A few questions that I need to know
How you could ever hurt me so
I need to know what I've done wrong
And how long it's been going on
Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane
But I'll know never to make the same mistake again
You can tell me to my face
Or even on the phone
You can write it in a letter,
Either way, I have to know
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way, I'm going out of my mind
All the answers to my questions
I have to find
----------------------
Yeah, I know. The journal title and the song part I picked contradict each other. And it doesn't make sense to feel both at once.....Welcome to my world. It sucks feeling both.
So I don't know what I want to do with my life. I do want to finish school and all that, but I have no idea what I want to do. I'm thinking marketing now. It's kinda like advertising, in a weird way, but it doesn't involve the kind of creative thinking process that advertising does. I found a part time certificate for it at U of T, so I'm thinking of doing that. Only problem is that I want to go to school with lots of new ppl, and maybe go live somewhere else, meet new ppl. Maybe I'm just a little jealous. Both Kasia and Jack got to meet new people this year in school. I mean, I met tons of people in Montreal, but I think I want to meet people I can hang out with often. I don't really see any of the Montreal girls here, and the ones I really liked hanging out with live way too far away.
But I can't do it all. The car, the travel, full-time school. Which is why I'm willing to do part-time school, so I can still have the car and do the travelling. Hopefully it works out for me. I don't know, maybe I'll get the certificate, and then do the option to switch it to a degree and keep going from there. We'll have to see how that goes.
And yeah, I've been looking into Mardi Gras. It's gonna cost about $1200. About $550 for the flight, $300 for the room, and the rest for food and drinking. And that's if the room is split by 4 ppl. It seems like more than most people will want to spend. But I mean, we did almost the same for Vegas, and that was only 3 days. And this hotel would put us on Bourbon St fot the Mardi Gras parade. Right in the middle of the party. I don't know, I'll have to look more into it, see if people are interested. Hopefully it's doable, I'd really like to. I've always wanted to go. I mean, if I don't get to this year, maybe I'll start planning for next year.
And so Drew and Becky had their baby. A girl. I don't know more than that. Don't know the weight, the time, the name....nothing!! I hope everything went well and that both Becky and the baby are doing great.
I am jealous, though. I want one. I just didn't realize how much I wanted one until someone else has one. So sad, it's years away for me. I feel like I'm still a kid, and then I realize I'm 23 and an adult. So why the hell aren't I living the life of an adult?? Maybe I am, and I just don't see it.
I don't know. Lately I've been really down and thinking too much crap. Like about babies. And Anthony. Stupid fucker. I can't get him out of my head. Nicole says it's normal, but then why do I feel like I've gone backwards in time to when we first broke up?? I need to stop this. Nicole also said it's because I need a boy to help me move on, and I think that's true. Is that pathetic?? Because it seems, to me, like it should be. It's horrible. Why do I need a boy?? But I know she's right, and I miss having a boy. See, I think it's only this hard because he has someone else. Seriously. Because I don't feel he ever felt bad or missed me. So it's hard. Maybe if I had a new boy, it'd be like the movies. Where he sees me happy with someone else, and then he wants me back, but I'm happy with the new boy, and then I get to tell him to get lost and he gets to be hurt and heartbroken. Yeah, I like that scenario. Now if only I could make it happen....
But yeah, so where am I supposed to meet someone?? I have no idea.
Anyways, bedtime for me.
Nighty night
Susana
Thursday, 29 November 2007
Monday, 26 November 2007
Everybody, put up your hands, say, "I don't want to be in love! I don't want to be in love!"
It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it.
Well can you feel it?
----
So yeah, so far, everyone's coming to the Christmas dinner. Me, Kasia, Tom, Krystal, Jarx, Ela, Jack, Sal, Tamara, Drew, Becky, Gavin, Robin, and Rose. Only Matt is a maybe. And he's the only one who hasn't answered me about Secret Santa. So I figure I'll draw names tomorrow and just leave him out. If he decides to come, he'll still be welcome, but he won't have a present. Oh, well. Too bad, so sad.
Anyways.....so Robin said that she talked to Gavin's parents and she said that there is a chance that something could be happening there for New Years. That makes me happy. I mean, if Rose and Ela still want to go to the club, we could always go, stay until about 1 am, and then head to Gavin's. I'll figure something out. But I like the house party idea. Really, I'm not too big on the club for new years idea.
So I've been reading non-stop lately, and watching my DVDs. Mainly ones my mom and Gaby will agree to. But I think this weekend I will watch some Rome. I know Jack wants it back (and no, you can't have them yet), so I really should get a move on those. Maybe I should just buy them, that way I can take my time. Haha, it would give me something new to eBay. I love eBay.
