Yeah, I really can't think of a title.

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you
Everytime I do I feel good
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I keep on wasting all my time
------------

So I lived through Christmas. Yay for me :D

Christmas Eve I worked during the day. Pretty crazy work day, and I so didn't finish berfore I left. So thursday morning is gonna suck. But yeah, so I got home at around 1 pm, went to Price Choppers for some stuff. Helped make dinner, ate around 6:30ish. It was good.

Then we opened presents. I got the Spice Girls cd/dvd set, a ticket to Three Days Grace, $100 cash, a $140 gift card to Old Navy, the first three Die Hard movies, two sets of earrings, the Live Luxe perfume set, and a fantastic hair straighterner.

And then 8 pm came around, and the boxing day specials started on Best Buy. So I bought Angel (seasons 1-3), Buffy (Seasons 1-3), the 4th Die Hard movie, and a 4 GB memory card for my camera. And my mom bought the reciever for the surround sound we have, so now we can hook up the cable box to it. I'm excited about that.

Then there was today. I was really worried, because it would be the first Christmas Day in five years that I don't spend at Anthony's house. But it wasn't too bad. I woke up at about 10 am, and Jack got here at about noon. Then we watched Battlestar Galactica. Pretty good show, actually. So I stole his season one. Hopefully I can watch it, but I don't know. He wants it back before he goes back to Lindsay, but I still have work, and then Rose will be here, and then there's the Christmas dinner and then New Years, and so on. So hopefully I'll finish.

Anyways, and then Ela came over, and we watched a few movies. And then we watched the last episode of the O.C., which was awesome.

And then tomorrow we're going shopping. Ela will be here at 6 am, and the earlier we leave, the better. I'm looking forward to shopping :D

So on saturday is the Xmas dinner at Kasia's. Definitely looking forward to that. And then there's new years. And in the end, I've decided if people don't want to come, I don't give a shit. I'm going, and so is Ela, and Rose, and Kasia, and Tom, and Jessica. And we're gonna have a kick ass time. And Nida and Tatjana may come, because Tatjana really wants to come. And I know Tamara wants to come, so maybe her and Sal will. And Jarx, the one who talked me into going, can go screw himself if he doesn't come. I won't be speaking to him if he doesn't. And Jack, well, go wherever you want. We'll have fun regardless. And so we're going to Body English, so hopefully that's fun. And then we're going back to Kasia's, so that should be good too. And I told her if me and Rose find boys, we're bringing them back to her place. Hahahaha, that's be funny.

And then not to long after that is my Girls' Night. There's gonna be at least like 8 or 9 of us, so it should be good.

And then my bday. Any ideas???? Montreal is the best plan so far, and I've got a few ppl interested. So we might just do that.

And Patrick got a new puppy!!! It's so cute, I want it. And Kasia got Spice Girls tickets, so I getto go :D yay!! It just sucks that I have to pay her mom back for half of it. If I didn't want to see them so bad, I'd say no. I mean, I always take Ela when I get tickets, and never have I made her pay for them. And Bon Jovi and Mama Mia were not cheap tickets. But whatever, I get to see them. So I'll pay.

So yeah, anyways, it's bedtime now. I have to get up super early tomorrow to go shopping.

Nighty night.
Susana.

I hate everything about you....why do I love you??

Me está gritando
ya sé que no se entera,
el corazón escucha tu cabeza, pero ¿a dónde vas?
¿Me estás escuchando?
qué hay de tu orgullo que habíamos quedado

La noche empieza
y con ella mi camino
te busco a solas
con mi mejor vestido
pero ¿A dónde estás?
¿Qué es lo que ha pasado?
¿Qué es lo que queda después de tantos años?

Miro esos ojos que un día me miraron
busco tu boca, tus manos, tus abrazos,
pero tú no sientes nada y te disfrazas de cordialidad

Ni una sola palabra, ni gestos, ni miradas apasionadas,
ni rastro de los besos que antes me dabas,
Hasta al amanecer
Ni una de las sonrisas por las que cada noche y todos los días
sollozan estos ojos en los que ahora te ves

Como un juguete que choca contra un muro
salgo a encontrarte y me pierdo en cuanto busco
una oportunidad, un milagro, un hechizo
volverme guapa y tu guapo conmigo

Frente a los ojos que un día me miraron
Pongo mi espalda y algunos cuántos pasos
Y me apunto otra derrota mientras mi boca
Dice nunca más...

Ni una sola palabra, ni gestos, ni miradas apasionadas,
ni rastro de los besos que antes me dabas,
Hasta al amanecer
Ni una de las sonrisas por las que cada noche y todos los días
sollozan estos ojos en los que ahora te ves

No puede ser, no soy yo,
me pesa tanto el corazón,
por no ser de hielo cuando el cielo me pide paciencia

Ni una sola palabra ni gestos ni miradas apasionadas
ni rastro de los besos que antes me dabas
Hasta al amanecer
Ni una de las sonrisas por las que cada noche y todos los días
Sollozan estos ojos en los que ahora te ves
---------------------------

So yeah, that song is my new obsession. I listen to it like 18 times a day. Non-stop. Over and over. I know, I'm special.

So yeah, it's been like two weeks since I wrote. So I guess to catch up now.

I got pretty bad after the whole thing where Anthony made a big deal out of the xmas dinner. I even almost felt bad and gave in. But in the end, he's not coming. I saw him last friday, Krystal invited me to the Fox, so I went with them. It went okay, I just pretended he wasn't there.

Then we went to Jack's place in Lindsay. Which was pretty good. The place we went to eat was good, and the club was so much better than the Fox. Music was good, there was more people, and the drinks didn't seem to be too expensive. And then we went home, and me and Jack had a really good talk, though sadly I was too tired to really participate. We should do it again!!

This weekend, we had our work Christmas party. It was pretty good. Food wasn't bad, there were enough people there. But the weather was super shitty, so some people didn't come, and most people left as soon as all nthe gifts were done being handed out. I didn't stay too long after that, since most people were leaving anyways. So Ela and Jack came to pick me up, and we went to Body English for Kasia's bday. The club sucked. It was pretty empty, and I didn't hear one song I liked. And I'm not sure if there were more ppl or not at Kasia's dinner part, but it seemed to be the same ppl as always at the club.

And yeah, so me and Ela decided on the way home that we weren't gonna go there for New Year's. But we didn't know what to do. We don't want to go to a club downtown, and we don't want to go to the ones in Mississauga. And we couldn't all just stay home separately, that would have been boring and mean to Rose. So I mentioned it to my mom, and she came up with the great idea that I should use the furnished apt in the building and just have ppl over. So that's what we're doing now. A relaxed new year's. It's not that we can't drink or play music or anything like that, but we don't have to dress up or go out or wait an hour at the bar. And it's too bad Kasia doesn't want to have a party at her place, because I managed to invite 18 ppl, and that's only because I really can't invite more to a 2-bedroom apt. If I'd had a house, I would have invited like 30, and then there's Kasia's other friends on top of that......

Anyways, so work is good. I still like what I do, even thought it's hectic. And now I have more fun, 'cause Nardeo's gotten better now that he really knows me and Nick's back to help him. And I'm making good enough money, so that I can still pay my cell phone and the digital cable, and still go out and still do Christms shopping....yeah, I like it.

So I still have more ppl to buy for. I found a great gift for my secret santa, and its exactly $40!! So I'm just gonna give what I'd bought already to someone else. But I still have to buy something for Jose, and for my mom, and for Kasia, and for Ela, and for Robin..... I'm really only done Patrick, Gaby, and Nelson. I know what I'm getting Ela, but I have no idea what to get everyone else. Yeah, it sucks. Malls are gonna be so crowded when I go, since I'll prolly go on saturday. Though I'm gonna need Ela to love me and drive me to Future Shop and Ikea, since I can't carry what I want to buy.

So yeah, I'm also planning a girl's night. It's for Jan 12th, which I know is the Sat of the weekend Anthony will do something for his bday, but oh, well. I know Krystal, Tamara, and prolly Robin will end up going with him if he does something, and that's fine. But I can't see it mattering if Ela, Kasia, and Jessica don't go to his. So with them three, plus Nicole and her cousin Shannon, and maybe Tatjana and Nida, and maybe Deanna, we can have a pretty good girls' night. Once again, we're using the furnished unit. I love that place.

And yeah, so I'm trying to plan something to keep busy on the 25th. This is the first time in four years that I won't have a dinner to go to. So we're gonna be at home, watching movies and all that. I know Ela will come, and maybe Jack too. I just really hope I'll be okay. I mean, I can't guarantee anything. Christmas is a lot harder than I thought. I just don't want to hear about the new girl being at his place, or even worse, at his family thing on Boxing day. I love his family, and man, am I gonna miss them.

But I'll be okay. Eventually. At least, I really hope so. I don't know how much time it'll take, but I know eventually, I'll be good. I know I'm doing pretty good for myself, with the job, and the car I'm getting on wed, and the travelling....but man, I miss those arms. But it's okay. I'll find someone for me, when I'm ready.

On a happy note, I will be getting my gym membership on the 28th. That's right. I'm gonna be going to the gym. My plan is to go three times a week after work. And I'm gonna ask Nikki for the L.A. Weight Loss diet that she was gonna give me, and I'm gonna do everything I can to follow it. By next summer, I plan to have lost at least 40 lbs., at least. So yeah, that's gonna take some work on my part.

Anyways, this is getting much too long now. Time for me to go.
Bye bye
Susana

They say, "Time heals everything." But I'm still waiting.

So the last few days I've been feeling like a horrible, evil bitch. About what I said to Kasia, even though she's okay with it.

