I'd even enjoy watching TV or playing a computer game while on the phone with someone, because it was almost like they were watching it or playing with you.
And then, somehow, that stopped. It became easier to text people instead of talking to them. Even with my last boyfriend, who I dated for three years, I only texted or talked over Gchat with. Seriously, I think I talked to him on the phone only a handful of times. In three years!!
Craziness.
But nothing beats going out for dinner or coffee and catching up, venting, or plotting your world takeover. I miss my epic coffee dates with Jess!! Maybe I should do more to keep in touch and not lose contact with people. And not just a message here and there that doesn't mean anything, but actual, meaningful contact.
I'll get on that. And if you read this, feel free to call me (or text/message me, whatevs). We'll do coffee, catch up!!
This one is fairly similar to the last blog challenge question, but I'll answer it anyways.
Well,
considering I spend most of my life stressed out and in a somewhat
freaking out mode, de-stressing doesn't come all that easy. There are a
few things I can do, however, that help me to calm down and just take a
breath.
1. The beach and swimming. Sadly, seeing as I
live in Toronto, there is no ocean beach or even really nice, clean,
swimable area nearby, so my favourite place is Sauble Beach. At about 2
1/2 - 3 hours away (depending on traffic and how you drive), it's a
beautiful place to go.
Panorama of Sauble Beach.
2. Organizing and decorating and
cleaning. Yes, I know it seems weird, but when I'm really stressed,
cleaning my space helps. It's like I'm metaphorically cleaning my head
as I throw out garbage and make space around me and place everything
where it should go in a neat and orderly fashion. Usually, this is
followed by me re-decorating or moving stuff around and putting new
stuff up.
3. Reading. Unfortunately, this has been
loosing its calming factor lately. I get agitated and distracted much
easier than I used to. Although I did just start a new book (well, new to me) called The Baghdad Blogger by Salam Pax, which is pretty freaking interesting. I've also started to read World War Z by Max Brooks, and I've got a copy of The Cuckoo's Calling by Roberth Galbraith (a.k.a. JK Rowling) waiting for me.
4. Driving. Preferably by
myself and for a fair distance, with music blasting and singing as loud
as I can possibly sing. Even better if this ends at a beach. I also like driving adventures with friends, where we just go, without thought to where. It leads to some pretty interesting places!!
5. Tobermory. I definitely de-stress there. It's my favourite place in the world, and I'd go there any time, for however long, with whoever wants to see it. Just hike to a nice spot and sit down and stare out at the lake. It's a good feeling, especially if you've worked hard to hike to that spot. And the water, regardless of how cold it is, is amazing. Clear blue, it looks like you could be in the Caribbean. Here's a few pics I took on the latest trip there for your viewing pleasure:
The view at Pebble Beach.
The view on the way to Cave Point, the highest point in the park.
Tom and Kacper enjoying the rocks (and waves) and Half Dump Log.
Kacper walking into the water at Half Dump Log.
That's
all I can really think of. Nothing lately has really been helping me
calm down, as money and work and life have become an incredible weight
on my shoulders. The week in Tobermory helped, but now it's back to applying for jobs and getting my life back on track.
4. What are five things that make you happy right now?
Huh. Well....I don't know. I guess this means five different things, so I can't just list five songs. 'Cause five songs would be easy. Listening to me sing might not make most of you too happy, but that's what earplugs are for!! I guess that means I can't just make a list of five people either??
I'm sure I can come up with something...hopefully.
1. Music. There are bunch of songs right now that make me super happy. If I was looking to cheer up, or I was in a good mood and wanted to sing along, I'd turn on almost anything from Ke$ha's latest CD, Warrior, or Fun.'s "Some Nights". Both make me happy. And if I was looking for older songs that always make me happy, I'd go for some nostalgia: maybe some BSB, some Spice Girls, maybe some Big Shiny Tunes song. Or maybe I'll put on some Rise Against and some Linkin Park and rock out. That makes me happy too.
2. Planing an event. I don't know why, but this makes me so freaking happy. I love planning everything about an event: invites, music, food, decor. I love coordinating everything and planning out all the logistical things most people consider a nightmare. I just finished two awesome events (a Confused Christmas dinner and Burlesque New Year's Eve) and pretty soon I'll be planning something for my bday. I have no idea as of yet what to do, but I'm sure I'll think of something epic!! And if anyone has any events they want help planning, or maybe you just want to have a party but don't want to plan, then let me know!! I'm totally up for planning anything!!
3. Driving. I've always loved to drive. Even before I had a car, I'd always be the one driving Kasia's car. Since I've gotten my car, I get a lot more alone driving time. Which I didn't like at first. But now, I love it!! I try to drive with the windows down, regardless of the temperature, and with the music as loud as I can get it.