But yeah, so the reading and the Criminal Minds/Heroes helps. Especially reading. I'm in another world when I read. I can't hear things around me, I can't see people around me. Honestly, you could come in the room and take stuff, then walk back out, and I wouldn't notice. I'm awesome when I read. See, I don't see the words. It's like watching a movie. If it's a good book, I don't see any of the words on the page, I just see the story playing out in my head. I love it. Watching the tv shows are a little more mindless, just staring at the screen, but it's distracting nonetheless.
But yeah, anyways. Work is crazy. Stupid salesmen keep bringing in the contracts at the last minute, so I'm always running around looking for files. It's getting kinda annoying. I keep getting shit from Nick for it, but really, there's nothing I can do about it. If they would enforce their own rules, it would work much better.
Anyways, I'm going to bed now. Maybe I'll ramble on some more tomorrow. And don't worry, it'll also start with part of a song, and the title will be a line from a different song. Why?? Because it makes me feel better to write out a song that kinda shows how I feel. And the title is really because I'm just not creative at all, and it's easier to describe msyelf with something from music. It sucks that I wasn't born with more musical talent.
Haha, bet you can't guess the songs!!
Anyways, nighty night.
Susana
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it.
Well can you feel it?
----
So yeah, so far, everyone's coming to the Christmas dinner. Me, Kasia, Tom, Krystal, Jarx, Ela, Jack, Sal, Tamara, Drew, Becky, Gavin, Robin, and Rose. Only Matt is a maybe. And he's the only one who hasn't answered me about Secret Santa. So I figure I'll draw names tomorrow and just leave him out. If he decides to come, he'll still be welcome, but he won't have a present. Oh, well. Too bad, so sad.
Anyways.....so Robin said that she talked to Gavin's parents and she said that there is a chance that something could be happening there for New Years. That makes me happy. I mean, if Rose and Ela still want to go to the club, we could always go, stay until about 1 am, and then head to Gavin's. I'll figure something out. But I like the house party idea. Really, I'm not too big on the club for new years idea.
So I've been reading non-stop lately, and watching my DVDs. Mainly ones my mom and Gaby will agree to. But I think this weekend I will watch some Rome. I know Jack wants it back (and no, you can't have them yet), so I really should get a move on those. Maybe I should just buy them, that way I can take my time. Haha, it would give me something new to eBay. I love eBay.
But yeah, so the reading and the Criminal Minds/Heroes helps. Especially reading. I'm in another world when I read. I can't hear things around me, I can't see people around me. Honestly, you could come in the room and take stuff, then walk back out, and I wouldn't notice. I'm awesome when I read. See, I don't see the words. It's like watching a movie. If it's a good book, I don't see any of the words on the page, I just see the story playing out in my head. I love it. Watching the tv shows are a little more mindless, just staring at the screen, but it's distracting nonetheless.
But yeah, anyways. Work is crazy. Stupid salesmen keep bringing in the contracts at the last minute, so I'm always running around looking for files. It's getting kinda annoying. I keep getting shit from Nick for it, but really, there's nothing I can do about it. If they would enforce their own rules, it would work much better.
Anyways, I'm going to bed now. Maybe I'll ramble on some more tomorrow. And don't worry, it'll also start with part of a song, and the title will be a line from a different song. Why?? Because it makes me feel better to write out a song that kinda shows how I feel. And the title is really because I'm just not creative at all, and it's easier to describe msyelf with something from music. It sucks that I wasn't born with more musical talent.
Haha, bet you can't guess the songs!!
Anyways, nighty night.
Susana
Sunday, 18 November 2007
Things are good, except for that stupid boy problem I still have...
"I Still" by BSB
Who are you now?
Are you still the same or did you change somehow?
What do you do at this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?
No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go
I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
Now look at me
Instead of moving on I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
Yeah, I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last
I try to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know
That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
I wish I could find you
Just like you found me
Then I would never let you go
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
-------
So I still think about him way, way too much. He doesn't think about me, so isn't it about time I stopped?? But how do I stop??
AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!!!
God, I miss having someone to hold me. And to talk to. And to kiss. And to make everything better..... It's okay. One day he'll be out of my head. And when I can stop wondering what went wrong and wondering why he's with someone and I'm not, then, and only then, can I try to be friends with him. But until that day, I fucking hate him. And if I don't have to see him, I won't. And if I don't have to invite him, I won't. But one day, it'll change. I know it.
