8. What is the hardest thing you have ever experiences?
I don't know that I could pick just one thing that has been the hardest. At the time they were happening, there are many things that I felt were incredibly hard and would never end or get better, but looking back, they weren't really all that bad.
I guess if I were to pick a one of these experiences, I'd have to say my parents' divorce was probably the hardest. Not just because they were splitting up, but because my dad was pretty manipulative with our feelings and picked favourites between my siblings and I to play us off each other, but also because my mom, in an effort to move on, jumped into a relationship with a man I absolutely hated.
Of course, there were other things involved in this terrible time in my life, and it led to me being an angry and depressed teen that tried to end it all, and honestly, I'm still an angry (although less so) and emotional adult. But thankfully the anger and resentment doesn't rule my life as much as it used to.
Recently, I'd have to say that my dog's death hit me hard. I loved him more than I love some of the people in my life, and I honestly thought he'd be around for years and years to come. I've been lucky most of my life, never having really lost anyone. The last funeral I remember was my grandpa, and I was 6 at the time. So death wasn't something that touched me, and this felt like it came out of nowhere. Even now, a year and a half later, I can remember what it was like to hug him and sometimes I stare at the places he used to sit and picture him there. I miss him so, so much.
Well, since my parents are divorced, I'll do this as two totally separate descriptions. Let's get the unhappy out of the way first: my dad.
I don't have a relationship with my dad. I think I've spoken to him once or twice in the last eight years or so, and I believe I've only seen him once. Do I miss him?? Sometimes. Do I wish it were different?? Not really. I used to, but not anymore. Does it hurt to know he doesn't care?? Yes. More than anyone can imagine. I do a good job of playing up the hate and the indifference, but it hurts. Every time I'm reminded, it hurts. There's a reason I can't watch movies where a dad apologizes for his mistakes to his children. I have to leave the room and cry my heart out.
He has a new family now. A new wife, new kids. We don't hear from him. The only time I hear anything about him is the few times we saw my aunt, who tried everytime to tell us we should forgive and move on and love him, like he wasn't a piece of shit douchebag that deserved our ire.
He was never there, he didn't help out, he didn't do anything but use us against each other, leave us with no thought when it suited him, and cry to us so we'd hate our mom. He made promises he never kept, plans he never followed through on, and promised a love that he never, ever showed.
There's a song I feel really describes how I feel. It's called "Emotionless" and it's by Good Charlotte. I've put it on my blog before, but I'll add it here again in case you want to hear it again. It's a good song. I think I'm angrier than the singer, but other than that, it's pretty close to how I feel.
As you can tell, I harbour a lot of bitterness and resentment still. I can't see that changing anytime soon. I have nothing agains his new kids, whom I consider my brothers. But when I go to El Salvador, I will not make plans to see him. And if he's there?? Well, let's just say he won't like it if he comes to talk to me.
On to the happier parental story: my mom.
My mom and I in 2010.
I love my mom. I don't feel there is anyone in my life that's a better role model than her. She gave up everything for us, and when shit got hard, she stuck it out for us. When my parents got divorced, she could have gone home to her family and her friends and forced us to grow up in El Salvador. But she didn't. Instead, she stuck it out alone, in a foreign country, with no family and no friends, without knowing the language, just so we could have a brighter future.
My mom looking hot on
her birthday, 2011.
She played mom and dad. She played boss and dictator. She played the bad cop. She played the good cop. And now she plays the best friend. Never did I not have a warm jacket or shoes. Never did I not have notebooks or pencils or a backpack. Never did I miss a school trip or a birthday or an event. Never did I not have something, small or not, to fill my tummy. Never did I have a Christmas where I didn't rip open presents and love them all. We were all taken care of and spoiled to the furthest extent she could spoil us. She bailed us out of jams, she helped us out, she listened, she gave advice, she was there. Now don't get me wrong, she's made her mistakes. She's said the wrong thing or brought the wrong people around or made the wrong choice. But you know what?? She's human. She's allowed mistakes. But in the end, she never left our side, and she never hesitated to drop everything and everyone for us.
My mom in the British Virgin Islands, Dec 2011.
I love that now that I'm older, I can go for dinner with her, or to a bar and get a drink and some nachos. I love that my friends love her. I'm glad I can talk to her. I like that we can go shopping or for dinner or just hang out and talk.
And I like her boyfriend, Aidan. He's a good guy and he makes her happy. He's gotten her to try a lot of new things, like sailing and scuba diving and pretty sure I'm sure she'll be skydiving soon. And she's finally taking vacations and going new places!! And she's made some awesome new friends and goes out every weekend and has fun.
She's happy now and finally living life, and I wish her the best and I hope she enjoys it. Stop thinking about anyone but yourself and have fun - you deserve it!!
So there you go, that's what the opposite ends of the parental spectrum looks like.
But at least I had one awesome parent, right?? I still think I'm lucky. My mom's more than enough, and I'll never be anything but glad that she's here and she love us. We love her more than anyone else. Hopefully she'll be around for a long while yet!! And in the meantime, we'll keep wishing her a happy mother's day and a happy father's day!!
I have the flu. It sucks. It made Christmas sucky, and now I had to reschedule the Christmas dinner since I'm clearly too sick to have ppl over.
This shit better be gone by New Year's Eve. Otherwise, my choices are to party while sick, or stay home alone sick. Both suck.
Christmas was not the best. So we went to my aunt's for Christmas. You know, I love her, and I love her family, but I feel like she judges who we are and how we are and like she's decided we've gone wrong somewhere. But at the same time, she doesn't want to hear anything bad about her brother, so there's no point in explaining to her what we feel is wrong. So I guess she thinks it's all my mom's fault too.
She seems to think that the opinions we have of my dad are opinions that my mom put on us. I mean, really?? What are we, six years old and unable to form our own?? My dad left. He didn't give a shit, and when he pretended to, he did a shitty fucking job. How are we supposed to see him as anything besides the fuck up who walked away?? It's become a joke in our house, to say "you got that from your dad" or "well, you're definitely a Silva". Saying we're like him is an insult to us, and really, that's his fault. What kind of person makes their kids feel as though he doesn't love them or want them?? I know Gaby feels that way. It's her own opinion; my mom never told her how to feel.
In fact, my mom was more than nice towards him. She never insulted him in front of us, she never said bad things about him, she never tried to turn us against him - all of which he did to her. She never said no when we wanted to see him, or tried to stop us when we wanted to live with him. She let him have his million chances with his kids, and he fucked them all up. So please, stop looking at us like we're asshole for thinking of him as a joke. That is all he is to us. A fucking joke.
As for how we are, well, stop judging it. Maybe we're not as obedient as your kids, but we love and respect each other. Just because we call each other names and make fun of each other doesn't mean anything. If my mom were to tell me tomorrow that I can't do something, I'd laugh. I mean, really, I'm 26. The time to parent me has come and gone. But as someone I respect and whose friendship I value, I would take her advice into careful consideration. Her opinion is incredibly important to me, and at the same time, we can hang out and talk and laugh and gossip. I really feel like our relationship is incredible.
And for Jose?? Well, he's special. But we've accepted him. It's time you do too. If you can't accept who we are and how we feel about life (and about your brother), then maybe we shouldn't really be spending holidays together, regardless of how much we love you.