4. Apple TV and Netflix. For Christmas, Matt was awesome and got me Apple TV, which we'd figured out (thanks to Robin) how to change so we'd be able to access American Netflix. I was iffy Apple TV at first, but once I saw the difference between Canadian Netflix (which sucks) and American Netflix (which is freaking awesome!!), I was sold!! I haven't been an avid TV watcher lately, since I only watch one show, but that's totally changing. Currently, I'm watching Supernatural, which is totally a me show (hot guys, ghosts and other supernatural things, scary and cheesy scenes), and Doctor Who, which is awesome and full of accents!! I've also been watching a lot of documentaries, mainly National Geographic ones, which are incredibly good. You'd be surprised at the different topics they have!! Right now I'm watching one all about zombies and where the idea comes form and if it really is possible to have a zombie apocalypse. It's super interesting!!
5. Reading. As always, reading is my main escape and makes me incredibly happy. The last two book series (serieses??) I read were The Mortal Instruments, by Cassandra Clare, which I loved to death, and the Divergent & Insurgent books by Veronica Roth, which are also really freaking awesome!! Both are being made into movies, although Mortal Instruments is coming out this year, while Divergent hasn't even been filmed yet. I'm super excited about Mortal Instruments, though, you have no idea. I plan to be there on opening night!! Writing usually makes me happy too, but in the last few weeks I've hit a block. I have ideas, but I just can't find the words to get the out. It's weird, but hopefully it'll get better soon.
And there you have it!! It actually made me feel better to list things that make me happy. I'm totally gonna watch more documentaries and try to write more. And I guess I should attempt to write more blog posts, too, while I'm at it??
3. What is your zodiac sign and does it fit our personality?
So I don't know too much about astrology. I've never been one to check my horoscope unless it's put in front of me. I have no idea what any of the signs are.
I know I'm aquarius, and I'm right at the end (I think Feb 19th is a different one), but to be honest, I don't know what that means. So I looked it up...and realized I don't care.
Aquarius has water as the symbol. I assume that means they like water. I like water - clear, warm, non-fish filled water. So I'm gonna say yes, that means it fits.
I know nothing else, and I don't really care to find out. All the sites will tell me something different, and it's all really a bunch of crap. But at least I answered the question, right??
Well, since my parents are divorced, I'll do this as two totally separate descriptions. Let's get the unhappy out of the way first: my dad.
I don't have a relationship with my dad. I think I've spoken to him once or twice in the last eight years or so, and I believe I've only seen him once. Do I miss him?? Sometimes. Do I wish it were different?? Not really. I used to, but not anymore. Does it hurt to know he doesn't care?? Yes. More than anyone can imagine. I do a good job of playing up the hate and the indifference, but it hurts. Every time I'm reminded, it hurts. There's a reason I can't watch movies where a dad apologizes for his mistakes to his children. I have to leave the room and cry my heart out.
He has a new family now. A new wife, new kids. We don't hear from him. The only time I hear anything about him is the few times we saw my aunt, who tried everytime to tell us we should forgive and move on and love him, like he wasn't a piece of shit douchebag that deserved our ire.
He was never there, he didn't help out, he didn't do anything but use us against each other, leave us with no thought when it suited him, and cry to us so we'd hate our mom. He made promises he never kept, plans he never followed through on, and promised a love that he never, ever showed.
There's a song I feel really describes how I feel. It's called "Emotionless" and it's by Good Charlotte. I've put it on my blog before, but I'll add it here again in case you want to hear it again. It's a good song. I think I'm angrier than the singer, but other than that, it's pretty close to how I feel.
As you can tell, I harbour a lot of bitterness and resentment still. I can't see that changing anytime soon. I have nothing agains his new kids, whom I consider my brothers. But when I go to El Salvador, I will not make plans to see him. And if he's there?? Well, let's just say he won't like it if he comes to talk to me.
On to the happier parental story: my mom.
My mom and I in 2010.
I love my mom. I don't feel there is anyone in my life that's a better role model than her. She gave up everything for us, and when shit got hard, she stuck it out for us. When my parents got divorced, she could have gone home to her family and her friends and forced us to grow up in El Salvador. But she didn't. Instead, she stuck it out alone, in a foreign country, with no family and no friends, without knowing the language, just so we could have a brighter future.
My mom looking hot on
her birthday, 2011.
She played mom and dad. She played boss and dictator. She played the bad cop. She played the good cop. And now she plays the best friend. Never did I not have a warm jacket or shoes. Never did I not have notebooks or pencils or a backpack. Never did I miss a school trip or a birthday or an event. Never did I not have something, small or not, to fill my tummy. Never did I have a Christmas where I didn't rip open presents and love them all. We were all taken care of and spoiled to the furthest extent she could spoil us. She bailed us out of jams, she helped us out, she listened, she gave advice, she was there. Now don't get me wrong, she's made her mistakes. She's said the wrong thing or brought the wrong people around or made the wrong choice. But you know what?? She's human. She's allowed mistakes. But in the end, she never left our side, and she never hesitated to drop everything and everyone for us.
My mom in the British Virgin Islands, Dec 2011.
I love that now that I'm older, I can go for dinner with her, or to a bar and get a drink and some nachos. I love that my friends love her. I'm glad I can talk to her. I like that we can go shopping or for dinner or just hang out and talk.