Okay, so here's what happened. On thursday night, Anthony msged (or called, not sure) Robin, and asked what was going ok with the Xmas dinner, and if he was invited. So Robin told him that she has nothing to do with the planning, it's all me and Kasia. So that he'd have to ask me. Then she told him that I had a new number. So he asked her for it, and she said she's ask me if that was okay, because she doesn't want me to call her and yell at her after he's called me to yell at me. So Robin calls me, and tells me what happened. And I tell her that no, Anthony can't have my new number. I know he'll get it eventually, but I don't need him to get it so he can call me to yell at me about stupidness. And then I tell her that for the xmas dinner, as far as I'm concerned, he's not invited. But I told her to tell him to check with Kasia, because I'm not about to call him and talk to him.

So then I get a msg on msn from Kasia, telling me that both her and Tom got msges from Anthony asking if he was invited to the xmas party. She said that she can't ignore it and not answer. So she asked me what she should say. And normally, this is where I say, "well, it's up to you, it's your house, I'll still go" and so on. But then I decided I didn't want to bother lying, and it's my event too, so I told her, "Sorry to sound like a bitch, but if he goes, I don't." Now, I haven't said that at all yet. I've maintained that if he's there, I can deal, as long as I have advanced notice. But that's at other people's event, not my own. Me and Kasia aren't friends with him, and it's our thing that we're planning and organizing, so why would we invite him?? Why??

Like, if it was New Year's, and we're at Gavin's place, of course I have to deal with it if he's there. It's not my place, and not my event. But this is something that's mine and Kasia's, and I don't want him there. It's too small, to intimate. I mean, I know there's like 15 people coming, but still. I dont' want to have to be feeling uncomfortable and avoiding people and all that. I want to be able to go and enjoy the even that I plan. And cook for, because I always end up making my food, Kasia's, and sometimes even Tom's too. Thankfully, I don't have to make Anthony's too this year. So me and Ela make all that food, we make like 5 plates. And we get it ready, and it's Kasia's place. And all three of us are okay with him not there, so too bad.

So yeah, I kinda feel bad for leaving him out, but I'm feeling worse about telling Kasia staright out me or him. Now, I know that she was fine with it, and her immidiate answer was that she'd let him know, and for me not to worry about it. Which is great of her, but I still feel bad. I mentioned it to Ela, and she told me to stop being dumb about it, I had every right to say it. And then she went on to tell me that if it did come down to choosing between me and him, they know who they'd choose. But now I feel like I've put them in a situation where they may have to choose.

I don't know. I know I shouldn't worry about it, because they didn't see it that way, but I still worry. Kasia even told me that she'd tell him that she was the reason he wasn't invited, not me. Which is believable, because they've never liked each other, but that seems unfair to her. Sher even told me that she'd deal with ppl like Sal or Matt who might be asses about it, but that also seems unfair. It's great of her, and really, it makes me realy appreciate her more, but still, I can't do that to her.

I just really hope that no one causes any problems at the dinner itself. And that if anyone has something to say about it, they tell me, they don't just go off on her. Plus, if I don't go to the dinner for some reason, they're at least 5 ppl who won't go either. So that would suck.

Anyways, so friday me, Robin, and my mom went to Buffalo. We stayed the night and came back sat. Wow, we bought tons of stuff. Tons. I mean, we even though we hid half the shit in our bags, we still had to pay the taxes on the rest. Yeah, we're awesome. It was a good time, though. We dropped off our bags and went to Honey's to eat. Pizza was awesome. Then we decided to go to Wal-Mart, which was two towns over. So we get there, and it closes in 45 minutes, at 11. So when we're leaving, as it's closing, we ask where the nearest 24-hr wal-mart is. They guy says it's like a five minute drive. So like an hour and three towns over later, we're there. We were there until 2 am. And then we get back to the hotel room, and I look up where Hot Topic and Bath and Body is. So it tells me they're in a mall that opens at 7 am. Yes, 7 am. So we decide we're going there. So after like no sleep, we get to the mall at 7:30. Shop like crazy, and then go eat breakfast. Perkins is good, yummy breakfast. So then we go to the outlets. We shopped so much, that even Robin got tired of shopping!!! And then we went to Target for a little bit, and then home. The line at the border was surprising, 'cause there really wasn't one. We went right through.

So yeah, I'm happy about what I got. I bought some stuff for me (two sweaters, pj pants, a book, shampoo...), but mainly it was for other ppl. I finished xmas stuff for Gaby, Nelson, and Patrick. And I have my mom's bday present, and half of Gaby's. And half of my secret santa's. So if I buy something, that's normally $40, but it's buy one get one free, and I buy one for Nelson and one for my secret santa, do I count that as only $20, since that all I really paid for it?? Or do I say $30, because it's half of what I paid in total?? I mean, technically, it's $20, but am I working on technicalities??

I'm special, I know.

And so I looked for the new Spice Girls CD everywhere in the states, and it doesn't exist!!! But I saw it here, I had it in my hand!! And thankfully, I wasn't by myself, so it's not like I'm crazy. Gaby saw it too. So yeah, my mom went to Cloverdale today, and I asked her to get it for me. I hope they still have it.

Anyways, off to cook breakfast. I completely overslept. With the no sleep on friday night, and Ela didn't leave yesterday until almost 4 am.....yeah, overslept. So breakfast for me, then some laundry. Then a shower....Yeah, I like that plan.

Anyways, later.
Susana

Now things are coming clear and I don't need you here, and in this world around me, I'm glad you disappeared....

A few questions that I need to know
How you could ever hurt me so
I need to know what I've done wrong
And how long it's been going on
Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane
But I'll know never to make the same mistake again
You can tell me to my face
Or even on the phone
You can write it in a letter,
Either way, I have to know
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way, I'm going out of my mind
All the answers to my questions
I have to find
----------------------
Yeah, I know. The journal title and the song part I picked contradict each other. And it doesn't make sense to feel both at once.....Welcome to my world. It sucks feeling both.

So I don't know what I want to do with my life. I do want to finish school and all that, but I have no idea what I want to do. I'm thinking marketing now. It's kinda like advertising, in a weird way, but it doesn't involve the kind of creative thinking process that advertising does. I found a part time certificate for it at U of T, so I'm thinking of doing that. Only problem is that I want to go to school with lots of new ppl, and maybe go live somewhere else, meet new ppl. Maybe I'm just a little jealous. Both Kasia and Jack got to meet new people this year in school. I mean, I met tons of people in Montreal, but I think I want to meet people I can hang out with often. I don't really see any of the Montreal girls here, and the ones I really liked hanging out with live way too far away.

But I can't do it all. The car, the travel, full-time school. Which is why I'm willing to do part-time school, so I can still have the car and do the travelling. Hopefully it works out for me. I don't know, maybe I'll get the certificate, and then do the option to switch it to a degree and keep going from there. We'll have to see how that goes.

And yeah, I've been looking into Mardi Gras. It's gonna cost about $1200. About $550 for the flight, $300 for the room, and the rest for food and drinking. And that's if the room is split by 4 ppl. It seems like more than most people will want to spend. But I mean, we did almost the same for Vegas, and that was only 3 days. And this hotel would put us on Bourbon St fot the Mardi Gras parade. Right in the middle of the party. I don't know, I'll have to look more into it, see if people are interested. Hopefully it's doable, I'd really like to. I've always wanted to go. I mean, if I don't get to this year, maybe I'll start planning for next year.

And so Drew and Becky had their baby. A girl. I don't know more than that. Don't know the weight, the time, the name....nothing!! I hope everything went well and that both Becky and the baby are doing great.

I am jealous, though. I want one. I just didn't realize how much I wanted one until someone else has one. So sad, it's years away for me. I feel like I'm still a kid, and then I realize I'm 23 and an adult. So why the hell aren't I living the life of an adult?? Maybe I am, and I just don't see it.

I don't know. Lately I've been really down and thinking too much crap. Like about babies. And Anthony. Stupid fucker. I can't get him out of my head. Nicole says it's normal, but then why do I feel like I've gone backwards in time to when we first broke up?? I need to stop this. Nicole also said it's because I need a boy to help me move on, and I think that's true. Is that pathetic?? Because it seems, to me, like it should be. It's horrible. Why do I need a boy?? But I know she's right, and I miss having a boy. See, I think it's only this hard because he has someone else. Seriously. Because I don't feel he ever felt bad or missed me. So it's hard. Maybe if I had a new boy, it'd be like the movies. Where he sees me happy with someone else, and then he wants me back, but I'm happy with the new boy, and then I get to tell him to get lost and he gets to be hurt and heartbroken. Yeah, I like that scenario. Now if only I could make it happen....

But yeah, so where am I supposed to meet someone?? I have no idea.

Anyways, bedtime for me.
Nighty night
Susana

Everybody, put up your hands, say, "I don't want to be in love! I don't want to be in love!"

It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it.
Well can you feel it?
----

So yeah, so far, everyone's coming to the Christmas dinner. Me, Kasia, Tom, Krystal, Jarx, Ela, Jack, Sal, Tamara, Drew, Becky, Gavin, Robin, and Rose. Only Matt is a maybe. And he's the only one who hasn't answered me about Secret Santa. So I figure I'll draw names tomorrow and just leave him out. If he decides to come, he'll still be welcome, but he won't have a present. Oh, well. Too bad, so sad.

Anyways.....so Robin said that she talked to Gavin's parents and she said that there is a chance that something could be happening there for New Years. That makes me happy. I mean, if Rose and Ela still want to go to the club, we could always go, stay until about 1 am, and then head to Gavin's. I'll figure something out. But I like the house party idea. Really, I'm not too big on the club for new years idea.

So I've been reading non-stop lately, and watching my DVDs. Mainly ones my mom and Gaby will agree to. But I think this weekend I will watch some Rome. I know Jack wants it back (and no, you can't have them yet), so I really should get a move on those. Maybe I should just buy them, that way I can take my time. Haha, it would give me something new to eBay. I love eBay.

But yeah, so the reading and the Criminal Minds/Heroes helps. Especially reading. I'm in another world when I read. I can't hear things around me, I can't see people around me. Honestly, you could come in the room and take stuff, then walk back out, and I wouldn't notice. I'm awesome when I read. See, I don't see the words. It's like watching a movie. If it's a good book, I don't see any of the words on the page, I just see the story playing out in my head. I love it. Watching the tv shows are a little more mindless, just staring at the screen, but it's distracting nonetheless.

