Trailer Journal

So I wrote this while I was at the trailer, and I was iffy on if I was gonna post it or not, but I decided that in the end, I spent the time writing it, I might as well post it. Really, I don’t know how many people read this, but I guess if you do, you care about me, about what I think, and about how I feel. So this may help you understand more of what my life is like right now.

Not that I post it so that people will feel bad for me or anything. I just post what I think and what I feel in the hopes that it’ll help people see why I am the way I am. Or maybe it’ll help them help me figure me out. Haha, like that makes sense.

Anyways, here it is:

So I have a million things to write about. I prolly should have written before, but I just really didn’t want to sit and write it all out. There’s just been so many things that happened in the last little bit.

Okay, so I guess I should start at the biggest one, and work my way down. So here goes.

So Patrick was arrested about two weeks ago. He’s since been released on bail, but he can’t come anywhere near us. Well, he can come near us, just not closer than 300 feet. I’m not gonna get into the details of the charges or anything, but I’m just glad he’s gone. It’s done a number on my family, though. We seem closer, but at the same time, we’re so far apart. And really, I can’t think of what to do to fix it. And although this is the biggest thing, funny enough, it’s the one I want to talk about the list. So I’ll just move along.

Second, I’ve cut Robin out of my life. Completely. See, last time she got mad at me, she called Anthony and invited him to where we were in order to get back at me. This time, she kinda did the same thing, but it went a little further. She was so pissed that she went and invited Anthony and his girlfriend to Gavin’s cottage. Actually, she invited people that I really dislike, like Tamara and Matt. But you know, I know she doesn’t like them either, no matter what she pretends to, so if she wants to have a weekend with people that I know she can’t stand, that’s her problem.

What sucks is that in the end, even though I knew she wasn’t the best person, she was someone that I considered to be a good friend. Someone that I though would be there for me. Instead, she went and stabbed me in the back.

Now, I’m not mad because she’s talking to Anthony. By all means, if you want to be friends with him, be friends with him. I don’t care. What bothers me is the reason that she did it. I know she doesn’t like him. At all. In fact, she pretty much hates him. Kinda like I know she doesn’t like Tamara at all. Or Matt. Or Sal. She talks to much shit about them, just never to their face. But anyways, she went and invited him because she figured it was the one thing she could do to hurt me. And she invited the rest because that’s all she has.

And yeah, she hurt me. Not because she invited Anthony, but really because she was willing to stoop so low to hurt me. She was willing to become friends with someone she doesn’t like, and someone she promised to never become friends with just to hurt me. And yeah, it sucks that she’s not my friend anymore. But you know, if that’s how she’s gonna be, then I don’t want her or need her in my life. And so I’ve deleted her from both facebook and msn. It may be childish, but it was the only way I could think of to not have to see her pictures and her posts. It saved me a lot of pain. So that’s that. She’s gone from my life.

And then the third problem: boys. I feel like I’m never gonna meet anyone. At least, no one that will last. Even though sometimes I meet guys that I like, or that I have a good time with, or that I definitely like kissing, I still feel like I’m gonna be alone forever. I don’t care what people say about someone being out there for me, it feels like I’ll never find them.

Like last weekend. I met a guy while camping. And we were having a good time making out, and I quite liked kissing him. Something about him was just so good. He was just the right amount of forceful. Like a magnetic pull. And yeah, it sounds dumb, ‘cause I don’t know him or anything, but it was. And I liked being with him. But for some reason, I ran away from him. What the hell was I thinking, doing that?? Really, I don’t know. And I won’t know, ’cause I can’t go back in time and ask myself.

And then today Jack made a comment. We were talking about going to the bar/club in Lindsay, and he said, “As long as fat girls don’t hit on me.” And you know, it bothered me. Why?? Because I’m big. So how do I know all the guys out there aren’t saying the exact same thing?? And then I start thinking about how maybe that’s why I can‘t find a guy. I know not all guys think that way, but maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I should just lock myself up in my room until I’m thin.
Maybe that’ll work, since nothing else seems to.

On the plus side, I’m quite looking forward to going to school in September. I figure it’ll be good for me. Maybe I’ll meet new people, make new friends. Plus, it’ll give me something to do with my time besides think. I’m tired of thinking. It gets me nowhere except to make me depressed.

Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to. Someone who I could tell my problems and my retarded life to, and they’d tell me what’s wrong and how to fix it. But sadly, no one can really do that. Everyone I know is tired of listening to me, and a psychiatrist would really just be a waste of money. They don’t fix anything either.

And I’m horrible. I keep meaning to call Nida, and Ann, and a few other people, but I don’t. I want to, I’d like to see them, to talk to them, to have new people to hang out with. I miss them a lot. But in the end, I never call them. I think it’s because I don’t want to bring them into this fucked up mess I call my life.

All I feel is down lately. Like I can’t be happy again. Which is weird, ‘cause camping on the civic weekend was one of the best. And I had a good time. But once I’m home, all I want to do is shoot myself. And the worst part is that I feel like I’m falling into the same pit that I dragged myself out of last time, and I can’t stop it. I don’t want to be there, I don’t want to be on medication. But I can’t feel happy either, so I’m at a loss. I just can’t think of what to do. I want to cry all the time, and I really don’t have a reason for it. I want to stop feeling this way, but I don’t know how.

I guess in the end, I should take it as a good sign that I want to feel better, that I want to be happy. The only way this would be worse is if I started thinking that it’ll never get better and this is the best my life is gonna get. I mean, I could think that. But that would lead to thoughts of wanting to jump in front of subway cars and all, and I don’t want that. Because I know from experience. It’ll get better. It always gets better, you just have to hang in there, and eventually, it’ll be okay. I just wish it would hurry up. I don’t know how much more shit I can deal with before I jump from the roof.

I always hated when people said, “time heals everything,” or, “give it time, you’ll feel better,” or shit like that. Because sure, it’s true, but that doesn’t make it better. Not to mention that no one ever tells you how much time. How long you’ll need to move on, how long until life is better. Time moves slowly when you’re waiting for it.

But I really should stop writing now. I mean, did this make me feel better?? I don’t really know. Prolly not. Maybe I should just go have a drink and read my book. Yeah, I think I’ll do that.