And I like her boyfriend, Aidan. He's a good guy and he makes her happy. He's gotten her to try a lot of new things, like sailing and scuba diving and pretty sure I'm sure she'll be skydiving soon. And she's finally taking vacations and going new places!! And she's made some awesome new friends and goes out every weekend and has fun.
She's happy now and finally living life, and I wish her the best and I hope she enjoys it. Stop thinking about anyone but yourself and have fun - you deserve it!!
So there you go, that's what the opposite ends of the parental spectrum looks like.
But at least I had one awesome parent, right?? I still think I'm lucky. My mom's more than enough, and I'll never be anything but glad that she's here and she love us. We love her more than anyone else. Hopefully she'll be around for a long while yet!! And in the meantime, we'll keep wishing her a happy mother's day and a happy father's day!!
Well, shit. That's quite a lot of random facts. Okay, so let's see what I can come up with.
1. Horror movies can terrify the shit out of me. I love them, even the shitty ones, and am always up for watching them. But there are some movies that will have one moment, or one event, or one shot that scares me enough to not want to turn off my lights at night.
2. I've always felt really weird yelling during sporting events, even when I want nothing more than to yell at the players. I feel like everyone is watching and judging me.
Park in Toronto (left); islands in Georgian Bay (right).
3. I've always wanted to be a Photoshop genius, so I love to play around with it and find tutorials. I'm not terrible, but I definitely wouldn't hire me!!
4. I love music, but the creative process for it (writing lyrics, singing, instruments, etc) are my enemy. No matter what I do or try, I suck at anything besides listening to music. You should hear me sing. I'm pretty sure it's considered cruel and unusual punishment.
5. Painting and photography make me happy. Super happy.
6. I'm a super picky eater. I don't like peppers (of any colour), steak, mushrooms, most seafood (fishy tasting fish, mussels, calamari, clams, oysters, etc.), pickles, carrots, and celery. I can't take hot sauce. I won't even try offal (except chicken heart. Yummy!!). I dislike brussels sprouts and nutmeg.
7. I love making lists. I never follow them, and I often lose them, but I love making them.
8. Camping is one of my favourite things to do in the summer. Bruce Peninsula National Park is my favourite place, and I try to go at least once a summer (it books up pretty fast!!).
9. I've recently become addicted to the Food Network. I will watch anything with Bobby Flay or Michael Symon in it, which explains my new love of Iron Chef America. They make me happy, and I wish I could get cooking lessons from one of them. Or just hang out with them. I do also enjoy Diners, Dive-ins, and Dives.
10. I still consider El Salvador home, even though I've lived in Canada for 21 of the 28 years of my life.
11. I love traveling, and would prefer a backpacking or touristy vacation over a relaxing beach one any day, although I do love the beach more than anything and would try to fit at least one day in.
Original blog as it looked like when I left LJ in 2007.
12. I start new blogs all the time, most of which I get bored of fairly quickly. Brain Mush is the only that I always update (even if it's super sporadically). I've been updating it, first on Livejournal, then here on Blogger, since 2003.
13. One show I could watch forever is Buffythe Vampire Slayer. I can watch it non-stop, all day, everyday. And I can watch the musical episode, "Once More With Feeling," over and over and over again.
14. I love birthdays. Although I do, every so often, get the urge to have a small, intimate, relaxed birthday, I fully believe that birthdays should be celebrated all weekend and as loud and crazily as possible. I'm sure the low-key birthdays will happen more often as I get older, but next year will definitely be an awesome party!!
15. I live my life with music non-stop. I have music playing while I read, while I cook, while I'm in my room, when I shower, while I sleep, while I commute, on road trips, at work (if allowed), and just about any other time I can have music on.
16. I know almost all of the words to Empire Records. I say almost because the DVD version is not the same as the VHS version. I don't know who thought it was a good idea to change it, but they did. Also, I just watched the trailer I added in this post, and I think I'm gonna go watch the movie now.
17. I love live shows. Everything from concerts to plays to musicals. I love them and would watch them all the time if I could afford it. We Will Rock You was awesome, and I'm sad I missed Rock Of Ages. I do still hope to one day watch Phantom of the Opera live. I would love to see Wicked, or maybe a Shakespeare play. I also love shows like Riverdance, and would absolutely love to see Cirque du Soleil.
18. I have recently (as in the last two weeks) discovered One Tree Hill. I never watched it before, and now that I've seen a few episode, I want to watch all nine seasons. Only problem?? I want to beat the fuck out of Brooke. She's kind of annoying, but more than that, I hate her voice. And her facial expressions. And her attempts to act her heart out. She's lucky people like her in a tiny cheerleader outfit.
19. I'd rather wear skirts and dresses than jeans. I love track pants and yoga pants, but I feel weird wearing them when I go out for anything more than a quick errand. And I love heels and cork platform sandals more than anything, but I'm not used to wearing them anymore, and I don't want to deal with the pain of getting used to them, so I don't. So I wear flip-flops and Roxys instead.
20. Much Ado About Nothing is my favourite Shakespeare play. It's followed by Hamlet.