But yeah, anyways. Work is crazy. Stupid salesmen keep bringing in the contracts at the last minute, so I'm always running around looking for files. It's getting kinda annoying. I keep getting shit from Nick for it, but really, there's nothing I can do about it. If they would enforce their own rules, it would work much better.

Anyways, I'm going to bed now. Maybe I'll ramble on some more tomorrow. And don't worry, it'll also start with part of a song, and the title will be a line from a different song. Why?? Because it makes me feel better to write out a song that kinda shows how I feel. And the title is really because I'm just not creative at all, and it's easier to describe msyelf with something from music. It sucks that I wasn't born with more musical talent.

Haha, bet you can't guess the songs!!

Anyways, nighty night.
Susana

Things are good, except for that stupid boy problem I still have...

"I Still" by BSB

Who are you now?
Are you still the same or did you change somehow?
What do you do at this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?

No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go

I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

Now look at me
Instead of moving on I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
Yeah, I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last

I try to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know

That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

I wish I could find you
Just like you found me
Then I would never let you go

Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
-------

So I still think about him way, way too much. He doesn't think about me, so isn't it about time I stopped?? But how do I stop??

AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

God, I miss having someone to hold me. And to talk to. And to kiss. And to make everything better..... It's okay. One day he'll be out of my head. And when I can stop wondering what went wrong and wondering why he's with someone and I'm not, then, and only then, can I try to be friends with him. But until that day, I fucking hate him. And if I don't have to see him, I won't. And if I don't have to invite him, I won't. But one day, it'll change. I know it.
-------

So yeah, on a happy note, I got tickets to see Three Days Grace. Yay!!! That makes me uber happy. Hopefully, it won't be as violent as the one in Ohio.

Also, I'm booking my G2 test soon. I'm aiming for the next two weeks. And I'm aiming to have the car by Christmas.

And I got a new phone!!! Man, it's freaking awesome!! It's the LG Shine. So pretty. It's one of those that slides up to use, instead of flipping open. And it has Rogers on Demand, and music videos, and MSN, and it's an MP3 player.....it's awesome. I love it. And the plan I got is fantastic too. I can basically use it all I want without worrying about going over my minutes. I love it!! Now all I have to worry about is this internet usage. I seem to be on it a lot....

And yeah, so Jarx said he's in for New York. You know what that means?? I won't be going by myself!! All I needed was one person to come with me. I'm so looking forward to it. Statue of Liberty, Empire State building....it'll kick ass!! I'm glad he's my travel buddy. I just hope Krystal doesn't think anything of it. I mean, lots of people told me I shouldn't go with someone else's bf, and I think a few ppl told her that she shouldn't have been okay with it. But me and Jarx would never happen, we'd end up killing each other. Not to mention he has cooties. Anyways, it'll kick ass, and we'll have a great time!!

And I've made the Christmas dinner event on facebook. And so far, most ppl are coming. I don't know if Robin and Gavin are coming, but I hope they do. I didn't invite Anthony, but you know, no one's really said anything about him not being there, so I won't worry about it. Plus, really, me and Kasia have been doing this dinner for longer than we've known them, and neither of us like him, so too bad.

And to make things better, Kasia might be moving her bday party to the 8th, which means I'll be able to go to both her party and the work Christmas party with no problems!! That makes me super happy, 'cause I don't have to miss either one.

Anyways, done rambling now. Bedtime.
Nighty night.
Susana

'Cause I know that you're not there, and I know that you don't care....

I close my eyes, and all I see is you....
I close my eyes, I try to sleep, I can't forget you...
And I'd do anything for you....

I'd do anything, just to hold you in my arms...
I'd do anything, just to fall asleep with you...
-----

I'm telling you, that's the worst song to listen to when you're feeling depressed. Very bad. Stupid Simple Plan and their damn emo songs. You know what else is bad?? Backstreet Boys' "I Still". Such a good song, but not when you're feeling down.

But yeah, so I don't know what happened. Everything was going great today, and then I just felt like shit. It sucks.

So Ela came over at 7 am. Had breakfast, then went to the driving place. We got there at 8:34. 14 minutes after it opened. Man, was it packed. So we waited forever!! And then me and my mom went in and wrote our tests. And we both passed!! So yes, I got my G1. And I did clarify it with the lady there, and I don't have to wait the 8 months for my G2. So I'm trying to do it next week. That way, I can have my car!!!

And so Ela was telling us about going to Germany for the summer. And so I've decided that I may cancel the Mardi Gras trip, and instead, go visit her for her birthday in Germany. It'd be awesome!! I've never been to Europe, and I wouldn't even have to pay for a hotel!!! But it all depends on if she gets hired, really. We'll have to wait and see how it goes.

So yeah, then I went to buy the rest of Becky's baby gift. I found a few cute things. But my sister convinced met o buy them in yello and green, which seems more boy than girl. I'm hoping they come off as neutral, but I don't really know. But oh, well. I like what I bought. It's nice.

And so I went to look at cell phones. I want a new one, and I want a plan, so I have to get a contract. The deal they have now is awesome, so I'm gonna get it. I like two of the phones, one is a BlackBerry, and one is a new one with video conferencing. I know, I don't need video conferencing, but the phone is so pretty. So I'm going tomorrow to pick it up.

Anyways, so then I came back home, watched Eragon, and ate pupusas. So really, overall, a good day. And then I read a book. Yes, a whole book. And then I decided to check facebook. And I saw pics of Anthony, and for some weird reason that I can't explain, I missed him more than ever. And I felt like I was back in Montreal with all that pain. And all I wanted to do was cry. And I can't explain why. Why now, so much later, I feel like this.

I know it'll pass. It's prolly just a panic attack and I associated it with him because I was looking at pictures with him. But you know, it sucks.

I wanted to call him, and yell at him, and ask him why. Thankfully, I realized that would be stupid. I have yet to call him since we broke up, so I don't see why I would start now. Well, there was that one time I was trying to call my cell phone and accidentally called his, but I don't count it because I hung up after one ring. But besides that, I have not called him. And I no longer even have him on facebook or msn.

I should pretend he doesn't exist.

You know what sucks, now, though?? I was thinking about Drew and Becky having their baby, and I realized something. It's now even further from me. A family. I mean, I don't really know if I thought me and Anthony were gonna get married and live happily ever after, but it just seemed like a family was possible. Right now, it seems like it'll never happen.

And I'm not saying I want a baby right now, but I was hoping for like 2 or 3 years or so from now, not another 5 or 6.

Anyways, I should go to bed. I have to do laundry tomorrow morning, and then go to the mall to get my new phone and a gift bag before going to the baby shower. And you'll see, I won't get any of that done. Hahaha, I'm awesome with the procrastination.

Anyways, nighty night.
~Susana

Such a good day. Why did this have to happen??

Some more pointless ramblings

So I've had 5 bofriends. 4 of them I dated for a month or so (well, one I dated twice, for a month each time), and one of them for 4 years. So should I really feel alone right now?? Shouldn't I be enjoying my single time?? I think it's about time I get to enjoy being an adult and single. Have some fun with it. I mean, right now, I have no one tying me down. I can go where I want, when I want. And in like two or three weeks, I'll have a car, and I'll be able to go more places and do more things than before.

Think about it. In the last four months (yes, it's been that long), I've been to Montreal and Quebec City, I've been to Ohio, I've been to Vegas, I've been to countless other weekend trips (Collingwood, cottage, etc.). Should I really feel bad??

I mean, so far, he's gone nowhere. He's still doing the same exact thing he was doing when we ended. He's still working part-time at the same store. Same hours, prolly. He's still living with his parents, with his grandma doing his everything. He's still always short on money. He still hasn't gone anywhere.

I should be happy. Obviously, I've come out better for this. I've progressed, I've moved ahead. I've gotten a good job, travelled, and am planning to travel more. I've made many new friends. Some which I'll be friends with for a long time to come.

And yet I haven't moved on. Sad, I know. But I haven't. I've been doing better, yes. But not moved on. And I really have no idea how long it'll take to completely be past this.

I think it doesn't help that ever since we broke up, he's been with someone. He's always had someone there. He hasn't missed that. I, on the other hand, don't have that. I've had offers, but nothing that would last more than the night, really. And yeah, I'm sure the night would be fun, and I'm not ruling it out as something I would never do, but right now, it's not something I want either. I want someone to make me happy, and make me feel wanted, and make me feel safe. Someone to put their arms around me and make everything better. And for a while, he was that person. Now he's not for me anymore, but he still is for someone else. And I don't have that, and I think that's what makes it harder.

And it's not because of him, really, or because I miss him. I miss having someone. And I wish he could feel what I feel, missing that.

But you know, I saw her picture. And really, I think it's kinda funny. I mean, I may have my flaws, but that's what he picks over me?? Hahaha, he can have her.

And why is he still wearing my sweaters???? He calls me and tells me that he wants his shit back, and that my stuff will be at Tom's by the weekend, and yet it's all shit. He's in pictures, wearing my sweater. The sweater I bought when I met Jarx, and I used to steal his. The black Exco sweater. Some of you will know what I'm talking about. And he's still fucking wearing it!! When he's with her!! He better not be letting her whorish ass wear it!!

Back to what I was saying.....what was I saying?? Whatever, I lost my train of thought.

So I've decided that for my bday, I'm definately going somewhere. I haven't decided where yet, but I have time. I like the New Orleans plan. I've always wanted to go to Mardi Gras. And if no one else wants to come at all, then I'll just hop on a plane and go stay at my Tia Monze's house in LA. That wouldn't be too bad. And I could see the ocean!!

Wow, this post is pointless rambling. Okay, time to stop. And go to bed. Maybe for once go to bed early and get a good night's sleep.

Nighty night.
~Susana

So obviously I'm pissed...