-------
So yeah, on a happy note, I got tickets to see Three Days Grace. Yay!!! That makes me uber happy. Hopefully, it won't be as violent as the one in Ohio.
Also, I'm booking my G2 test soon. I'm aiming for the next two weeks. And I'm aiming to have the car by Christmas.
And I got a new phone!!! Man, it's freaking awesome!! It's the LG Shine. So pretty. It's one of those that slides up to use, instead of flipping open. And it has Rogers on Demand, and music videos, and MSN, and it's an MP3 player.....it's awesome. I love it. And the plan I got is fantastic too. I can basically use it all I want without worrying about going over my minutes. I love it!! Now all I have to worry about is this internet usage. I seem to be on it a lot....
And yeah, so Jarx said he's in for New York. You know what that means?? I won't be going by myself!! All I needed was one person to come with me. I'm so looking forward to it. Statue of Liberty, Empire State building....it'll kick ass!! I'm glad he's my travel buddy. I just hope Krystal doesn't think anything of it. I mean, lots of people told me I shouldn't go with someone else's bf, and I think a few ppl told her that she shouldn't have been okay with it. But me and Jarx would never happen, we'd end up killing each other. Not to mention he has cooties. Anyways, it'll kick ass, and we'll have a great time!!
And I've made the Christmas dinner event on facebook. And so far, most ppl are coming. I don't know if Robin and Gavin are coming, but I hope they do. I didn't invite Anthony, but you know, no one's really said anything about him not being there, so I won't worry about it. Plus, really, me and Kasia have been doing this dinner for longer than we've known them, and neither of us like him, so too bad.
And to make things better, Kasia might be moving her bday party to the 8th, which means I'll be able to go to both her party and the work Christmas party with no problems!! That makes me super happy, 'cause I don't have to miss either one.
Anyways, done rambling now. Bedtime.
Nighty night.
Susana
Who are you now?
Are you still the same or did you change somehow?
What do you do at this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?
No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go
I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
Now look at me
Instead of moving on I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
Yeah, I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last
I try to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know
That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
I wish I could find you
Just like you found me
Then I would never let you go
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
-------
So I still think about him way, way too much. He doesn't think about me, so isn't it about time I stopped?? But how do I stop??
AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!!!
God, I miss having someone to hold me. And to talk to. And to kiss. And to make everything better..... It's okay. One day he'll be out of my head. And when I can stop wondering what went wrong and wondering why he's with someone and I'm not, then, and only then, can I try to be friends with him. But until that day, I fucking hate him. And if I don't have to see him, I won't. And if I don't have to invite him, I won't. But one day, it'll change. I know it.
-------
So yeah, on a happy note, I got tickets to see Three Days Grace. Yay!!! That makes me uber happy. Hopefully, it won't be as violent as the one in Ohio.
Also, I'm booking my G2 test soon. I'm aiming for the next two weeks. And I'm aiming to have the car by Christmas.
And I got a new phone!!! Man, it's freaking awesome!! It's the LG Shine. So pretty. It's one of those that slides up to use, instead of flipping open. And it has Rogers on Demand, and music videos, and MSN, and it's an MP3 player.....it's awesome. I love it. And the plan I got is fantastic too. I can basically use it all I want without worrying about going over my minutes. I love it!! Now all I have to worry about is this internet usage. I seem to be on it a lot....
And yeah, so Jarx said he's in for New York. You know what that means?? I won't be going by myself!! All I needed was one person to come with me. I'm so looking forward to it. Statue of Liberty, Empire State building....it'll kick ass!! I'm glad he's my travel buddy. I just hope Krystal doesn't think anything of it. I mean, lots of people told me I shouldn't go with someone else's bf, and I think a few ppl told her that she shouldn't have been okay with it. But me and Jarx would never happen, we'd end up killing each other. Not to mention he has cooties. Anyways, it'll kick ass, and we'll have a great time!!
And I've made the Christmas dinner event on facebook. And so far, most ppl are coming. I don't know if Robin and Gavin are coming, but I hope they do. I didn't invite Anthony, but you know, no one's really said anything about him not being there, so I won't worry about it. Plus, really, me and Kasia have been doing this dinner for longer than we've known them, and neither of us like him, so too bad.
And to make things better, Kasia might be moving her bday party to the 8th, which means I'll be able to go to both her party and the work Christmas party with no problems!! That makes me super happy, 'cause I don't have to miss either one.
Anyways, done rambling now. Bedtime.
Nighty night.
Susana
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