So I saw Anthony this weekend. It didn't go well. In front of him, I tried to be composed and look like everything was fine. But I had way too much tequilla and tried to run away and cried a lot. And I'm sure he knew it was about him, I mean, he can't be that stupid.
So it seems like he's fine without me. And apparently, I'm not okay without him. Why do I feel like this?? I wanted him to hug me, and hold me, and come after me, and tell me he was wrong and that he wanted to try again.....I wanted so many things that I know can't happen. And knowing that they'll never happen just made it worse.
God, I want this to stop. I don't want to miss him. But I guess I just wasn't ready to see him. So next time I'm put in that situation, I think I'll leave. I don't care what everyone thinks of that. After what Sal said, I don't really care. I'm not ready to see him, and when I'm pushed into it, it obviously doesn't go well. So I think I'll just save myself the pain and the crying and all that and just not see him.
And I'm sorry if that puts everyone in an awkward position. I'm sorry if it means that people will feel bad because they can't invite me or they want me there and feel bad for leaving him out. I'm sorry. But I can't. It still hurts too much.
And no, I don't know when it'll go away or how long it'll take. And I'm sorry if it takes longer than everyone wants. But that's just how it's gonna be. At least, for now.
Anyways, I'm done my rant now. I don't know what to do about all this, and I'm tired of thinking about it. I mean, he wasn't thinking about me, so why should I still be thinking about him?? God, this sucks.
On a happy note, I went to the states and got my Uggs today, and dress shoes, and Cookie Crisp, and Pantene that they don't sell here. And we had dinner at Ponderosa. It was me, my mom, Robin, and Gaby. It was pretty fun.
Susana
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