So I bought a new dress today. It's black, it's booby, and it's shorter than my normal dresses. It's above the knee. Not too much, though. I'm wearing it to the work Christmas party. I'm excited. I'm gonna wear it with my strappy black stiletto sandals. Hopefully it looks good. :D

Anyways, so the yurt camping thing isn't happening. We couldn't get one in Algonquin, and Gavin says we can only do his cottage if Sal agrees, but I never talk to Sal, so when can I ask him?? And now Jarx and Krystal can't come anyways....and even if I decide to plan something anyways, not Kasia's saying we should stay and do something for Sal. I don't see why, I'm not really his friend. He's done nothing for me but ignore my feelings and make me feel worse. And apparenlty Matt is the one who wants to go out for Sal's bday. Yeah, another person I don't particularily care for. Plus, I don't even know if anything is even happening. Really, I haven't been invited to anything nor heard any concrete plans.

So yeah, I'm upset about that.

But yeah, anyways.......so the work xmas party falls on the same night as Kasia's bday. Problem is, I told Nicole I'd take her as my date before Kasia told me she was doing something that night. So then yesterday when I talked to her, she made me feel bad for missing it. And I'm sorry, but I'd already told Nicole and everything. It's not like I can't hang out with Kasia for her actual bday, or go to dinner and a club with her any other day. I don't understand why going to a club 4 days later is all that important.

I'm just tired of people making me feel guilty for not doing what they want, but no one doing what I want at all. So you know what?? Too fucking bad for all of you. I don't care what you want.

So obviously I'm not in the greatest mood. I really should just go to bed and hope that tomorrow works out better than today. Not that today was bad, really, but whatever.

I'm just mad at everyone right now. Yeah, you know what?? Bedtime.
Nighty night.

~Susana

Good times on the weekend

So this weekend was good. I'm happy. Not too much drama, and lots of fun and dancing. And some making out. Yeah, I had a good time.

So friday night we had a surprise thing for Gavin. It went well. Jessica straightened my hair, and it looked pretty. And everyone was there. Both Kasia and Robin were there, in the same room. I was glad. I don't like it when they fight, I feel like I have to pick, and if I hang out with one the other is mad at me. And yeah, Ela slept over. Hahahaha, I called her dad and asked him if it was okay that she came and stayed the night.

And Anthony was there, but he didn't say anything to me at all. Which is good, it made it easier. That way, I can still pretend he doesn't exist, and he can't say he missed an event because of me. And he can't claim I'm brainwashing people.

Anyways, saturday night we went downtown to Distrikt to meet some of the Montreal people. Yeah, not my favourite club. The first floor room looked like someone's unfinished basement, comeplete with wood walls and holes in the floor. And shitty music. The upstairs was at least a little bit better looking, and had much better music. But yeah, Sayurie, Ann, and Sherrie were there. It was awesome to see them again. I missed them more than I thought.

So yeah, I felt so much better about myself. I know it's dumb, but after the whole thing with Anthoyn, I thought maybe I just wasn't attractive at all anymore. But I had two guys tell me I was gorgeous and that I had the prettiest face ever and ask if they could take me home, and I had two guys try and dance with me, and even a girl hit on me. And then there was the guy who just grabbed my hand, pulled me over, and started dancing with me. Man, was it some dirty dancing. Lots of grinding. And then we started making out. And yeah, I don't know what he looked like. That may sound horrible, but I so needed some kissing. And yeah, I don't care if I couln't recognize him ever again.

Jack was a little weird, though. It seemed like something was wrong, but none of us could figure out why. He just kep walking off and wandering around...and didn't dance with us for too long. Why not, Jack?? What was wrong??

But yeah, then on the way out, me and Robin got caught literally in the middle of a fight. As in, we were walking in front of a club, and the guys at the door and the guys on the street tried to attach each other, and we were right in the middle. And then there were cops. And cops on horses, and the horse was on just two legs on the sidewalk as the cop tried to calm ppl down...it was a little scary.

And then we got pizza. It was yummy.

And so today I went to the flea market and bought some movies. We already watched Resident Evil, which so seems to be set up for a fourth. That'd be awesome. But you know, I liked the second one better.

Anyways, off to start another work week. But I told Ann I'd try to see her again this week, and Sherri mentioned something about dinner. So hopefully we can see each other more.

And Rose bought her ticket!!!! She's coming down on Dec 28th. I'm so excited!!!!!! She's gonna come with me to the friends dinner and then we're so gonna party for new years!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!

Anyways, bedtime now.
Nighty night.
~Susana

Random ramblings.

So I have something wrong with three disks in my spine. I'm not sure exactly what's wrong with them. But according to the doctor, I have to do a month of physio, and if that doesn help, then I have to have surgery. And you know, I know it won't help. I've had to do physio before, and it didn't work. I really don't think this time will be much different.

So lately I've been feeling weird. Like I want to do something, but I don't know what. Like I should be looking forward to something, but I don't know what, because everything is a maybe. Kinda just stir-crazy. I think that's the right word for it. At least, it is in my head.

And I really miss sex. Not that it was so often or even so great with Anthony, but yeah, I miss having the option of having it. I just need a boy, even for a night. Some making out, some sex...yeah, that'd work. Except I'm not as confident as I used to be. I used to be able to find guys to make out with anywhere I went. Now, not so much. I think that's what bothers me the most, the lack of confidence.

I should work on that. And I should work on fixing what I don't really like. Do something with my hair, get contacts. Maybe get my nails done, that's always a booster. Sadly, I can't go to the gym right now. Now that I know I have three fucked up disks, I don't want to risk hurting them more. So I have to wait until I see the specialist and the physio ppl so that I know what I can and can't do. I don't really want to have to need surgery.

And so there's a guy at work that I'm in love with. Okay, not in love with. but man, is he hot. I heart him. Haha, I love saying that, it sounds so funny. But no, really, I love to watch him. He's so pretty, it makes me happy. Yeah, I'd so jump him. In a heartbeat.

Anyways, done now. Nighty night.
~Susan a

Touristas!!!

So Vegas was awesome. It's honestly gotta be the best thing I've done. I'm so glad that I decided to go.

So we got there on wed at about 11 pm their time, 2 am our time. So by the time we checked in and everything, it was almost 3. And then me and Jarx went walking around our hotel, which was pretty big. And yeah, you can walk around smoking and carrying your alcohol. Inside and even on the streets. But we were both too tired to go walk on the strip, so we went to bed.

Thursday morning, Jarx and his friend Dan went to the car show, and I got picked up at 8:30. The your took us to a museum that had old houses that ppl, could walk around in, and a ghost town set up to look like an 1800's settlement. After that, we went to Ethel's Chocolate Factory, which has the best chocolate EVER. I don't know why we don't have any here, but it was so worth the price. I paid like $20 for 3 chocolate bars and a bag of chocolate covered pretzels. So worth it. Anyways, from there, we went to take a tour of Sumerlin, which is absolutely beautiful. It's weird though, because the houses either have astroturf (soccer field grass) or just cement/dirt/rocks in their front yard, and in some of the backyards too. There's barely any rain there, so you can't just waste water on the grass. So yeah, on the a buffet lunch at the Marriott. Not only was lunch fantastic, but the hotel itself was amazing. So gorgeous. Anyways, once we were done there, we went on to Red Rock Canyon. Man, another pretty site. Mountains everywhere, warm weather, nice breeze....fantastic.

After the Red Rock Canyon, I got dropped off at the Mirage and walked to the mall. Yeah, the mall was huge and it had tons of stores...so I bought a few things. None for me really, but for my mom and Gaby. So then I got back to the hotel, and we got changed and started walking down the strip. We ate at Wendy's (yeah, I know, so awesome). Then we walked down the entire strip. Yeah, I so did not make it to the last hotel. Halfway down, we stopped at a bar where I had three tequilla shots. Then we moved on to Coyote Ugly where I had another two. And then on to LAX Nightclub at the Luxor hotel, where I had three more. So then I attempted to walk back and made it about a third of the way. So I got into a taxi and went back.

Three hours later, it was time to get up and go meet the bus at the front. So we went, and yeah, I was still wasted. And so we went over the Hoover Dam, and kept driving, with one 15 minute stop for a break, and a lunch stop. And then on to the grand canyon!! It was amazing. Absolutely fantastic. I can't even find the right words to describe how beautiful and breathtaking it was. I never wanted to leave. And on top of that, the weather was great. Warm, with no humidity, and a nice cool breeze. I mean, I was in heaven. I NEED to go back. See more of it. Maybe actually go into the canyon.

Anyways, from there, it was back to the hotel. And then we were supposed to go to the Playboy Club, but we so didn't make it. So we went for dinner and then we got all dressed up and went to walk around. We went to the Wynn and walked around the stores, and then we went o back to sleep 'cause we were too tired.

Saturday kicked ass. We got up, went to eat breakfast buffet, and then checked out. And then we got picked up by the rental car ppl, and we got our car. A Mustang convertible. I was in heaven!!! I've never been in a convertible, and we figured since we won't really get the chance to do it again, we might as well go all out. So we drove with the top down and the music blasting. We went to the outlet malls and bought stuff for ppl. And then we drove to California. That's right, California.

I don't know if I can explain how great I felt. Driving in a nice car, with the top down, the wind messing up my hair, good music, great scenery....and then Jarx mentioned something about Anthony. And I realized that if I was still with him, I would never have had those three amazing days. So you know, I'm glad. And yeah, driving down, I was so super happy and content. And so we went to have a late lunch (like at 4), and then we drove back. And Jarx let me drive!! For like a kilometre and a half, but still!!! And then we went to take a pic with the "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas" sign, and attempted to drive down the strip, then tried to go down a faster route, got all frustrated....eventually made it to Walgreen's, bought what we needed to, and then went to the airport.

And then we came home. I was up talking to my family and eating breakfast with them until about noon, then I went to sleep.

And no, you dind't read wrong, and no, I didn't miss it. We didn't gamble. At all. I think Jarx spent a dollar and I spent none.

So next trip is New York in January. And I'm thinking maybe New Orleans for my bday. Mardi Gras is the 19th, so really, it'd be doable. Plus, it's a long weekend, so even if we leave friday after work, ppl only have to take one, maybe two days off work. So I'll see how I can work that. you ever know, it might work.

And yeah, if I get the chance, I'm moving to the Arizon/Nevada/Cali area. It was just too good to not move there. It's beautiful, the weather is awesome, and you don't have to worry about mowing the lawn or shoveling the snow. I doubt I ever will, but it would be nice. Anyways, it's midnight, and I have to work tomorrow. So I guess I should go.

But I want to add a few pics, and then I'm off.

There's more pics on facebook, but only like two albums. But I mean, I took almost 600 pics, so I'm not gonna post them all. And Jarx took anothe rlike 500. I know, we're a little camera happy.

But yeah, bedtime now. Nighty night.
~Susana

Life is pretty good right now...

So I'm going to Vegas in two days!! And now we've moved hotels and we're staying on the strip!! That's right, on the strip!! We're staying at a hotel called Circus Circus, and we're staying in the tower right above the casino. The hotel's pretty cool, it's got an 80,000 sq foot casino, an amusement park, a circus, an arcade, three pools.....I'm so excited!!!

Jarx's friend pissed me off, though. Jarx asked me to look into staying on the strip, and I found this place. So I called him, and he told me to make sure about the deal and all that, and that once we got it we'd cancel the other one. That way, we wouldn't get there and have no room. So I called, and I booked it. And then apparenlty we can't just cancel the other hotel we had, because it's no longer affiliated with it's parent company, it's just a hotel on it's own. And so now the cancellation fee is $80. So I called Jarx's friend to talk to him about it and see what we could do, and he gets all mad because I tell him that I can't cancell Circus Circus, it's less than 48 hours. So he starts talking to me like I'm a freaking idiot, telling me that next time he or Jarx tell me something, I should listen more carefully and do what they tell me, not something else. I'm sorry, what?? I don't take orders from him. I mean, I know I was invited on their trip, but it's now as much my trip as theirs. I found both hotels, I'm the one that booked the Grand Canyon tour, I got us on the guest list at the Playboy Club. I don't really need him to talk to me like I'm a retard.

Anyways........so I'm getting a car!! Yeah, I know, isn't life awesome?? It's a 1999 Nissan Sentra. I'm going on wednesday to get my G1, and I'm gonna book my G2 for next week, after I get back from Vegas. And then, once I have my licence, I can get it insured and get my plates and stuff. And then I can drive it!!!! Anywhere I want, whenever I want!! I can't wait!! And I managed to find an insurance place that only costs about $250 per month, which really isn't too bad at all.

And so this weekend I went to Nicole's Halloween party in Hamilton, which was pretty good. And then on saturday I went to Ashley's house for Andrew's surprise bday thing, and then we all went to Big Buck's. Man, did I have fun!! It was pretty good. More fun than I thought I would have, really. Everyone was nice and no one was arguing and it was great. And everyone was drinking and dancing!! They were even drunkenly doing lapdances (something I never thought I'd see James do) and doing an Irish dance circle thing. I'm glad I went, I had a good time. The only time I thought of Anthony was when Rae asked me if what she'd heard was true, and then James came over to ask how I was doing and give me an uplifting peptalk. Haha, and I thought he hated me!! But apparenlty not. And I'm glad. It made me feel better. And I definately want to hang out with them again. Hopefully I get to.

And yeah, so I had my MRI yesterday. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be, but man, if I was claustrophobic, it would't have gone over too well. But yeah, I still have to wait about 2 weeks before my doctor will have the results. Hopefully it's nothing bad.

And I'm now thinking of doing school part-time instead of full-time. I mean, I wouldn't get OSAP the first year anyways, I might as well work and just do one or two courses per semester. I just can't decide between advertising and pr. Meh, I won't worry about it right now. I'll worry about it after Vegas. On the plus side, I got in to Sheridan for Advertising!! And I got a call from the Humber program telling me that they wanted me in the program, but that they couldn't officially accept me until i did my test. I know, I'm awesome!!

Anyways, time to go to bed. I need a good night's sleep, since tomorrow I have to go to work all day and prolly stay late, and I also have to do laundry and pack and make sure I have everything and try to read some of the G1 book. And maybe work on my assignment a bit. Yeah, that's prolly something I should do.

And maybe I should go pack my lunch for tomorrow. That's prolly a good plan.

Nighty night.
~Susana

Just shoot me now.

So I saw Anthony this weekend. It didn't go well. In front of him, I tried to be composed and look like everything was fine. But I had way too much tequilla and tried to run away and cried a lot. And I'm sure he knew it was about him, I mean, he can't be that stupid.

So it seems like he's fine without me. And apparently, I'm not okay without him. Why do I feel like this?? I wanted him to hug me, and hold me, and come after me, and tell me he was wrong and that he wanted to try again.....I wanted so many things that I know can't happen. And knowing that they'll never happen just made it worse.

God, I want this to stop. I don't want to miss him. But I guess I just wasn't ready to see him. So next time I'm put in that situation, I think I'll leave. I don't care what everyone thinks of that. After what Sal said, I don't really care. I'm not ready to see him, and when I'm pushed into it, it obviously doesn't go well. So I think I'll just save myself the pain and the crying and all that and just not see him.

And I'm sorry if that puts everyone in an awkward position. I'm sorry if it means that people will feel bad because they can't invite me or they want me there and feel bad for leaving him out. I'm sorry. But I can't. It still hurts too much.

And no, I don't know when it'll go away or how long it'll take. And I'm sorry if it takes longer than everyone wants. But that's just how it's gonna be. At least, for now.

Anyways, I'm done my rant now. I don't know what to do about all this, and I'm tired of thinking about it. I mean, he wasn't thinking about me, so why should I still be thinking about him?? God, this sucks.

On a happy note, I went to the states and got my Uggs today, and dress shoes, and Cookie Crisp, and Pantene that they don't sell here. And we had dinner at Ponderosa. It was me, my mom, Robin, and Gaby. It was pretty fun.
Susana

Blah, blah, blah....

So I work full-time now. At ADT. My offical job title is "Installation Co-ordinator." There's so much work, it's insane!! I have to put together the paperwork for the jobs for the day, and then call and confirm each one. Then I have to check the previous day's jobs, to make sure that they're all active and working. Then I have to do invoices, and then once they're signed, I have to batch them. Then I have to book jobs. And then, if I have time, I have to sort out the order sheets and put them in files. Yeah, it's a lot of work.

But you know, it's fun. I like the ppl I work with, and some of the sales reps are pretty freaking good looking. So it's a pretty good place to work now. I make enough money to do a few things I want. Like trips. I want to go on many trips. So far, there's Vegas and the Dominican, and I want to go to New York. I just have to find someone to go with me. And maybe Banff or Whistler. And maybe El Salvador. And then Macchu Picchu!!!!!!

Anyways, I have a year and a half to get in shape, since I'll need to be fit to go to Macchu Picchu. According to the website, it's not super hard, but it still is a 40-km hike through the mountains. Including three mountain passes. The highest at over 4000 ft!! And then the hard part, a bridge, and then through the Sun Gate into the city. I will do it!!!!!

So maybe it's time I go sign up for the gym. Haha, I should do that soon!!

Anyways, I'm off to walk to the mailboxes with Robin. And to have a smoke.
Bye bye for now.
Susana

Wow, two posts in two days...

So I might do advertising. Or a graphic design and advertising course. You know, I have no freaking clue. I was supposed to figure this out during Media Foundations. And funny part is, even back then, I was iffy on journalism. But I liked PR and advertising. And I got in to all of them!! Why did I choose journalism???

Anyways, so I made cheesecake. And it was good!! I was so proud of me. It was dulce de leche cheesecake. With whipped cream on top. I'm awesome :D

And so now me and Jack have planned another trip. I know, I said no more extra trips besides Vegas and my bday, but it was just too good. We're going to stay in a yurt at Algonquin Park. It's gonna be so fun!! I wanted to go stay in a yurt for my bday last year, but it was cold and ppl didn't want to come, and so I didn't really plan it. But this time, we decided we wanted to, so we made the facebook event and invited ppl. And so far, it's me, Jack, Kasia, Tom, Jarx, and Krystal. I'm so excited!! I'm so glad me and Jack planned it.

But I didn't invite Anthony. Should I feel bad, or is it okay?? I mean, me and him aren't friends, and I don't even have him on facebook or msn anymore, so I guess I shouldn't, but I kinda do. I dont' feel as bad as I did when we were at the cottage, but that really wasn't me. I don't know, maybe I should just ignore it and not think about him at all. It seems like a better plan. I mean, he already has a new whore (yes, another one), so obviously he's moved on. Or he misses what we had so much that he's willing to jump onto anything without a penis that says hi. You know, I like that theory better. But yeah, so even thought I don't really miss him anymore, I should move past it completely, and stop worrying about him and what he does and how he's doing and everything. I can get to where I can start paying attention to the guys who msg me.

Which reminds me, does anyone know who these guys are?? They tell me that they've found me through a friend, but we have no friends in common. I mean, they add me and start sending me stuff and talking to me, but I have no freaking clue who they are. They aren't all bad looking, but you know, that's not the point. Send me real ppl, damn it, not internet ppl!!

So happy news, I got an 84% on my psychology test!! I'm so awesome that I got it without having to read the book!! I know, I'm amazing. It's a gift. But no, seriously, I'm so happy with me. Yeah, I know, I should have read the book like I was supposed to, but oh, well. Maybe next time I will!!

Anyways, it's 12:30 and I should be heading to bed. I still have to make a post on my psych webct, though, which sucks. But I need sleep. And some clean clothes. I think I shall do some laundry tomorrow. Haha, I've been saying that for like a month. Obviously I have way too many clothes!!!

Anyways, nighty night.
Susana

I'm not completely fixed, but at least I'm not broken anymore.

Hallo all. So it's been two months since my last update, and I decided it was about time to write again. More importantly, I decided I was ready to write about my last two months.

So me and Anthony are over. I mean, we were already over the last time I posted, but I was still hopefull back then, and it may have seemed like I was just waiting. Which I'm done doing. I realized I was just waiting almost a month ago, and I have done my best to move on since then. And I think I'm doing well.

On a happy note, at least from where I stand, him and his whore broke up. And you know, it shoudn't matter, but it did. And yes, I was happy when I found out. Regardless of if I had a right to be happy about it or not, I was. And I kinda expected him to call. But he didn't, and I've moved on from that.

So Chris Daughtry's song "Over You" is my favourite song right now. It's funny how it says exactly how I feel. Almost, anyways. I've only seen Anthony twice since I got back, once was for like 30 seconds and only the back of his head, and the second time was for like a minute and a half. And you know, all I felt was mad. Mainly because I'd just found out some things, but I wanted to hit him.

I've decided we'll prolly never be friends. I mean, we weren't before, so I don't see why we have to be now. Plus, I don't think that I could forgive him and ever trust him again, even as a friend.

But yeah, on to other, better, happier topics. So I'm not in journalism anymore. I freaking hated it. So I dropped it. I think I'm gonna do PR. I mean, I loved it before, and I loved working at Fox. I don't know why I didn't do it when I got in two years ago, I'd almost be done now!! But yeah, so I'm currenlty working on the part-time certificate, in the study of human behaviour. I have three online classes this semester (politics, psychology, and sociology), and I have one next semester (political geography).

And so I work full-time now. At ADT Security Services. I work in the installation department. Robin works there too (in another dept), and so does Nicole Prouxl, who I went to high school with (she sits in the same dept with me). It's pretty good. I get paid $13/hr, which is great for someone like me (no rent or big bills). And it's not something that I dread going to every morning. I hate waking up, but work isn't the reason for that. It's just 'cause I'm lazy and want more sleep.

And so now I'm making money. And I'm paying my own phone bill, and credit card bill, and the digital cable here at home. And I have enough money left to go out and stuff. I'm kinda proud of myself for taking care of my stuff now instead of having to rely on someone else. It feels really good, believe me. To be able to go out, and shop, and use eBay, and go anywhere I want to without having to ask someone for permission and for money. I don't know why I didn't do this sooner!!

And I've been doing what I said I would, which was to have more fun. In the two months since I got back from Montreal, I've been to the trailer for a weekend, Gavin's cottage twice (with a big group and a little group), to Collingwood for Kiki's bday, to Ohio to see a concert (Three Days Grace, Sum 41, Finger Eleven), to a few clubs, and to see "We Will Rock You," the musical. It's been pretty good. In my opinion, I've done more in the last two months than in the last two years. And there's so much more planned.

And I'm going to Las Vegas!!! I'm going with Jarx and one of his friends. We're leaving here on Oct 31, and coming back on Nov 4th. It's gonna be so much fun!! I've already booked a day-long trip to the Grand Canyon with Jarx, and a tour of Vegas/Red Rock Canyon by myself!! And we're driving down to the California border to take a pic with the "Welcome to Nevada" sign. A nd I've got Jarx to agree to go to a club!! It was pretty easy, I just convinced him to go to the Playboy Club, because I want to go to the one attached to it. They're on like the 55th floor!! I just want a pic of the view.

So we're not planning on sleeping, because we've got way too much stuff we want to do!!! The plane and hotel are already booked. And no, we're not staying on nthe strip, we're staying right behind a hotel on the strip. Whatever, cheaper and just as close to the action!!

For New Year's, Rose and Carri are coming. I'm so excited!! I miss them so much. Montreal was so freaking good, I wish I'd been able to enjoy it more. And looking back on it now, I'm glad I was there when the whole thing with Anthony happened, it was prolly the best place for me to be. I mean, no one there knew him, no one here knew the ppl there, and I could do anything!! And I mean, it was great to never have to sit alone in my room and feel sad. I always had ppl in there, Carri, Rose, Nigel, Tiffany....always in there!! And they didn't let me sit there and feel bad, they made me go out and party and go clubbing and walk around and go eat and stuff. And we drank more in that month than I did in the last year!!! And look at the pretty boys.....I didn't really learn any french, but really, did I expect to?? Maybe I'll go again next year!!

Yeah, I'm excited about New Year's. Hopefully they do come and we can have a huge party. It's gonna be so good!!

And then for my bday, I want to go somewhere warm. Preferrably the Dominican Republic, but I can deal with almost any other beachy country. I'm determined to spend my bday on the freaking beach. It will happen, I tell you!! It will!!

And then after all that, I think I'm gonna buy me a car. A used one. A van. A caravan. Yes, I'm specific. I'd need one if I want to go somewhere with my mom, and Patrick, and Gaby, and if I want to go camping and all that. I'm determined that by next summer, I will be licensed and on the road in my own car. We'll see how that works out. Technically, I should be able to do it. Unless Jarx calls me and does what he did this time. "So we're going to Vegas, you have to buy your ticket by tomorrow. Let me know." And then proceed to convince me to go. Which I guess wasn't too hard, considering I was dying to go anyways. But whatever, trip's paid, and I don't owe anyone anything for the ticket. Well, $70 to my mom, which is what I had to borrow, but that's really not bad for a $420 ticket!!!

You know, I feel better now. I feel stronger and more independant than ever before. until someone mentiones him. Then I shatter. But otherwise, I'm good. It's been a little hard this weekend, I'm used to having at least two Thanksgiving dinners, even three. But now, it's just one. Worst part is, I loved his family. Seeing his cousing and aunts and uncles. I'm gonna miss that.

Anyways, bedtime for me. I have to get up tomorrow and clean my room and do laundry and homework. I have no clean clothes and I'm falling behind on assignments!! And then monday we have dinner :D Ela's coming over, and so is Amber. It should be good. I'm making cheesecake for the first time!! Keep your fingers crossed!!

Okay, until next time!!

Oh, and does anyone know any single guys?? Blind date!! Hahahaha!!
Susana

I'm in Montreal, and life sucks.

So it's been a while since I updated. So there's tons of things new in my life right now, I don't even know where to begin.

I guess I'll start with Anthony. We're not together anymore. He broke up with me about a month ago, and he's been seeing a new person for a month now. So I'm pretty sure that he was seeing her or at least there was something there before we broke up. Nothing he says will convince me that it was a coincidence that they got together like a day after he broke up with me.

And even worse, he's being an ass. He doesn't understnad that I don't want to go home and go to someone's bday or something and see him with his new whore. I mean, I'm not saying that he shouldn't see his friends or go just because I'm there, but he should have some consideration at least, and not bring her. That's not really asking a lot.

So I haven't been doing okay. Even worse, I'm in Montreal, and it seems like he waited until I left so that I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. And then, when I wanted to go home, he decided to blackmail me and tell me that if I did, I'd have to pay back the $500 he borrowed from Sal for the trip. Yeah, so he's an ass who yells at me and tells me to stop being a baby and blackmails me. At least now I know who he really is.

But I hurt. Mainly because I can't accept that his arms will never be around me and that I won't kiss him. And that it's not me he wants and needs and misses. And I can't grasp that he really won't be there when I get back. And that he's not mine. That he belongs to someone else now. And it hurts so much to know that I was so unspecial that he was able to move on in a day. I meant so little that he could just forget.

And I can't think of the bad times for some reason. I can only think of good times, and the fun we had. I think of that day in the park, when it was raining. And I think of when I met him. And of cuddling, and hugging him. And how I never felt safer than when I was in his arms.

But I guess I never knew him. The Anthony I knew would never have hurt me this bad. And even worse, I think he does it on purpuse. He says things just to hurt me more.

And I don't know what triggered it. I mean, I knew we had some issues, but I thought we were doing great and were okay. And suddenly, he doesn't love me anymore. And then he's with someone new. And I don't get it.

And I want them to hate her. I want her to not be included. I want it to be hard for him too.
-----

So seven hours later, and I'm writing again. It's almost 10 now. I got a little emotional (well, a lot emotional), and then Ela and Jack were fantasticl and made me feel better. And then I took a nap (for like half an hour), and then went to Carlos & Pepe's for dollar tacos. It was awesome. And now I'm back.

So yeah, I'm in Montreal right now. Funny, I don't think anyone thought I would really come. It seemed like another one of those things that I plan and look forward to but never happen. And yet, here I am. I've been here for four weeks now, and I leave in 5 days.

It's been pretty cool here. I've met some great people, I've gone to some nice places, and I got to try a bunch of new things. And I've been practicing my french. Not too much, 'cause I suck, but a little. Most people here speak english too, so it's hard to just practice.

I've been put in level one advanced, and I'm still not sure if it's where I should be. Listening and understanding-wise, I should be higher. Speaking-wise, I'm good where I am. But sometimes I get mad because I'm not allowed to use certain things. I mean, we're not even doing passe compose!!! But overall, it's not too bad.

So I'm thinking of applying next year. But I guess I'll wait to see if Rose and Carri are coming back. If they are, I will too. And I'm gonna get Jack or Matt or someone to come with me too!!

So yeah, moving on. My back problem came back while I was here, and I may have to have surgery. The doctor here said that she believes it's probably a herniated disk. If it is, I guess I need surgery. I really hope not, though. Then again, it's not really hurting anymore, so maybe it's nothing to worry about. I almost went home, though, because the doctor here and the doctor back home told me I should. But then Anthony said that if I went home for medical reasons, I'd still have to pay Sal back for half of it. So I had no choice but to stay.

And yeah, so I'm thinking of moving to BC. I applied to Langara college, which I've been told is pretty good, for Journalism and a University Transfer program. If I get in, I will do what it takes to go. I think that somewhere new may be good for me. Somewhere that I can start over and make new friends (though not all the ones I have now are bad) and start a new life. And be near a beach. I would love a beach.

If I don't get in to the school, then I'm gonna work my ass off at Humber. I'm gonna do what I can and get the best grades I can. And since I'll have a few empty spots, I'll also work on getting that other certificate, in the study of human behaviour. I've already got half the courses, I should be able to do it.

And then once I'm done Humber, with my two certificates and an advanced diploma, I'll apply to UBC. And hopefully, my marks will be good enough that I get in and I can move there and get a degree. And even better, I'll prolly be able to do it in less than four years. I like that plan too. I guess it'll all depend on what happens when I get home and with my application to Langara.

Anyways, so Montreal. I really like it here. It's a nice city, and it's interesting, and I love that it's a freaking island. And the Metro (subway) system is fantastic!! Toronto should look at this system and learn from it!! But yeah, I could see me living here. Really, I could. I would just have to learn some more french.

Wow, who knew that all those years of extended french were almost a waste?? I mean, I remember enough, and I say some things that the teacher asks me not to use because their too 'advanced' for a level one class, but I can't speak it. I can't pronounce it, I can barely make it sound right. But I guess trying is better than not. Slowly, I'm getting it back. At least, in my head I am. Out loud, it still sounds bad.

Thankfully, I'm over the horrible homesickness I had when I got here. I was pretty bad, and then the thing with Anthony made it worse. But then I moved floors, and that helped. And then Jack, Matt and Ela came to visit, and then Jack, Matt, Kasia, and Tom. So I'm pretty good now. But I go home in five days, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm just worried about life once I get there. I mean, I have to pack up his shit and give it to him, and get mine. I just hope he doesn't argue over the camping stuff, which I'm so keeping. He hates camping anyways.

But then I have to deal with seeing him at birthdays or at things like that, and I have to deal with him bringing his whore. I shouldn't have to, but apparenlty after four years, he doesn't give a shit about how I feel at all.

Yeah, bad topic to start again.

Anyways, this is getting long, and I should prolly go find people and see what they're up to. So maybe I'll write again later. I may need to.

I'm special...

So yeah, I changed my mind yet again. I swear, it's the last time. I decided that I'm gonna stay at Humber and finish journalism.

Why, you ask?? Because deep down, I still love it. It's what I want to do. I mean, I've been excited about starting something new all this time, but I've been agonizing over leaving it. It's been what I've always wanted. So why change that?? If I love it, I should stick with it.

So yeah, I'll be at Humber. And yes, I know that means that the people who were my classmates will now be my editors. And really, I'm okay with that. Well, that's a lie. I'm not okay with it, but I can deal. It won't be as bad as I think it will be.

Anyways, so I got a pedicure on sunday. I've never had one before. And let me tell you, it was pretty freaking fantastic. You get to sit in a massaging chair with your feet in warm water and then someone makes them feel all pretty and paints them nicely. It's fantastic. I should have them more often!!

I'm gonna go play some Neverwinter now. I'm so bored. I can't wait until Montreal. At least I'll have homework again!! I know I'll regret saying that later.

But yeah, bye bye.

So I suck at math

So I took the Skills Assessment Test at Seneca, and I'm sad. It's a test to determine what level you should be in for your english and math classes. So I had four tests. An essay, an english computer test, and then an arithmetic test and an algebra test (both on the comp). The essay was easy enough, but you can't see your score. The comp tests give you the score that you got, but they don't tell you what level you were placed in. So all three computer tests were out of 120. On the english test, I got 106. Which is pretty good. On the arithmetic test, I got about 73. Which isn't too bad, really. On the algebra test, however, I got a 31. Yeah, that's right. A freaking 31. Wow, did I feel like a retard. I mean, I know I didn't take math past grade 10 ('cause Saddlemyre is a freaking dumbass and it's her fault), so I never learned a lot of what was on the test. But still, I didn't expect to score that low.

So I'll prolly have to do a non-credit upgraiding course. Which is fine, really. I mean, I haven't taken any math since grade 10, so I'm definately not at college level. Kinda sucks, but whatever.

So I leave for Montreal in just over a month. I'm so freaking excited!! I cna't believe I'm actually going!! I always have great ideas or opportunities like this, and I never get to actually do them. And this time I do!! I am definately looking forward to it.

So I'm still looking for a job. No one really wants to hire me, though, 'cause I'm leaving for 5 weeks, and then I'm going another week to the trailer. So I have no money. So I'm thinking of calling a telemarketing place, see if they'll hire me. 'Cause I can work there for like a month, and then leave. And I won't really feel bad because I can't do telemarketing for a long time, it makes me all depressed. I'm iffy on it, though, because it went so badly last time. I got pretty bad. Maybe I just can't take all those people yelling at me and being rude. But whatever, maybe it won't be too bad for just a month. I'll look into it.

Anyways, I'm gonna stop writing now. This has taken forever, since I was going between this, reading stuff, and having a joint convo with Tamara and Robin. Man, we get distracted and off-topic easily. But yeah, maybe I'll come back on sometime this weekend and write about camping. It was interesting. Oh, and about last weekend. Nick's bday, then Nicole's. That was interesting. No more drinking with Sal and Robin for me!!

Anyways, bye bye now.

Camping!!!

So yeah, May 2-4 is here. For those that don't know, that's the weekend that we all go camping. This will be the fifth time that we're all going (four years for those who are confused). Honestly, this can be the best weekend of the year. It all depends on the weather. The weather makes people's moods.

We've actually had every kind of weather. The next time it was nice, warm, and sunny. The second year it poured non-stop and we woke up in puddles. The third time it was foggy. Last year it was freezing and it snowed. So we've learned to be prepared. I pack my bathing suit and my winter jacket. I pack tarps and my heater and some flip-flops.

I'm hoping this year it'll kick ass. There's 25 of us going. There's me, Anthony, Kasia, Tom, Ela, Jack, Sal, Tamara, Krystal, Jarx, Robin, Gavin, Nicole, Jesse, Kiki, Kiki's bf, Kasia's friend Shawn, and six of Jack's friends. And Jessica and Deanna will be coming up in sunday. So it should be fun!!!

I'm hopeing that it's nice and sunny, but really too cold for bugs. I hate bugs. They're the worst part about camping. They're all icky and ewwy.

Anyways, I'm happy. Me and Anthony have the whole set-up now. We have a nice, big tent, we have a kitchen tent, a matress, a heater, a stove, pots, pans, plates, tarps, tent light, chairs, roasting sticks, and so on. So now we don't really have to rely on anyone else for camping equipment. Just for a ride up there, because neither of us drives. Which sucks, but it really can't be helped.

Anyways, I'm gonna go watch some Criminal Minds with my sister now. I got the season one DVDs, and I've been watching every single episode. Such a great show. I want to become a profiler now. I guess it's a good thing I planned on taking criminology!!

And as a funny side note, my sister blew up a bottle of black hair dye in the bathroom tonight. The wall looks awesome. I thought it was hilarious!!!

Done with Humber!!

So I finished my last exam today, and I handed in my assignment and my take-home exam. They were freaking hard. I don't know why I took science-type courses, they were never my thing in high school. Don't get me wrong, I liked them, but I don't think I could deal with it forever.

Anyways, I hope I did okay. I think I did, but you never know. I missed one essay in the COMM class, so I really don't know if I'll pass that one. And magazine, as we all know, was a waste for me, and a wasted credit. Too bad I couldn't withdraw from it. Design, I think I did okay in it. At least passable. Origins of Life and Dangerous Earth, I also think I passed. At least, I better have, I put lots of work into those!! And the BEH course, I think I did okay. I mean, I got 92% on my essay!! That can't be bad!!

So I'm done at Humber now. I don't know if I should be happy or not. I mean, I wanted to get into that program so much, and here I am leaving it. But you know, it's for the best. For whatever reasons, medical or just me, I didn't have the same drive as some of those people, I didn't have the same talent. Don't get me wrong, I think my stories were pretty good, and I loved seeing my name in print and all, but I just didn't have that determination that some of them did. And you know, I could one day have it, and I'll go back and do it. Until then, I have to find something else that I can do well and that I can throw myself into and stand out.

So yeah, we're going to Niagara Falls this weekend for Robin's bday. You know, I enjoy going and all, I just wish we would try a new bar/club or maybe do something different. But it'll be fun. Krystal's bday party is two weeks from now. She doing her thing at the Stampede Ranch in Guelph. I've never been there, so I'm looking forward to it!!

So, eBay. I love it, it's my new addiction. I'm kinda glad that I didn't discover this while I was working, otherwise that's where all my money would have gone. But I did win 4 Finger Eleven tickets for $35, plus s&h. That's awesome!! And even better, I convinced Nelson that he and his friend should pay for them, and that me and Ela should get free tickets. Don't ask me how, I don't really know. It's just a gift that I have. But I'm happy about it.

Anyways, I'm gonna go play some Neverwinter Nights now. I haven't played in about a week or so, I've been so busy with the assignments and homework and studying. So now I get to play. Well, I might go to sleep. I've gotten only three hours of sleep in about 40 hrs or so. So maybe I should go to bed before I get a headache.

Anyways, bye bye.

I'M GOING TO MONTREAL!!

So I got into the French program. It's from July 9th until Aug 10th at the University of Montreal. I'm so excited!!

I've decided that I'm gonna go. I'd really like to. I'd kick ass!!

And I really think it'd be good for me to go somewhere else for a month. Get away from the drama of my life and meet some new people. And I know Anthony will be okay with me being gone, he'll prolly push me to go.

Oh, man, I can't wait!!

No homework!! I'm bored...

So I'm in the weird and rare situation of not having any homework. It's new for me. I mean, I have nothing due next week. I have stuff due the week after, but nothing I can really do. The design assignment has to be done at school, because I can't transfer it back and forth from the PC Quark to the Mac Quark. So I have to do it there. The COMM one, I have to finish reading the book, which I'm slowly doing. It's kinda boring and I'm not really in a reading mood. So I can't write the essay until I read it. And the two for Thursday, I haven't gotten them yet!! I get them this upcoming Thursday, and they're due the week after.

So yeah, I'm bored. I don't really know what to do with myself. I could clean my room, or do my laundry. Or I could read the book. But none of those sound too appealing. So I'm at a loss as to what to do.

So maybe I'll just go play some more Neverwinter Nights. Such a good game.

Oh, and just to confirm it for everyone, I am definitely gonna be going to Seneca in the fall. I know my reasons for making that decisions weren't the best, but it's done and I will stick by what I've chosen. I basically decided that I let it get too far and I screwed up too bad. And sadly, I don't really want to try and fix it. I'd basically have to redo 2nd year, and I don't want to. So I'm gonna start over somewhere new and do something different. The option of going back to journalism when I'm done will always be there, but for now, I'm going to Seneca, and then to a BA at York. That's the plan, and I will stick by it.

Hopefully the ride isn't as bad as it seems. Apparently I have to go to Kipling by bus, take the subway to St. George, switch onto the other subway, go to Sheppard, and then get on a bus. Yeah, far. I'm gonna hate this. On the plus side, I get to sleep. Maybe do some homework?? Maybe I'll just buy a few more books and read. Ooh, I'll bring the PSP. Good plan!!

Anyways, I'm off to play Neverwinter now.
Bye bye!!

Seneca, here I come!!

So I've decided that I second-guess myself too much.

I made a decision. I won' tbe staying at Humber, I will be going to Seneca for their General Arts and Science Diploma. It's a two year program, and it leads basically to York. My courses will be at the Seneca@York campus, which, as you can tell, is at York University. So I've decided that it will be better for me, maybe meet some new people, do something general and then go on to York. This program gets you in to their Bachelor of Arts degree, which includes Criminology and Political Science as options. So that's my plan.

But now I'm wondering if that's a good idea. Am I wrong to leave?? Am I being retarded?? Yesterday, I was happy with my decision. I really was. And then today I tried to drop my magazine course, and they wouldn't let me because apparently friday was the last day to drop a course. So now I'm mad, because I'm stuck in it anyways. So now I don't know what to do.

You know, I'm gonna go to Seneca. Like I told Anthony, although I love writing and I love the news, it's too much. I like deadlines and all, but it's too much pressure and too much work and I'm not organized and disciplined enough to do what I need to do.

So yay, Seneca!! It better kick ass!! Also, on the happy side, I finally get a school email!!! So exciting. I can now join another facebook network. Happy day!!

Anyways, gotta go. Back to my essay!!

Magazine??

So, I think I've screwed up magazine class really bad. Everything else, I'm doing okay in. But magazine class?? I'm so screwed. I don't even know if it's not too late to fix it by now. I think right now it's because I really don't care about anything. And I know that if I fail it, it's okay, because I can do it next year. I mean, I'm one year behind for one class already, so what's just one more class??

I don't know. I don't really want to do it again, so I guess I'll have to email Bill and hope that he passes me. I don't think depression and lethargy count as a valid sickness, though. Cross your fingers for me.

On the happy side, I got an 85% on my dangerous earth essay!! Yay for me!!

So Janna's bday at the bar is tonight, and I think I'm gonna give her a cash for life ticket. She always gives me them, with the hope that I win, so I think I'll do the same. Imagine winning?? What a great gift that'd be. But then I'd be mad that it wasn't mine.

Anyways, at the bar, they have these nachos made with potatoes instead of chips. So I'm gonna try them, they sound interesting. I'll let you know how they were.

You know, I forgot how much writing helps. I should write a book!! I don't know what about, though. Self-help books suck, and I'm bad at fiction. Oh, well. No book, then.

But yeah, so I need a job. I think I may go to Eaton's Centre tomorrow and apply at the stores there. Hopefully I can find a job soon, I'm in need of money.

I gotta get going, I have to go take a shower and get ready. I still haven't finished my 10 page essay. I'm at 2 pages. But I don't really get a choice about Janna's, so I'll finish tomorrow.

Okie, bye bye now.

P.S. Does anyone even read this?? It makes me feel better, so I'll keep doing it, but I'm just curious if anyone else reads it.

I don't really have a title...

So Anthony told me today that I'm emotionally high maintenance. I guess I can see how he'd get that. I mean, I demand a lot. Not really with money, though I'm not the best with that, but with time and effort. I need a lot of his time, and a lot of his effort. It's almost like I need to be his number one priority, and I know that's not right.

It bothers me, though. I used to be so good. I didn't need the guy to spend all his time with me, or talk to me all the time. I mean, I've always been huge on phones and talking for hours, but with friends. I used to talk with Jarx a lot, and then that stopped. I don't even talk to Kasia anymore because she's really too busy. I talk to her basically when we're making plans, that's about it. She's always busy with homework, or with Tom. Same with Robin, really. And I guess they must see the same of me. Maybe I need to do something to fix this, and start talking again. Maybe it'll help once Kasia moves back here.

I should find something to do. Some sort of hobby or something like that. A new job would be good too. That way, I'd have something that takes up my time, instead of being upset that he doesn't have time for me. But you know, I have no idea what I could do. Obviously having a job would help, and then I could pay for some sort of class or something like that. I just really have no idea what.

So I talked to my sister today about the whole depression thing, and she said that she's noticed that I haven't been myself. She says that she knew something was wrong, but she didn't want to say anything and start an argument. I told her that next time, she should talk to Anthony, that way he can tell me. It's funny, I never would have thought that she would know that I wasn't doing okay. Maybe because I still see her as a little kid, when she's 14 and in grade 9. And while she's not an adult, she's not as little as I think she is.

She told me that she could see that I was too unhappy and mad. And she saw that my mom didn't see anything. My mom's of the belief that depression isn't real. It's all in your head. You just have to smile and be happy. And I know it's not that way. It's extremely real and it's hard to deal with, and I need help from the people around me. But she ignores it because it's not something she really thinks is bad. And I can kinda understand, I mean, there's a few things I think don't really need to be treated by drugs, but I wouldn't tell that to someone who felt the suffered from it, I would support them.

I don't know. I think the hardest time is right now, when I know what's wrong but I have to wait for the drugs to help. It sucks because now I know why I don't want to do anything and why I'm so tired and why I want to quit everything, but that doesn't change the fact that I still feel that way. I know I have to do it anyways, because once I'm better I'll regret it, but it's hard. It's really freaking hard.

So in about nine days I'll know about the program in Quebec. I applied for the Explore program again, which is a six week program at a school in Quebec so I can learn french. The tuition, room, and board are paid for, I just have to worry about getting there. Which should be too hard, I should be able to find a way and be okay. Hopefully I get in, I think it'd be good for me to be away for six weeks. Give me and Anthony some time to do our own thing. He could play his games or whatever else he wants to do, and I could feel like I'm travelling and exploring somewhere new.

But anyways, I really should go do my essay now. So far, I only have a topic picked out. And I only have 24 hours to write it!! This is not gonna be good. But it's okay, I just need to pass these classes, and then I have the whole summer to feel better. And then by next semester, I can put more effort into it. And hopefully it'll be better.

Okay, enough stalling. Essay time now. And 8 am class tomorrow. Bye bye!!

And the doctor says....

So I got back from the doctor's a little while ago, and I decided to post what I found out. Mainly because I need to tell someone and Anthony is still sleeping for another hour. And I've already waited forever!!

So although I'm still diagnosed as pre-diabetic, because once you get that title, it's there forever, I don't think I really have anything to worry about. And the doctor agrees, I'm fine. Only once has my blood sugar tested above normal, which I think was on the fasting test. I had high sugar when I hadn't eaten, but the icky orange stuff they made me drink didn't really make any difference to the sugar. But every other time, I've tested fine, within normal range. Apparently 7.0 is diabetic, 6.0 is pre-diabetic, and I normally test around 5.2 or 5.4, never really any higher. So I think I'm gonna stop worrying about this one. I'm fine. On the plus side, all my eye exams are free now.

Secondly, she says my depression is back. She asked me how I've been feeling, and I gave her an honest answer. I've been having insane mood swings, and the emotions are pretty extreme. I haven't been sleeping well at all, and I'm always tired. Everything scares the crap out of me. I'm not really happy, ever. I get upset easily. I even thought about dropping out of school because I couldn't handle everything.

So she has put me on medication. I'm not a big fan of daily medication, mainly because I am the worst person at remembering to take pills. But you know, if it'll make me feel okay and I won't be such a bitch, then maybe it's not such a bad thing. Plus, I know now that it's not forever. I cana take it for a while, maybe a year or two, and then I can be okay without them for another year or two. And it comes and goes. So I'll learn how to deal. Not happy with it, but I don't really get a choice.

She's also given me the phone number of a clinic to call. She says that I have to call them and talk to them and they'll help me figure out what kind of councelling I need, be it a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or whatever. So cross your fingers that I'll be better by the summer.

I also know now that I have to work on the school stuff, because once I get better I'm gonna kick myself pretty hard if I've screwed it all up. I know I will. So now I have to work twice as hard, because I'd put off so much stuff because I didn't know if I wanted to stay in school.

But at least I can feel better knowing that I'm not retarded and I didn't just suddenly hate something I'd wanted for so long. And it's funny, because in all that time I said I hated it, I knew I didn't. But I just didn't want to do it. I didn't want to do anything at all but lay in my bed and cry. Maybe that's part of the reason I quit Zellers. But oh, well. Now I know, and now I can get better.

But right now, I've gotta focus on the magazine article due tomorrow and the essay due thursday. I know I'm pretty screwed. But I've gotta get them done. That way, I don't have to worry abou them anymore.

So I've decided to post a picture of my sheep. She makes me happy. And yes, I know she has horns and is probably neither a she nor a sheep. But whatever. Her name's Clarisse, and I love her. I got her last weekend when I had my wisdom teeth out and asked my mom for a sheep while I was all drugged up (we'd seen them on the way to the dentist's). And in the ledft bottom corner, you can see my little pillow, which is my most prized possession. My grandma made it for me before I was born, and I still have it. And I still sleep with it and take it absolutely everywhere!!!! It has been everywhere I've been.

Anyways, off to do some homework now. Wish me luck on finishing it. Bye bye!!